The word “narcissist” gets thrown around a lot. Your girlfriend orders takeaway without you? Narcissist. Your boss takes credit for all your ideas? Mega-narcissist. Your sister signed a deal with Dolce & Gabbana after the Italian luxury brand styled your entire wedding? Attenzione narcisista!
If that last one sounds familiar, you've probably watched the latest episode of The Kardashians, which saw Kim and Kourtney Kardashian reignite their time-honoured, sisterly feud. And yes, the word “narcissist” made an appearance.
During a volatile phone call, Kourtney accused Kim of being self-centred during her Portofino wedding to Travis Barker in 2022. She said, “You are a narcissist. It is all about you. Anything you do, it’s about you and about how it looks to the world about you.”
Kim didn't exactly help matters when she said, “All of your friends call us complaining,” before adding: “We’re on a group chat that’s actually labelled ‘Not Kourtney.’” She later added that Kourtney's kids had come to her with “problems that they have” about their mother. Ouch?
While the episode was certainly compulsive viewing, it likely only shows a small glimmer of what's actually going on between Kim and Kourtney. And it doesn't shed much light on narcissism, either.
Dr Ruth Ann Harpur, a clinical psychologist who specialises in relationships and narcissism, describes narcissism as “the human drive to feel special and important.” According to Dr Harpur, narcissism exists on a spectrum: “From too low (some argue that you can have a lack of narcissism where you want to avoid attention on yourself […] to the point of playing small, denying your own desires and wishes and being overly focused on other people) to too high where the drive to feel special is so strong, and often an over-compensation for feeling inferior or worthless.”
At the extreme end of this spectrum, Dr Harpur tells GLAMOUR, “Someone might be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, where their self-absorption, preoccupation with success, sense of entitlement and need for admiration leads to severe impairments in their ability to function or maintain relationships.”
Does Kim Kardashian fit this criteria? Honestly, who knows. But we all know what it's like to come against someone with narcissistic tendencies.
Allow me to introduce you to Lily*: a friend I made during my post-university existential crisis. Lily was – is – intense. We became very close, very quickly. Within weeks of hanging out, she was introducing me as her “best friend”, buying random “just because” gifts for me, and talking about booking a holiday together. And for my part, I enjoyed our friendship – I thought we'd just clicked.
It isn't just for relationships.
Within about six months, Lily was starting to make me feel uncomfortable. She'd give me unsolicited career advice, lecture me on my own areas of expertise, and invite herself to every event on my social calendar – where she'd no doubt find a way to make the entire thing about her. She became the expert on all things me, from my torrid body image issues to my lacklustre love life.
As a Pisces, not to mention a coward, I tend to avoid confrontation at all costs. I'd rather take up ultra-marathon running than tell someone how their actions made me feel. But one day, I felt I had to confront Lily – and, foolishly, I didn't think it would be a big deal.
I'd recently been dumped by my long-term partner – someone I'd introduced to Lily. I felt morose about the breakup, which was severely exacerbated by Lily actively engaging with him on social media. She liked his posts, messaged him, responded to his stories etc., all the while reporting back as if she were doing me a great service. While I had purged him from all my social media accounts, I still had to deal with Lily's incessant updates about their interactions, which, soon enough, started to sound like flirtation.
“Remorse is simply not something that narcissists experience in the same way other people do.”
It all boiled over during a film night at mine. Lily was constantly checking her phone, laughing, and then making a show of trying not to laugh. “Is it really weird that your ex won't stop texting me?” she asked, giggling. “To be honest,” I replied, swallowing my rage, “it really bothers me that you're even replying to him.”
Within seconds, I found myself on the receiving end of a “narcissistic rage” – a term I only got to grips with after relaying the episode to my therapist.
Dr Sarah Davies, counselling psychologist and author of How to Leave a Narcissist... For Good, describes a narcissist as “somebody who is inherently incredibly selfish and self-seeking.” They carry a “deep sense of shame”, which they'll do anything to avoid confronting. When you confront someone with high levels of narcissism, Dr Davies explains, you're essentially “running the risk of them momentarily getting too close to the sense of shame that they are desperately trying to keep away from at all times.”
“Usually, if you confront somebody about something they’ve done or said, they may feel bad about their actions and feel regretful and then, therefore, perhaps hold their hands up and accept they were wrong,” Dr Davies tells GLAMOUR. “To be able to do that takes being able to experience remorse.”
Funnily enough, “Remorse is simply not something that narcissists experience in the same way other people do.”
