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We don't always give ourselves the same love we give to others. While you may find yourself using your love language to shower your other half or your bestie with appreciation, chances are, you rarely grant yourself the same treatment. Say your love language is words of affirmation — you probably make an effort to heap praise and words of encouragement on your partner. Meanwhile, your inner voice might be pointing out your own flaws and mistakes every chance it gets. Or, if your love language is gift giving, you may splurge on a luxurious present for your loved ones, only to deny yourself any indulgences.
Well, what if you made a point of using your love language on yourself, not just on others? According to relationship expert Jessica Alderson, it could be transformative for your self-care. “Incorporating your specific love language into your self-care routine is a powerful way to nurture your relationship with yourself,” she tells GLAMOUR. “It's a way of showing love and care to yourself in a way that truly resonates with you. Just like using love languages with other people, being intentional about how we express love to ourselves can have a huge impact on our mental and emotional well-being. It fills up your cup and allows you to show up for yourself in a more loving, compassionate way.”
How to find yours (and your partners).
What are the five love languages?
First thing's first — what are the five love languages again?
A person whose love language is words of affirmation values written or spoken expressions of love from others and likes to give them the same works in return.
People who value physical touch as a love language feel most loved when they can give and receive physical signs of affection.
Always doing things for the people you love — and love having things done for you? Your love language may be acts of service.
People who have quality time as a love language value nothing more than simply making time for the other person.
Always buying little treats for your loved ones? Or, do you find yourself swooning when your partner surprises you with an unexpected gift? Your love language is probably receiving gifts.
"It took me a long time to figure out it's not his responsibility to make me happy."
Why using your love language in your self-care is so important
So, how can using your love language on yourself change your wellbeing? Well for one thing, loving yourself can be powerful — not just for you individually, but also for you within your relationships.
“Not only does it help to build a deeper connection with yourself, but it also enables you to build stronger relationships with other people,” Alderson says. “When you're able to show yourself love in a meaningful way, you're better equipped to receive it from others. Many people have blocks when it comes to receiving love, and by consistently speaking and treating yourself in your own love language, you can break down those barriers and open yourself up to a deeper sense of connection with others.”
It also means you won't need constant affirmation from others — you can give yourself the love you need. “Being able to meet your own needs, at least to a certain level, and make yourself feel loved gives you a much stronger foundation for the relationships in your life,” she says. “It can help avoid codependency and the pressure of relying on someone else to constantly meet your emotional needs. Instead of placing the burden of your emotional well-being solely on others, you can take an active role in filling up your cup and, in turn, give more freely in your relationships.”
Finally, giving yourself your love language will help you understand exactly what you need to feel loved by someone else. “You can get to know exactly what it is that makes you feel most loved and supported, and then share these insights with your partner, friends or family,” Alderson says. 'Essentially, by being aware of your own needs in a nuanced way and expressing them effectively, you can strengthen your relationships."
After a two-year relationship came to an end, one writer jumped back into the dating pool — only to find it was a puddle.
How to incorporate your love language into your self-care routine
Here are a few ideas on how to incorporate your preferred love language into your self-care routine:
- Words of Affirmation: Write positive affirmations and read them daily. Give yourself compliments and celebrate your accomplishments. This might look like thinking or saying, “I am proud of myself for setting a boundary," or “I trust myself to figure this out."
- Quality Time: Set aside time for yourself without distractions. This could be reading a book, taking a walk, or cooking your favourite meal. You could put your phone away and play your favourite music while doing these things. Think about what kind of activities bring you peace and joy, and make time for them.
- Physical Touch: Take a warm bath with essential oils, use your favourite body lotion, give yourself a massage, or hug yourself. You could also use a weighted blanket for a comforting sensation or wrap yourself up in your duvet. Physical touch doesn't have to come from others — you can comfort, ground and nurture yourself in physical ways.
- Acts of Service: Do something nice for yourself that will make your life easier or more enjoyable. This could be meal prepping, cleaning up your space, or setting up systems that help you stay organised.
- Receiving Gifts: Treat yourself to something that makes you happy, whether it's buying a new book, getting your favourite snack, or purchasing flowers for yourself. It doesn't have to be extravagant, but something that brings a smile to your face. You could also create a self-care box filled with items that make you happy.
