Sexual shaming, also known as slut shaming, is pervasive in society and can have a profound effect on the victim's mental health. It is largely used to target girls and women as a tool of oppression and degradation. Every woman we know has been sexually shamed, because no matter what we do or how we act, we are wrong — too sexually active, not sexually active enough; prudish or gold-digging; virgin or whore.
We spoke to a few experts to find out why sexual shaming is still so pervasive in our culture, why it's so harmful, and what can be done to end it once and for all.
“I know my community, and I’m a representation of that, whether I like it or not.”
What is sexual shaming?
Speaking with GLAMOUR, Dr Rebekah Shallcross from The Feminist Therapy Centre says, “Sexual shaming is defined as 'the stigmatisation of an individual based on his or her appearance, sexual availability, and actual or perceived sexual behaviour and is primarily aimed at women and girls', explaining that “in a patriarchal society it is used with the aim of controlling women and girls to follow cultural norms of purity and virginity which are upheld as pillars of feminity. It means that women are not free to be their full selves, including their sexual selves.
"It places women in the impossible position – ‘I am sexual, but I must not be too sexual’– it places men in positions of power – free to be their sexual selves and free to control women through arbitrary standards upheld by humiliation and ostracisation.”
Dr Shallcross says this impossible performance keeps women distracted (concerned with what others think) and fearful. “So women may begin to internalise these standards as it often feels –and indeed may be – safer than embracing their full sexuality.”
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You've probably heard of the Madonna Whore Complex, but you may not have applied it to your own life and experiences. It is, however, very real. Rooted in misogynic beliefs, the Madonna Whore Complex is damaging on an individual and societal level. Sigmund Freud first coined the term, and even his understanding of it was seeped in misogyny. The basic principle still stands, though: Madonna-whore dichotomy means that women have to be either pure and ‘virginal’ or sexual and therefore whore-ish. Neither is acceptable, and you cannot be both.
Charlotte Fox Weber, author and psychotherapist, tells GLAMOUR: “Sexual shaming is the denigration of people, often females, for violating the social norms of what is supposedly appropriate behaviour. It happens because of the mixed messages we have in most cultures about desire. We’re conditioned to hide our true wants and pretend to want things we may not actually desire. When it comes to sex and sexuality, there’s unbelievable pressure to conform to what’s supposedly acceptable. Women of all ages can be denigrated for revealing sexual desire, and age is weaponised in particular.”
From how to do it to knowing when you're doing it too much.
How does sexual shaming manifest in society?
Sexual shaming happens to most women, at any age; there really is not justification or escaping it – as an attempt to be the exception, women themselves will often sexually shame other women. This, however, does not grant them the freedom they're after and only serves the patriarchy, in the long run.
Fox Weber says: “A young woman can be labelled as inappropriate for showing too much of herself — for being too desirable — and older women can be shamed for having sexual wants, the whole ‘mutton dressed as lamb’ concept. And yet it’s nearly impossible to get it right, to be respectable and still sexually honest, in a sense. When women don’t desire their partners sexually, there can be so much shame, and guilt. There’s pressure to be satisfied and satisfying, and admitting disappointment about sex, even to oneself, can be daunting.”
It's not getting better, either: “Slut shaming is still hugely prevalent. Sadly, the whole mother, Madonna whore complex is still rampant in our attitudes. When a woman becomes a mother, she’s not supposed to prioritise sexual pleasure, or even have a sexual identity in a certain way. Not if she wants to be a ‘good’ mother. And going the other way, when someone is maternal and nurturing and domestic, she may be loveable but less desirable, less exciting, to the person in a relationship with her. Women with young children still get in a lot of trouble if they dare step out of their role of what they’re supposed to be. And overly sacrificial mothers lose a sense of sexual visibility.”
“I help to give women permission to explore and seek the pleasure they want.”
Shallcross echoes this, telling me: “It can manifest as shaming women for the number of sexual partners she has, using the word ‘slut’ in order to shame and holding stigmatising views of sex workers. It can also manifest as ‘what were you wearing?’ type questions in response to sexual assault. As such, it places blame on women and girls who are victims of sexual violence instead of laying blame at the door of male perpetrators.”
The dangers of sexual shaming
We spoke to Katie Salmon, the ex-Love Island contestant who later became a top 1% creator on Only Fans and now works with Red Umbrella, a charity supporting sex workers, about what she's learned about the dangers of sexual shaming throughout her career. “The threat of sexual shaming can force girls and women to live in fear of bullying, rejection and low self-esteem,” she says. “It encourages a culture of misogyny, which can increase instances of violence and crimes to against women and girls.”
As an OnlyFans creator, Salmon encountered abusive sexual shaming constantly. “A lot of men can get nasty when you don’t give them what they want or for the price they want,” she says. “This perceived shame around sex can also deter people in sex work or experiencing sexual exploitation from reaching out for help and reporting instances of violence and crimes against them through fear of being humiliated or ‘outed.’”
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How can we combat sexual shaming?
According to Salmon, there is hope — and we can all play a part in stopping sexual shaming in its tracks.
“Sex is a natural part of life but by breaking down the stigmatisation around sex and sexuality, is to feel empowered and confident to talk about sex — everyone has a right to feel safe and comfortable. Educating yourself on what’s ‘normal’ and what can be seen as a ‘red flag’ can equip you with the tools to ask for support, help or advice and assert your boundaries,” she says.
Judgement is often the first step in shaming. “When someone confides in you or opens up about their personal experiences with you, listen without judgment,” Salmon suggests. “Just as you would want to feel validated and supported, as does that person.”
We should also all do our own internal work to ensure that we aren't shaming ourselves about our sex lives. “Nothing heals without you examining the shame and guilt and with that practising self-compassion — it’s trusting that we are worthy, replacing that shame with love and acceptance,” she says.
Another useful practice is simply keeping a journal.
“I know from my mental health struggles and looking at ways to help, journalling was one to combat anxiety and guilt,” says Salmon. “To take the intrusive thoughts flooding our mind and make sense of the possible trauma that has happened to understand your thoughts more clearly.”
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