Gaslighting has been a buzzy relationship term for years now. It appears in numerous fictional and reality TV shows, from Bling Empire to Love Island. It's a word you might have heard in therapy or even just chatting with your friends over brunch. These days, it's one of those terms that just about everyone has heard, but not everyone fully understands.
In 2015, gaslighting was recognised as a criminal offence as part of legislation targeting controlling or coercive behaviour. But is it really a word we should be tossing around? Maybe it's worth getting back to basics and simply asking the question: what exactly is gaslighting?
Couples and relationship expert Dr Kalanit Ben-Ari and psychologist Mairead Molloy gave GLAMOUR the full lowdown on gaslighting.
Scope is calling on the government to listen to disabled people and fix the broken benefits system.
What is gaslighting?
“Gaslighting is a specific form of repeated, psychologically manipulative behaviours in which the recipient starts to question their own reality, feelings, memory, perceptions, and at worst, their sanity,” Ben-Ari explains.
“The manipulator uses misleading behaviours such as labelling the recipient as ‘overreacting’ or ‘too sensitive’ and questioning the recipient's memory. When confronted by the recipient about their behaviour, the gaslighter might pretend not to understand, forget, deny what happened, refuse to listen, lie, shift blame, avoid the recipient’s questions, and spread rumours, all with the purpose of creating a false narrative that dismantles the recipient's self-belief.
“This behaviour happens simultaneously as they express love for the recipient, and say how much they care for them.”
Molloy adds, “Their goal is to make the victim feel confused, question their reality, or even believe they are ‘losing it.’ The person doing the gaslighting might deny things they said or did, lie, or twist the facts, making the victim unsure of what is real and causing them to rely more on the manipulator’s version of events.”
The term “gaslighting” is thought to have originated from the storyline of a 1938 play called Gaslight, where a husband, guilty of murder, tries to hide this fact from his wife by slowly making her believe she is going insane.
Is it waving goodbye to boring people, or is it just someone's loveable quirk?
It's quite eerie to relate the rather scary, horror-like behaviour with the everyday actions of a manipulator, but it's undeniable. The protagonist hears strange noises in the attic – tell-tale signs of her husband’s duplicity – but it is made like these are signs of her losing her mind instead of a darker truth.
The reason for the name Gaslight is quite chilling – this manipulative husband incrementally lowers the gaslights in their home, trying to convince her that she is the only one who sees this.
What does gaslighting look like?
According to experts, it's all down to power dynamics. The perpetrator (or manipulator) will hold enough power that the victim will be too scared to step out of said dynamic for fear of losing the relationship.
It becomes more complicated because a gaslighting perpetrator is generally someone very emotionally close to a victim, so they very much want to trust them, even if they suspect that their manipulator is causing harm. So therefore it's more difficult to walk away from a gaslighting dynamic than those outside the situation may think – and a manipulator will use this situation to suit their agenda.
It's also likely that a victim will change their perception of the gaslighting dynamic in order to avoid conflict with their manipulator.
He's been removed from the reality TV show.
Is gaslighting a crime?
Yes. “Gaslighting is a criminal offence covered within coercive control law,” says Molloy.
Gaslighting became a crime in 2015 with Section 76 Serious Crime Act 2015, as part of a bill that criminalised controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate or family relationship. It has a maximum penalty of five years' imprisonment.
Find out more here.
Why is gaslighting so harmful from a psychological perspective?
Psychologically, gaslighting can be nothing short of traumatic.
“Gaslighting is harmful because it messes with a person’s sense of reality,” Molloy says. “It can make someone doubt their own thoughts, memories, and feelings, which leads to confusion, self-doubt, and a loss of confidence.”
It can have a serious impact on a person's mental health. Over time, this can damage a person’s mental health in the long-term. “The victim may start to feel isolated and powerless because they are not sure what to believe anymore,” she says.
How can gaslighting affect you long-term?
