We've all been there. We're angry with our partners for something they did or didn't do and when we confront them about it, we both end up getting defensive. Alas, that little bicker has turned into a full-blown tornado of an argument (if you're anything like me, it ends up getting louder and angrier and I usually slam a door or storm out for a walk).
While most of us realise it's probably not the most conducive way to go about resolving a situation, when we are in the thick of it sometimes it feels unavoidable. However, it turns out we just need a little re-education in the art of talking to each other and relationship expert and mindset coach Ivy Miller has just the solution.
How to find yours (and your partners).
Posting on Instagram, the expert told her 56.5k followers, "Speaking from analysis will naturally create opposition between two people. Because now they have 2 choices: 1. Agree with your analysis and admit to being the bad guy. 2. Defend their good intentions, which will naturally make your pain seem dismissed or minimised. In her shared video, which has received over 8,000 likes, the relationship coach speaks about how we should approach a conversation when we've been hurt.
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She says: "Without realising it most people when they're in moments of upset in their relationships will talk from analysis.
“For example, ‘It was so uncaring of you not to call me when you said you would’. Not only does this keep the conversation on the surface level, it also naturally puts the conversation on the context of agree or disagree - because now the person has to either agree that it was uncaring or protect their good intentions by saying, 'No it wasn't uncaring that's not what I ever meant to do to you.'"
Miller suggests that we instead “speak from our experience" and gives the following example: “When I didn't receive a phone call from you I felt really disappointed and honestly a little forgotten.” She says: "This is what gets to the root of the conflict. The fact that something they said or did sparked some pain that is now alive inside of you that they probably didn't ever intend and that pain is actually the thing that needs to be tended.”
The expert said that most of us don't try this way because we might feel “uncomfortable with being so vulnerable.” However, Miller says that it's that honesty that will help you overcome these issues. “Tending to the pain not tending to whether it was uncaring. That’s what’s going to resolve your conflicts and prevent a lot of arguments,” she says at the end of the video.
It clearly resonated with people because the comments were full of hope. “This is really good advice from both sides,” said one viewer. “I'm honestly working on trying to fully listen, I tend to go into autopilot with my response and only realise afterwards I may have cut someone off or never fully listened until they finished as well.”
This Mental Health Awareness Week, support one another.
Another wrote: “This is is great, something I’ve been looking for a solution on actually! It would be great if you made a follow up video maybe providing an example of how to tend to your partners hurt feelings, but also defend (for a lack of better words) my good intentions?” (Miller replied that she would).
Some, however, have found that this tactic didn't work for them. One user commented: “I try that approach and I'm told I'm being too sensitive or it's not worth discussing because it's so silly..”
Another said: "I am invalidated when I do this, “well I disagree with your assessment of the experience” “that isn’t what happened” Me - “that was what I felt based on my perspective.”
While it might not work for everyone, it's certainly an interesting view and one I will definitely try before I storm off in a rage.