“Instead of feeling bad and taking responsibility for their actions, they will more likely retaliate and use any number of narcissistic defences in order to try to shame and blame you (or anybody else). These defences include things like; point blank denial, shaming and blaming others and gaslighting.”
Naturally, my perception of confronting Lily is entirely subjective and shaped by my own retrospective biases. I don't know for sure that she has narcissistic tendencies, but I do remember how she behaved and how it made me feel. Who knows, perhaps I'm the narcissist? You'll have to decide for yourselves…
Here are the five things that happened when I confronted someone with (seemingly) high levels of narcissism:
1. They raged at me
When I voiced my discomfort about Lily's behaviour, she responded with white-hot rage – the kind that I'd only seen on films and TV shows. “Bitch!” she spat at me, before unleashing a tirade of insults at the top of her voice.
“When someone who is high in pathological narcissism perceives a threat to their self esteem, self image or how others sees them, they may react with extreme anger,” explains Dr Harpur.
“The main goal here for the highly narcissistic person is to feel better about themselves and restore their self image as being extraordinary and special.”
Dr Davies explains that this rage comes from “narcissistic injury”: an “emotional wound that threatens a narcissist's very fragile ego – to the point of absolute overwhelm.” She continues, “If there is any risk, perceived or real, to them feeling shame, humiliation or rejection, or of not getting what they want, or losing control or power, the risk of the wound is so great that they react immediately and intensely in a highly defensive, aggressive way.”
We asked the experts.
2. They blamed me for their behaviour
When I voiced my discomfort about Lily getting pally with my ex, she responded by screaming that she was “only looking out for me!!” By keeping tabs on him via social media, she could tell me if and when he moved on so I'd be able to process it – rather than being blindsided. This all sounded vaguely plausible until she began her next line of defence: he was right to dump me. If I hadn't been such a dump-able partner, then she wouldn't have been forced to “look out for me”.
This deflection is known as blame-shifting. As Dr Davies tells GLAMOUR, “Blaming is a narcissistic defence. Narcissists do not experience remorse in the same way other people do, so they do not genuinely feel bad about anything they’ve done. Rather than take ownership or responsibility for their actions, they will simply blame others, either other people, institutions, situations etc. As far as a narcissist is concerned, any issue is always somebody else fault – never theirs.”
And if they do appear to apologise? “It's usually just an attempt to manipulate to (as always) get their own way. It's not heartfelt or genuine.” For the record, Lily never apologised.
3. They weaponised all – and I mean all – of my insecurities
I did not expect my eating habits, sexual history, family members, career choices, and mental health to be dragged into a confrontation about texting. And yet there Lily was, methodically working through a list of my insecurities and life choices, attacking each and every topic with renewed aplomb. I remember thinking, ‘What next? What else about me can she possibly rip to shreds?’
It turns out there's a name for this, too: devaluation. On her website, Dr Davies defines this as the process of “highlighting or pointing out other people's faults or flaws to put them down, belittle or shame them, in order to feel better about themselves.”
Here's what you need to look out for.
4. They brought other people into it
To my knowledge, Lily didn't have a social media group named “Not Lucy” – but I wouldn't have put it past her. Instead, she cited just about everyone I've ever met, from family and friends, to my ex-partners and current romantic interests, to my landlord and my colleagues, as evidence of my poor character. If I had kids, I'm pretty sure she'd drag them into it too.
This is known as triangulation, which Dr Harpur defines as a “form of manipulation where someone brings in a third party to back them up in a conflict.”
“For example, a couple in conflict could attempt to draw in a child to back them up. An abusive person might use this to undermine someone's trust in their relationships with family or friends and increase their dependence on them.”
However, she adds, “This isn't unique to people with high levels of pathological narcissism, nor is such abuse a defining feature of narcissistic personality disorder – although it's certainly something that can be driven by pathological narcissism.”
5. They laughed the whole time
The worst part about this whole encounter? Lily seemed to enjoy it. If you've ever had someone cackle in your face while you're choking on your own tears, you'll understand the sheer horror that washed through my body. While laughing in someone's face might seem insignificant, this behaviour can actually fall under verbal abuse, along with “name calling, belittling, shaming, blaming, demanding, manipulating, sarcasm, criticising, judging, undermining, interrupting / not letting the other person speak, not listening, laughing.”
*Not her real name – obviously.
If any of the warning signs or other information discussed in this article rings a bell and you'd like further information and advice, visit theechosociety.org.uk, a not-for-profit organisation that provides support and raises awareness of narcissistic abuse.
For more from Glamour UK's Lucy Morgan, follow her on Instagram @lucyalexxandra.
We asked an expert to answer key questions about how to handle loving a narcissist.
