Sarah, a 29 year old children’s nurse from Hertfordshire, was married to a man for a number of years before realising she was gay. Grappling with the prospect of leaving her marriage and a new sexual identity took its toll on Sarah’s mental health and left her struggling to cope. But her life is very different today. On World Suicide Prevention Day, Sarah talks to Glamour UK Contributing Editor Anne-Marie Tomchak about how seeking help and coming out transformed her life.
I was always a “good girl”. Growing up I was very feminine and enjoyed playing with Barbie dolls. As an only child, I was extremely close to my mum and dad, and had this desire to make them proud. I think that’s why I thought about nursing as a career as it was about caring for people and doing good.
When I was 21 I met my now ex-husband. He was a very typically masculine guy who worked out, had a good job and a nice family. He was sensible and very kind. By 2017, I was in my mid twenties and had so much stability in my life. I was married, had a house and was getting into my stride in my career (as a children’s nurse). My husband was already talking about having children.
In the beginning it was a good marriage. Nothing specific or significant happened to make it break down. It was all perfect on paper. But something was not right. As time went on, I realised I wasn’t straight.
I had a lot of internalised issues with being gay. When I was growing up, I couldn’t relate to the lesbians that were portrayed on screen. They were butch and promiscuous and hated men. But I liked wearing dresses and being outwardly feminine. I felt what was on screen didn’t represent me and had already removed every trigger that might awaken that part of my identity. I now realise how important representation is. You can’t be what you can’t see.
I didn’t get married to get divorced. But I also started to recognise that I couldn’t stay in my relationship. The thought of uprooting everything seemed overwhelming. I wasn’t in a good way. I felt so trapped in a web of my own making and felt so much pressure to maintain the marriage and all the ties that came with it. I thought about my family who had always been incredibly supportive, my partner at the time. How could I undo this life that I’d built myself? I felt this pressure that I might be stuck in this situation forever.The thought of leaving my husband came with a big sense of responsibility.
My physical and mental health started to suffer. I was not eating properly and was over exercising, going on long runs just in order to feel something. In hindsight it is clear that I needed help. I had no motivation, was crying all the time and feeling numb. I’d stopped doing things I normally enjoyed. These symptoms of depression were things that I thought happened to other people, not me.
By March 2020 my wellbeing had continued to deteriorate to the point where I was thinking ‘everyone else would be better off if I wasn’t here anymore.’ It felt like everything was on top of me and it all came tumbling down. I needed someone to help me. I was googling emergency counselling services and Samaritans kept coming up. But I dismissed it as I wasn’t feeling actively suicidal. I thought Samaritans was for people who were really at risk. I felt like I didn’t want to be here; not because I wanted to kill myself, but purely because I thought everyone’s lives would be easier if I wasn’t around. But after reading the material on the website, I realised that I could go to Samaritans for emotional support.
I spoke to a Samaritans volunteer called Deborah, it was like being heard for the first time. After 27 years of pretending to be someone I wasn’t, I was not just being listened to, but being heard. Being able to speak to someone totally unbiased about how I was feeling made me feel so seen. She never told me what to do but she gave me the tools to think through what I needed to do for myself. I have no doubt that she saved me that day.
After that I sought out talking therapy. Months in therapy gave me back a baseline of resilience. Before that, the smallest inconvenience would send me over the edge. I was on antidepressants for quite some time and I’m still in therapy. It’s really important to check in on yourself as we can all put on a wonderful mask. To anyone struggling, it can be so scary to verbalise things that cause you anxiety and distress. But sometimes, when you say something out loud it takes power away from it and going to Samaritans is a safe place to do that with no judgement.
"Forced parenthood only leads to continued cycles of trauma, as well as intergenerational trauma."
It’s hard to pinpoint the exact moment when I understood that my marriage was over. I just remember one day getting home and being about to put the key in the door and thinking ‘I don’t want to go back in.’Covid happened and it made things so tricky for everybody. I left my partner and moved back in with my parents who are my best friends. I started the process of coming out and becoming comfortable with who I am and finding that it was ok for me identify as a gay woman and not fit into a box about how I should look and act.
I can’t even put into words how much my life has changed. I met an incredible woman who is now my wife. In April 2022 we got married on a beach in Florida. When I think back to that time of my life I just want to hug the young woman I can see was suffering. I was a shell of who I was. Even my mum says to me, the light inside you had gone out but now, when I look at you, the light is back. I look at myself in the mirror and I think, I know her.
I have a future. It’s mine to make and it’s the most incredible feeling.
If you’ve stopped doing things you usually love, you’re tearful, not eating or sleeping properly, drifting from people close to you, taking alcohol or drugs to cope or self-harming, then talk to Samaritans, or someone you trust. Samaritans volunteers are there – day or night, 365 days a year. Call free, day or night, on 116 123, email jo@samaritans.org or visit samaritans.org. You can find more info on World Suicide Prevention Day here.
