According to Jason Bateman, I should want children. But because I'm child-free, it means I haven’t met the right man yet. Never mind the fact that I’m married to the man of my dreams and that I’ve thanked my lucky stars every day of the eight years I’ve been with him.
Just like Bateman’s recent SmartLess podcast guest, Charli XCX, I have chosen not to have children. His invasive questioning of Charli's same decision, and his suggestion that the happily married singer will change her mind when she meets the right man, isn't just some harmless off-the-cuff questioning — it’s indicative of a much wider heteronormative, women’s rights issue.
As podcast bros debate falling birth rates, one writer has a radical new suggestion.
That widely paraded, outdated idea that women are on this planet to give birth, and if we deviate from this and choose a different path, it means there’s something wrong with us or with our relationships. There’s not. We just chose a different life trajectory.
I have always known I didn’t want children. Sure, I skipped about with dolls as a kid playing house; but as soon as I was old enough to understand what having children meant and everything that came with them, I couldn’t have been more sure that it wasn’t the life for me. And there hasn't been one day from the age of 16 to my current 41 years that I’ve questioned this decision.
Right from our first date eight years ago, I told my husband that I didn’t want children. In an ideal world, he would have had a child, but it wasn’t important enough to him that he would have stopped his relationship with me to get one. Like the incredible man that he is, he loved me and accepted my stance without once trying to change my mind. We’re now a child-free, happily married couple, delighted with our lives. Neither of us would go back and change things if we could (it’s too late anyway, as I was diagnosed with premature menopause two years ago at 39).
The retorts are usually the same — “You’ll regret it!” or “Parents are happier than childless people!” — but I don’t regret a thing, and I’ve never been happier. I guess the difference in my case is that I have never craved or dreamed about having a child. But I did crave and dream about having a dog. I would go over and pat any that I met on the street, and would gaze longingly at cute ones on TikTok. We feel complete with our dog now. She’s the centre of our universe, and our family feels complete. Basically, we just prefer dogs over children, and that is OK.
I’ve been asked many, many times by strangers and colleagues why I don’t have children, but I’ve never been questioned by my family or friends. They know the headstrong, self-assured, goal-driven person that I am, and have always understood that if I say I don’t want to do something, it means I don’t want to do it. It’s not a fault in my personality, and it’s not because my husband isn’t right for me.
I may not have had to justify my life choices to the people closest to me, but I have been expected to by random people that I meet on many occasions. It’s a rude and outdated question, as it comes with the assumption that all women are supposed to be maternal, with a desire to breed. This isn’t the case. My answer to them is always the same, cold, hard truth — children don’t fit in my life vision, and I actually find them quite boring. It doesn’t mean that I’m not motherly or that I lack a nurturing side; children have just never been a desire of mine, nor has the mapped-out life that comes with being a mother of a tiny human.
Let me DINK in peace.
Sadly, mothers are still penalised in the workplace when it comes to things like promotion and career advancement. In the latest World Inequality report, women are shown to work more hours than men for a third (32%) less per hour, when you factor in most women’s daily hours of unpaid work doing household labour and childcare. Affordable childcare and workplace parental leave policies also stand in their way.
What's more, I like my freedom and time to myself. I go on the holidays I want to go on, without having to drag a bored child around. I can spend two hours on my elaborate skincare and self-care routines, because there is no other demand on my time. I can go out at the last minute; I sleep through the night; all my money is my own; and I don’t catch the viruses and infections my nephews always have from their playground antics.
All of these things that I treasure about my life wouldn’t have been possible if I’d had a child. Of course, being child-free by choice is a privilege, and I must acknowledge the unfathonable pain of those women who have had the decision taken away from them when it was something they wanted.
But I look at my friends who have young children and little time for themselves, and I struggle to understand their decision. Yet I accept that they are as happy with their life as I am with mine. Just like they accept that I love my canine baby as much as they love their kids. There is no judgement between us, which is something a lot of people could learn from.
A new campaign is raising awareness of the dire state of paternity leave in the UK.
