It's no secret that we find ourselves firmly in the era of the morally questionable reality romance show. Love Island, Love is Blind, Married at First Sight, Temptation Island, Too Hot to Handle — they all tend to follow a similar pattern. A group of participants arrive on a picturesque island where they submit themselves to a team of experts who promise to take them through a series of ethically dubious tasks all in the name of sexual and romantic growth.
I don't know what I expected from a show called Virgin Island, but it was something like what I just described — group of 12 virgins are poked and prodded and put through their paces by sexual therapists on TV as the nation gasps and cringes along from the comfort of their couches.
I should have given the show more credit. Perhaps a little surprisingly, the show takes a more sensitive route. Sure, there are plenty of ‘out there’ sexual workshops and a few moments that feel a little too awkward and intimate for mass viewing — in one, two therapists demonstrate the “up against the wall” routine, while, in another, pairs team up to rub against each other as wild animals. But at its core, Virgin Island seems to be sincerely interested in helping its participants learn how to work through their individual insecurities and fears and to approach intimacy in a truly healthy and safe manner.
Perhaps the UK does need some reality fare that takes our intimacy hang-ups seriously and sincerely. After all, studies show that Gen Z is in a quote-unquote sex recession, while people are being exposed to porn at a younger and younger age. Meanwhile, the body positivity movement seems to be quickly going down the drain. These are not exactly the best conditions for healthy relationships with intimacy — it's hardly surprising that more and more people feel uncomfortable with sex.
Emma is one of the show's brave participants. A fast food worker and 24-year-old virgin, Emma opens up about her own body image issues and insecurities on the show — and it's heartbreaking. She was cast by her friends as the “ugly one.” She had never been able to imagine anyone desiring her. She had never attempted masturbation or experienced an orgasm.
Her story serves as a sobering reminder that our culture often fails to empower young women in their sexuality — in fact, more often than not, it's the reverse. And as awkward and intimate as watching sex therapy on out screens may be, seeing Emma begin to open up and accept her own worth as a sexual young woman is powerful.
We spoke to Emma about her experiences with sex before the show and her journey on Virgin Island.
Before you went on Virgin Island, what did the word “virgin” mean to you?
It was something which I felt singled out by at first. And then I think you just become used to the word. It becomes numb. It kind of loses its value. And the word “virgin” becomes a label for you as a person. But I wanted to steer away from that, because I knew there was more for me than just being a virgin.
“Too sexually active, not sexually active enough; prudish or gold-digging; virgin or whore…”
On the show, you open up about your insecurities within the context of sex. Where did that come from?
There was a lot. I think when I was growing up – around 12 or 13 – the social media world was just coming into play. You would see the Kardashians or people like that getting filler or BBLs. And then I kind of started to think, "Oh, my God, is this the only way that I'm going to be able to become beautiful?" I would think, "Oh, these people on Instagram – they're not single, they don't struggle with intimacy, they don't have insecurities because they are idolised by men. They don't have any issues or worries about getting a man because they are so beautiful, and for them, it's easy."
And then a lot of my friends were showing me porn quite young. That was also quite terrifying, because it's like, "Wait, this is a high amount of intimate exposure that I received very young. So, obviously that initiated the uncomfortable feelings around intimacy because it was something that I thought, "I know that we shouldn't be doing this or talking about this, but it's happening." I think a lot of it just comes from being insecure – being uncomfortable about the idea of intimacy, and not wanting to explore that for myself. It just seemed like this big, horrible volcano that I didn't want to explode. It was something that I just didn't want to go near, I didn't want to touch.
But now, since the show, I've realised it's just intimacy.
Why did the show appeal to you? Were you at all concerned about the ethics of a reality show about sex therapy?
No, I wasn't worried about the way that Channel 4 would present the show. Obviously, people always complain about something, so I think there was always the worry in the back of my mind about how the audience was going to perceive it. But overall, I actually love this concept. I think it's really good that Channel 4 is taking the leap and breaking the stigma and doing something which other people don't want to do.
The workshops seemed very confronting and challenging – they took a lot of bravery. Could you talk about that experience?
Some of the workshops I probably didn't want to do completely. But I just had to remind myself: if I don't step out of my comfort zone, I'm never going to learn. And I went there because I wanted to learn and I wanted to explore. I didn't want to be the same old version of myself. I was going to put myself forward. It was very nerve-wracking submitting myself to do the workshops. But also it was rewarding afterwards, because it's like, "Oh, you know, I actually did that. And two weeks ago, I wouldn't have done that. Back in the UK, I wouldn't have done that." Some of the workshops I did avoid because I couldn't see myself doing that on the outside. Like the animal game. I couldn't see myself inviting a man to the bedroom and performing that so I didn't really want to get involved in it.
Was it helpful for you to be in a group of people who had had similar experiences and insecurities around intimacy?
I'm actually not used to speaking to anyone who is also a virgin, so being in that environment with everyone else was very heartwarming. You don't even know these people, but we know that we will have something in common. It was like this pre-formed bond which we could connect over. It's really lovely, because we all come from different, diverse backgrounds, and together I think we create a really good dynamic. I just love the group.
What has changed for you since your time on the show?
My view on intimacy, for one. I always thought that if I was to be intimate with someone, if I was to have a connection with them, it meant that I had to have commitment. But now I think I can enjoy intimacy and explore connections knowing that I don't have to stay with them for five years, I don't have to marry them, it can just be fun.
I've also learned that it's not helpful to constantly people-please. I was always making sure that other people were okay, to the point where I would really damage and hurt myself. Now I realise that's not a way of life. You shouldn't see someone else as being more important than yourself, and that's what I did for a while. I think I probably did have a lack of self-respect before the island. I didn't understand my value or appreciate my worth. If I was presented with intimacy before but I felt uncomfortable, I might have just gone along with it anyway. But now I actually know that's not right. I've learned to understand my worth more and not take shit from people.
Do you think society needs to reframe its ideas about virginity?
100%. For instance, there are plenty of people who haven't even watched the show, and they've already formed an opinion about it because of the stigma. But I do hope that this format inspires people and shows people that being a virgin is actually not really a big deal.
I also hope it helps people understand that a virgin does not have a stereotypical look. I do hope we can steer away from the idea that being a virgin is something to be ashamed of or something you should be embarrassed about, because I don't think it's that case at all. If you want to protect your vulnerability and save it for someone who deserves it, I don't think that should be something that people think is negative.
What do you hope young women who have had a similar experience take away from the show?
I want younger women to feel empowered and that they are not alone. In the third episode of the show I talk about how I was inappropriately touched by another child when I was younger. This is something that made me feel guilty for four years because I thought it was very rare. I thought I was the only one going through that. But since I've [opened up about that] on television, I have had a few DMs of people saying, "You know what, I've experienced this too, and no one talks about it." I just want young women to feel inspired, empowered, and that they're not alone in the journey that we're all on.
Looking to get off to something that empowers, pays fairly and is respectful? We've got you.
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