Writer Aimée Lutkin made the decision to stay child-free, here she discusses the often-unacknowledged reality of the impact your nearest and dearest having children can have on your friendship…
If I'm being honest, being a mother was not something I put at the top of my bucket list in my twenties. While I still don't regretting child-free at 38, it’s not easy to witness almost all of your peers start a family. Even when you're happy that they’re happy — and I am — there is a bittersweetness to it, because you know that you will be seeing them less and less, or not at all.
There is a lot of debate on TikTok right about who is at fault when friendship fades as one person becomes a parent and the other doesn’t. One user, @__barbarah, went viral after Julia Fox responded to one of her videos in which she says: “I've seen a lot of women post: ‘You want to know who your real friends are? Have a baby’," she says. “I'm not a mother, but I don't know what it looks like on the other side. But I am a friend – and you guys change after having a baby. You make us feel like we're no longer relatable… so it's not just one-sided.”
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Julia Fox responded by saying it's not their friends that are no longer relatable, but the woman who's just had the baby – because she’s completely overwhelmed caring for her son. And she’s a rich celebrity.
If we can step back and look at it somewhat objectively, it seems like both parties kind of want the same thing: community. They just see the issue completely differently. Mothers want support. Childless people want to remain included in their friend’s lives.
But who is the onus on to maintain the ties that would fulfill everybody’s wants?
Remembering that some people are only a cameo in your life will save a lot of heartache.
Obviously, I have my biases, but before getting to them, I genuinely think that when friends have kids, a period of relaxed standards of reciprocity is necessary; compromise and patience are key. I know how overwhelming it is to keep myself alive, so adding another life to the mix must feel at times like drowning on dry land. It is a childless friend’s duty, in my opinion, to show up and help out, to shoulder the responsibility of making plans that can accommodate the needs of a new parent, and to not take it personally if you don’t hear from them as much for a while.
The issue arises when that grace period ends, because many parents think it never should. It is common to hear parents say, “My kid is my first priority” as a reason for why they no longer reach out, ask questions about their friend’s lives, or take a couple hours off by hiring a babysitter to go to birthdays or big events that don’t center around children. Well, if we were in a monster movie running from a giant insect or something, that would be relevant. Pick up your baby and leave me behind! However, we live in the real world, where caring about someone more than anyone else should not preclude you from taking an interest in the other people who have loved you and supported you throughout your life. Sending a friend a “how are you” text every few months will not take food out of your kid’s mouth.
Since I’ve seen so many of my friends go through this withdrawal from society, I realise some of it is inevitable and even the most well-intentioned person may not have the energy for anything except getting through the day once they have a baby.
You know, fair enough. We can only do what we can do. I’d still argue that at the end of the day, a mother making time to live a life outside her children is to their benefit as well. Self-sacrifice is necessary to be a parent, but martyrdom is not. We all know people who grew up with a mum who wouldn’t allow herself to have fun, who never had hobbies, or friendships, or seemed to do much outside the house besides work. By making your connections external to your family another one of your priorities, you are modeling the importance of community, social networks, and self identity. You are also showing your daughters that they have many choices available for how to live their life, whether they one day become a parent or not.
I know there can be a lot of resentment from mums who feel overworked and underappreciated towards their friends they see out at the club on Insta Stories. To those of you who are boiling over, remember that not everyone who doesn’t have a kid doesn’t want one. Assuming a childless woman is shallow, immature, or doesn’t understand real adulthood is an insult in so many ways, but especially because it may not even be up to her.
In my experience, mums seem to think I’m in a state of arrested development and they’ve moved up to a form of life I’ll never understand. What they don’t get is that I’m also living a life they can’t understand, one that requires walking a far less well-worn road and doing it on my own. I’d be happy to tell them about it if they’d remember to ask. But if I have to have a baby to be seen and regarded as a worthwhile person to spend time with again, that seems very unfair to the baby.
As a childless person, I will always advocate for things that will improve the material life of parents – affordable childcare, better maternity and paternity leave, funding for schools and community centres – because it does matter to me that children are raised to thrive even if I never have one of my own.
I also want my gals pals to have that support so we can get a coffee once in a while. Still, if a friend with a kid doesn’t occasionally extend the invitation my way, I’d rather get coffee on my own. Relationships, like a plant, require tending. Even the most low effort, undemanding cactus of a friendship needs a little water, or it dies.
The factor we're all missing when forming friendships in our 20s and beyond.
