The cost of living crisis has brought about a financial reckoning for everyone. And the impact of that is felt in all kinds of ways.
I’ve never been frivolous when it comes to money matters. Sure, there were times during my university years where I happily spent weeks living on pasta and pesto so that I could spend my money on more important things, such as splurging in Topshop. (RIP to the in-person stores and my 10% student discount). But I’ve never lived beyond my means. I’ve never gotten into debt. I’ve always been acutely aware of what I’m spending and where the money is going. I have no doubt that this sensibility comes from growing up in a working class household.
The financial stakes are higher when you come from a working class background. Every purchase, even the smallest of expenditures, makes an impact. From a young age, I have understood the value of money and the hard work that goes into getting it. I’ve also always known the difference between “want” and “need.” And while I’ve admittedly conflated the two from time-to-time, my financial consciousness has always prevailed. However, as I’ve gotten older, my hyper-awareness of finances has often translated into me feeling guilty about spending any money on myself. Even when I can easily afford it, and should feel no shame in parting with some cash, I tend to feel uncomfortable when it comes to treating myself. I can happily buy gifts for others, but something as simple as upgrading my own phone leads to a myriad of questions whizzing around in my head. Do I need this? And if not, why am I buying it? Should I really be spending this money on myself? Do I deserve it?
I’ve always been someone who has felt compelled to earn my wins. When I do spend money on myself, I often give myself a goal to complete first. I’ll buy myself that leather jacket after I’ve met all my deadlines or I’ll book that weekend away if, and only if, I ace my presentation. This has always been how I’ve operated, but I’m even tougher on myself nowadays. The cost of living crisis has upgraded my long-experienced twinges of guilt over spending to all-consuming pangs of remorse. It’s hardly surprising, as every day we’re bombarded with unavoidable reminders about the state of the economy and how much more expensive it is to simply exist. Interestingly, my recent conversations with friends and colleagues tell me that I’m not alone in feeling this way. Everything from buying a cup of coffee every day before work to budgeting for a holiday has prompted concerns, and far more discussion than it once did. The truth is, given the current climate, we’re all facing some kind of financial reckoning, whether we realise it or not. Interestingly, although the cost of the economic crisis is, of course, far higher for some, women feeling guilty over money often transcends financial borders.
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There’s a scene in Crazy Rich Asians which has stayed with me, whereby we witness Gemma Chan’s character Astrid hiding her newly-purchased luxury goods from her husband, lest he feel financially emasculated. Astrid has great generational wealth, and can easily afford the trinkets from Dior and Jimmy Choo, yet she experiences guilt nonetheless and instructs her maids to stash the items away before her partner returns home. Yes, this is a fictional scenario, but it’s rooted in the realness of women experiencing guilt. We feel intrinsically guilty about a variety of things.
The term “mum guilt” is used far more frequently than “dad guilt.” Because of societal norms and expectations, women are often shamed if they choose to go back to work after welcoming a child. They’re also sometimes guilt-tripped over daring to enjoy moments without their offspring. If you were to go on the Instagram profile of any celebrity mother right now, the chances are that you wouldn’t have to scroll for long before finding a mum-shaming comment. A simple picture of a mum enjoying dinner with her friends can result in intrusive remarks such as “Where are your kids? We’re also constantly made to feel guilty about our appearance. We’re either too thin or too big, or perhaps our skin is daring to show signs of tiredness or ageing. The entire world of social media marketing largely depends on making women feel guilty enough about something that they’ll seek to transform themselves. We have impossible standards to maintain and we feel guilty when we, inevitably, fall short.
A striking scene in Barbie sees America Ferrera’s character Gloria point out the untenable standards which women are expected to uphold. “You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin,” she notes. “You have to have money, but you can't ask for money because that's crass. You have to be a boss, but you can't be mean.” There’s a reason the Barbie monologue has spawned thousands of online comments and think pieces, because it resonates with women so profoundly.
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Psychologists and behavioural experts have spent decades looking at the relationship between women and guilt, with numerous studies finding that women tend to experience the feeling more than their male counterparts. A study on guilt published by The Spanish Journal in 2010 found that “habitual guilt” was more intensely experienced by women than in men in all three age groups monitored. Many experts have argued that such findings are due to women being raised to be more empathetic. Psychology professor Herant Katchadourian meditated on this in his book, Guilt: The Bite Of Conscience, which is often quoted in studies. He wrote: “Probably the most important factor that leads women to be more prone to feel guilty is their greater sense of empathy. Women are more sensitive to the feelings of others.” Indeed, last year a study from researchers at the University of Cambridge found that, on an international scale, women possess higher levels of cognitive empathy than men.
So where does all this leave us then? Feeling guilty until the end of time? I sincerely hope not. When it comes to my guilt over spending money, I’m determined to make a conscious effort to go easier on myself. Yes, we’re in a cost of living crisis, and that should be acknowledged and remembered. Now more than ever, sensible spending must be a priority. But when there’s room in our respective budgets, there’s no reason we shouldn’t be able to treat ourselves — be it on a grand or small scale — from time to time. I don’t feel nearly as much guilt when I spend money on others, which tells me I need to show myself more kindness. Marie Kondo has taught us that if something doesn’t spark joy within us, then we should dispose of it. That world-famous mantra has inspired one of my own. If something brings you joy, and you can feasibly afford it without living beyond your means, then it’s perfectly OK to treat yourself. Of course, it’s easier said (or written) than done, but it’s something I’ll be repeating to myself the next time financial guilt creeps up on me.
