Everything changed when I learned about the concept of love languages.
Arguing with my husband is one of my least favourite things to do. That might not sound like a surprise, but, with my slightly fiery temper, fights haven't always been so unappealing. In fact, in previous relationships I've quite welcomed the odd shouting match as a good way to let off some steam, air our differences and - inevitably - kiss and make up afterwards. But it's different now.
Not because I'm busier or weaker, or because I don't like what my partner has to say during the argument (although I generally don't love it), but because - even after a decade - we haven't quite mastered the art of cooling off.
Our fights, although rare, escalate to such a degree that I inevitably end up storming off to remove the chance of either of us causing more damage by saying something that we regret. Unfortunately we're then both too stubborn to be the first to re-enter one another's space. These cold shoulder moments have been known to last for several hours, and I don't doubt that they'd last days if my insistence that we don't go to bed on an argument weren't just that little bit stronger than my petulance.
I sit there and stew, waiting for him to make the first move; to come in and apologise, hug me or even just laugh at our ridiculousness in order to break the tension. He, on the other hand, is grateful for the moment of calm, naively believing that it will allow us to cool off, and cracks out the PS5. Let me tell you, if I wasn't boiling mad already that FIFA soundtrack certainly makes sure of it.
What are the love languages?
While I originally assumed that these long, painful afternoons (which often run into evenings) were unavoidably down to my unwavering stubbornness and his ignorant refusal to ever apologise or put down his weapons first, having discovered the world of 'Love Languages' we've managed to understand and easily substantiate our opposing behaviours.
"The concept of love languages was created by Gary Chapman," explains emotional health coach and best-selling author, Roxie Nafousi.
"He defined 5 Love Languages which represent 5 different ways that we express and receive love. We all have one or two prominent love languages. Finding out what your love language is, and your partner's, will help you to unlock a deeper understanding of each other's needs and help you to communicate your love to one another in the best possible way."
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My husband and I are practically identical when it comes to our interests, our tastes, our sense of humour and our desires for the future, but we've always known that we're chalk and cheese when it comes to our emotional behaviour.
I will overthink and overanalyse anything and everything, while he's frustratingly laid back. I'll arrive at a train station with at least an hour to spare, while he'll leap between the doors at the last second and hope that he can buy a ticket on board. I'll dwell on something I said weeks ago, while he probably barely even heard it at the time.
It's unsurprising and only natural, therefore, that our wants and needs from our relationship are different. But while that was always obvious, I never understood it to the extent that the way I like to be loved isn't necessarily the same way he likes to be, and therefore the love I want to receive isn't necessarily the best kind of love to give, and vice versa.
It can leave us questioning our worth, our value, and if we're even lovable.
Learning and understanding this has not only strengthened our relationship in the good times, but it's also made making up after the fights a whole lot simpler as we know exactly what will mean the most to one another. I like “sorry”s and cuddles, while he prefers a more practical offer (usually that I'll make dinner/take the bins out) or something more tangible.
"For example," Roxie explains, "if you know that your partner's love language is quality time and yours is words of affirmation, then you might ensure you carve out time each day to give them undivided attention, and you might ask in return that they make an extra effort to verbally express their love/appreciation."
So what are the five different love languages, and how can you be sure to cater for someone whose love languages differ to your own?
1. Words of affirmation
A person whose love language is words of affirmation places value on written or spoken expressions of love and appreciation. People who have the words of affirmation love language tend to prioritise speech in their relationships. Their way of showing affection is through language and words. They also feel loved when their partners give them words of affirmation and consistent vocal reassurance.
Likes: love letters, hearing "I love you", receiving compliments, frequent texting
Dislikes: silent messages made through looks or touch, poor communication, lack of vocal reassurance
2. Physical touch
People with physical touch as their love language feel most loved when they receive physical signs of affection. Touch can act as an affirming and powerful emotional connector for people with this love language. These people tend to express their love for others through touch, whether that be a hug, kiss or even a light touch on the arm. Sometimes, they will use these touches in the place of words. They also appreciate touch from others and can feel insecure in their relationships when their partner doesn't prioritise touch.
Likes: hugging, holding hands, sitting closely, kissing
Dislikes: lack of physical touch, going a long time without a hug or a kiss, may dislike it when a partner dislikes PDA
3. Acts of service
A person whose primary love language is acts of service values 'helpfulness' and gestures of love. No good deed goes unnoticed to someone with this love language, however big or small. They probably also love to do things for others, whether that be helping them with their problems, fixing things around the house, or surprising them with special acts of kindness throughout the day. Their mind is always focused on how they can make life easier for the people they love. They also appreciate when others do the same for them in return.
Likes: offering to help them with household chores, cooking them a meal, filling up their car with petrol
Dislikes: a partner who needs to be asked to do chores, a partner who doesn't notice how they can help around the house, promises to do things that go unfulfilled
4. Quality time
People whose love language is quality time place importance on spending time with someone who is fully present with them. For them, simply being together and making time for each other means more than words or gifts ever could. They look for people who will find time to be together — even if that time is spent simply sitting in the same room reading a book or watching a movie.
Likes: eye contact, meaningful conversations, undivided attention
Dislikes: people who are distracted by their phones, cancelled plans, people who seem preoccupied when they're with you
5. Receiving gifts
For those whose love language is receiving gifts, they see gifts as significant symbols of love. It is not about the monetary value but the symbolic gesture and effort behind them. They feel particularly loved when the gift demonstrates how well the receiver knows them. They especially appreciate gifts that have a significant personal value. They also love to receive surprising, thoughtful gifts from their partners in return.
Likes: celebrating special occasions, tokens of gratitude, thoughtful gifts
Dislikes: forgotten birthdays or anniversaries, never receiving flowers or little gifts
Ultimately, we're all different, and we all have very different needs and desires from one another in our wide variety of relationships.
'Treat others how you want to be treated' is a great way to check yourself if you're ever being unkind or thoughtless, but when it comes to relationships - romantic or otherwise - it can often be more fruitful to consider treating them the way that they want to be treated.
We call it the "control alt delete" of rejection.
To discover more of Roxie Nafousi's expert Emotional Health advice, head to her website here.
For more from Glamour UK's Fashion Editor Charlie Teather, follow her on Instagram @charlieteather.
