It was a Saturday night, and there I was outside a random building in Hackney, second-guessing the choice to wear underwear under my lacy bodysuit. Practical? Not really, but the crotchless slit left me feeling intimidated. My lilac bag, usually home to my laptop, now bulged with a strap-on, condoms, lube, water, and non-alcoholic drinks. Reddit had helped only slightly; yes, I’d overpacked.
I approached the door, wondering how to announce myself. “I’m here for the sex party?” sounded awkward. Before I could decide, they asked for my name. Panic hit when they frowned at their list — was my first sober sex party about to be a no-go?
“I should be on there. Lola invited me,” I said, naming the founder of Lucid Sober Events. That did it, they’d heard of me, the journalist who’d written about sex toys enough to earn an invite from JOYclub themselves.
A quick warning followed: one of the two performances involved self-stapling (using a stapler to attach items to the body), in case that was an issue. Then I was in. Big breath, a tug on my fishnets, and just like that, I stepped into my first sex party… completely sober.
Because your clit deserves Cruise Control.
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Sober sex parties — why?
I’d always been curious about sex parties, but going alone felt intimidating — and I’ve also been sober for two and a half years. So when the invite arrived, it felt like fate.
I spoke to Lola about why she started Lucid, a series of completely sober kinky events — no alcohol before or during.
“I started Lucid for a variety of reasons, but the most important for me was that, as much as I love the kink scene, there was no space catered to sober people,” she explained. “I wanted to create a space where consent and connection are the priority, where people don’t have to worry about getting triggered by drunk or high attendees, and where kink and sex can be explored without substances.”
Chatting with fellow attendees, I learned many were sober, sober-curious, or simply wanted to play without waking up to a hangover. Some go to sober raves, others attend non-sober sex parties, but they all prefer Lucid because it feels more authentic.
“I really love the atmosphere of a sober party,” Lola continued. “Everyone is friendly, you’re engaging in kink or play with intention, there’s no hangover or anxiety about what you did the night before, and it just feels safer.”
I haven’t been to a substance-fuelled sex party, but I do worry about consent in those settings. Alcohol or drugs can blur boundaries, and without everyone being fully present and clear, things can get complicated fast. That’s part of what makes sober spaces like Lucid so appealing — they create an environment where consent is clear, intentional, and respected.
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How does it…work?
Before the event even kicked off, a group chat had been created where attendees could introduce themselves. Some had already met at social events designed for this purpose, but for the first few hours, the chat was surprisingly mundane. People debated the ingredients of hummus due to a potential sesame allergy. Eventually, the NSFW media and introductions rolled in. Privacy is paramount, but let’s just say my Google search history got very colourful, very quickly, as I learned a lot of new terms and kinks.
That hummus debate made sense once I arrived, as the party had a kitchen area. I mean, if you’re going to be getting it on with strangers for hours, snacks are essential. For the first hour, everyone hung out there to socialise; no play yet. I wandered over to a group of strangers and was immediately welcomed. They quickly realised I was a novice in the world of sex parties and answered all my questions, and throughout the night, a few kept an eye on me to make sure I was feeling okay.
One guy in particular caught my eye. I’d seen his introduction and photo in the group chat beforehand, but I’d been too nervous to post my own introduction. In person, he was dressed in skimpy leather and a grin.
He stayed close to me all night, and at one point, I overheard him say my name to another woman. Later, he told me she had invited him to go fool around, but he’d said he wanted to explore things with me instead.
He asked to dance with me, to touch me, to kiss me — and later, he asked for more. He told me he enjoyed dominating his partners, and I admitted I’d love for him to take control of me.
Now, for what you really want to know: the play. Yes, they call it ‘play,’ and I’m obsessed with that term. Better than a “fuck room,” right? The playroom was tucked behind a large curtain, with peeping Toms actively discouraged. You enter with the person or people you came with — no random hands on your arse.
At one point, I went to enter the playroom with my new friend, only to be told to wait because no spots were free. We made out against the wall until a staff member pointed us to our designated spot. There’s always someone working the room to make sure everyone feels safe, happy, and hygienic.
Speaking of hygienic, after our time together, we were handed a spray bottle and a roll of kitchen roll, like wiping down a pilates mat after class. Friends wrinkle their noses when I mention this, but honestly, I was relieved, as it meant everything was cleaned before my body touched it.
The party ran from 4pm to 10pm, and I was tucked into bed at a reasonable hour, my mind buzzing with everything I had seen, heard, and tasted.
Can anyone go to a sex party?
Lola personally vets everyone who wants to attend the party, asking questions to understand their intentions. The goal is to avoid anyone coming just to watch or make others uncomfortable. Depending on the event, this vetting can be conducted via video call or a detailed questionnaire.
Her questions covered why you wanted to attend the event, how you understand consent, your interests, and your past experiences. She was intent on finding people who respected both the boundaries and the unspoken etiquette of play parties. She admitted she was especially keen to avoid a common fixture at some events: the lone man who simply stands on the sidelines, pleasuring himself while others participate.
You can attend solo — though it’s harder for single men — or as a couple. Couples can also choose to simply enjoy being watched without engaging with others, embracing the voyeuristic side of the night.
I was offered a plus-one but turned it down. I felt it would be easier to be myself and fully embrace the hedonistic evening without the weight of how people already know me. Besides, none of my friends would have agreed to attend a sex party sober.
Consent is everything. Every touch is preceded by a clear ask, and before you roll your eyes, trust me — it’s sexy. If people aren’t asking for consent, that’s a red flag that this party isn't a safe space.
Tips for attending a sex party
“Top tip is to go with zero expectations to play,” Lola says. “It’s important you feel comfortable in the environment — which can be overstimulating — before adding the play aspect on top. I also recommend going to a social or meetup beforehand to connect with like-minded individuals.”
I didn’t attend anything beforehand, but I was lucky to meet some lovely people and ended up spending most of the night with one of them. We even met up again in the weeks after.
There’s genuinely no pressure to play. Many attendees were there just to dance and chat. Even simply being in the environment felt electrifying and freeing, and it was wonderful to meet new people, which isn’t always easy in London. There's also fun performances and a DJ.
Standing there in a lace bodysuit, me — the one who hates short skirts and apologises for her stomach — I felt sexy. I felt comfortable. I wasn’t hiding myself. As for what to wear? Lingerie and leather dominated, with nipple covers, harnesses, and bold confidence everywhere. People really aren’t picky; just show skin and feel good.
One of the best choices I made was bringing a small leather waist bag stocked with travel-sized lube, a few condoms, and my phone. No photos are allowed, of course, but it gave me a sense of safety — and there’s never an excuse to skip protection.
Stay hydrated throughout the night, but that doesn’t mean alcohol. Water or something with sugar works perfectly.
Did I mind being sober? Not at all. I believe if you can’t do it sober, you probably shouldn’t do it drunk. I enjoy sex and feel empowered by it, so being sober only amplified that. Plus, let’s be honest: sex works better without substances.
I felt free. I felt respected by the person I had just met. I felt like a version of myself I was only just discovering — open to new experiences, catching someone’s eye mid-act, and grinning at them.
Keep up with Lucid events on Instagram: @lucid_sober_events
JOYclub is Europe's largest sex-positive community platform and recently celebrated its 20th anniversary. The platform empowers people to connect through shared interests, live events, intimate discussions, creative content and verified connections.