There's quite a range of long-term effects of gaslighting, due to the sophisticated nature that the manipulation takes. According to Medical News Today, gaslighting can make you privy to the following mental health conditions:
- anxiety
- depression
- isolation
- psychological trauma
If you think someone is gaslighting you, what behaviour and feelings should you look out for?
Dr Ben-Ari has a few situations for you to watch out for:
- If you start to doubt your own reality
- If you feel something is wrong but cannot put your finger on what it is
- If you find yourself repeatedly making excuses about your partner’s behaviour, and often apologising to your partner.
- If you are unclear about your thoughts and feelings, and you feel unsafe to express your thoughts and feelings around your partner, knowing they'll respond in anger.
- If you start to avoid conflict out of fear, and you feel confused about your relationship.
- If you start to identify yourself with blame, and you cannot express your thoughts and feelings freely, and you feel insecure and powerless.”
What are some common examples of gaslighting?
Molloy notes that the following are common techniques used by gaslighters:
- Denial of events. Someone insists, “That never happened,” even when it did, to make the other person doubt their memory.
- Twisting facts. A person says something like, “You’re overreacting,” or, “You’re being too sensitive,” when the other person expresses valid feelings.
- Lying or denying. Constantly lying about things, even when the other person knows the truth, to confuse them and make them question themselves.
- Changing history. Claiming something happened in a different way than it actually did, making the victim question their memory of events.
- Blaming. Telling the victim that they are the problem or that everything is their fault, even when it is not true.
Impact of gaslighting on a relationship
“For a relationship to be healthy, you need two people who are equal,” Ben-Ari says. “With gaslighting, there is an imbalance in control and power within the couple. When one starts to question their own reality and perspective, this is a huge red flag.”
Impact of gaslighting on an individual
"When someone starts to feel often confused about their reality, they are likely to experience a loss of self-esteem, and a growing dependency on the perpetrator. They will likely question their own judgment and their mental health might be damaged."
This form of emotional abuse can make you feel very isolated from others, due to the amount of doubt it sows in your own psyche and abilities.
The singer also got real about her passionate campaign to save the planet.
How can you seek help and advice if you think someone you love is gaslighting you?
“Gaslighting is a very complex issue, and therefore it takes time for people to understand what is happening to them,” Ben-Ari says. “It is important to seek professional advice from a qualified therapist or your GP.”
The first step is to listen to your gut. “Trust your own thoughts and feelings,” says Molloy. “It can help to keep a journal or notes about events so you have a clear record of what actually happened. It is important to talk to someone you trust, like a friend, family member, or therapist, to share what is going on. Setting boundaries with the person who is gaslighting you is helpful, and if possible, try to limit your interactions with them.”
Ben-Ari recommends the following steps to handle a situation if you think someone might be gaslighting you:
- You can start by having a safe conversation, at a calm time, with your partner about how you feel, and your experience. In case of a partner with a personality disorder, the gaslighting strategies will be clearly present in such a conversation.”
- Strengthen your support system, your relationship with friends and family. One of the most damaging and complicated elements of this kind of relationship, is the denial of one's reality, staying connected with your loved ones can help with this.
- Writing a journal about your experiences, feelings, and conversations. This might help you to distance yourself and reframe the situation. When you feel in your gut that something is wrong, but you cannot pinpoint the reason; if you start to doubt your reality, feel under threat, identify with being the ‘problem’, and feel insecure, it is a time to seek professional intervention to support you.
- If you are close to your friends and family, share your feelings with a trusted one. You will need all the support you can get to be able to change that dynamic, or end the relationship if nothing else helps. As gaslighting is usually done by someone you love, there's often huge fear about losing that person, or losing some other qualities of the relationship.
When it comes to recovery from gaslighting, the official advice from the National Domestic Violence Hotline reads as follows:
- Remember that as a victim, you are not responsible for the abusive behaviour
- Avoid arguing about what is true with the abusive person
- Practice listening to your thoughts, feelings and instincts – they are important.
We're living through a femicide – and no one wants to talk about it.
