As a sex writer, it's the question I get asked most: how to use sex toys, from the perspective of a total beginner? Yep, a recent survey confirmed that 16% of people are unsure about which vibrator(s) to choose, while two in five men (40%) have never used a sex toy. But if that's simply because you don't know where to start, we like to think we can fix that — and quickly.
Yep, GLAMOUR's resident sexual wellness writer, alongside a twinset of industry experts, has pulled together a step-by-step guide on how to use sex toys, whether flying solo or playing with a partner.
But first — a quick reminder that sex, masturbation and toy teasing — which we consider a form of self-care — is very (!) good for you. All have a host of mental and physical benefits, including reduced stress, better sleep and a boost in your body confidence. Toy play, specifically, also has its perks, including an introduction to new sensations, possibly a greater understanding of what you like and greater trust between partners. So, read to get techy?
| Rosara Torrisi | Licensed clinical social worker specializing in sex therapy and founding director of The Long Island Institute of Sex Therapy (LIIST). |
| Courtney Geter | Certified sex therapist, founder of Atlanta Therapeutic Collective and founder of Papaya Parties. |
What are the benefits of using sex toys?
Maybe you’re not convinced, and that’s okay. Sex toys aren’t for everyone or every couple. But there are a few solid benefits to using sex toys. Firstly, they can be a lot of fun. “Sex is the adult version of the playground,” says licensed clinical social worker Rosara Torrisi. “It’s where we’re allowed to let go and be playful. And with that in mind, you can use anything you want on the playground, including toys.”
Beyond that, plenty of people — especially people with vaginas — require targeted stimulation to have an orgasm. Specifically, clitoral stimulation, with a recent study reporting that 81.6% of women don’t orgasm from intercourse alone. And, thanks to the spike in dopamine that comes with a climax, many often cite reduced stress, better sleep and a boosted mood as side effects. But taking orgasms off the table, sex toys can also offer sensations you might not be able to experience without them.
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Content shot at One Hundred Shoreditch.
A deep dive into the different sex toy types:
Just to make sure we’re on the same page, let’s talk about some of the most common toy types, most of which can be used to supercharge your solo ventures or sex with a partner:
| Vibrators | Any sex toy that moves and shakes to send pleasurable sensations wherever you need them. This includes bullet vibrators, rabbit vibrators and vibrating cock rings, all typically powered by one or more mini motors. |
| Bullet vibrators | An external vibrator shaped like a bullet. It’s a great starter toy for those who haven’t forayed into the world of sex toys — or those who want to keep things simple. |
| Finger vibrators | Mini vibrators which have a discreet body and a loop to secure it to your fingers. A simple way to supercharge your next stop at second base. |
| Clit vibrators | Designed to stimulate your C-spot with vibrations of varying patterns and intensities. Some focus all their energy on the clitoris, others share the love with your entire labia (AKA The Firefighter by the Smile Makers Collection). |
| Clit suckers | Vibrators finished with open mouths which direct air pulsations at the clit without actually touching it — a sensation some say is delightfully similar to oral sex |
| Sex toys for couples | While, really, any toy can be a sex toy for couples, there are some vibrators specifically tailored to partnered play. Many are designed with P-in-V sex in mind — for example, LELO's C-shaped TIANI 3 Massager, which can be inserted into the vagina during penetration and will direct pleasurables sensations at the clitoris, G-spot, and your partner’s penis simultaneously. |
| Long-distance sex toys | Long-distance sex toys and remote-controlled vibrators are fairly similar in that they can be controlled hands-free with either a wireless aid or your mobile phone via Bluetooth or an app. Available in a host of styles, shapes and sizes, they're a twist on the best-selling clit suckers, clit vibrators and G-spot vibrators we've come to know (and love). |
| Dildos | Intended for insertion (vagina, anus, or mouth), these penis-shaped teasers are for those who prefer penetrative play. FYI, traditional dildos don’t typically rumble, but you’ll find plenty of options which have motors. |
| Anal sex toys | Butt plugs, anal beads and prostate massagers all fall into this category of toys designed to enter via the back door. All are available in various colours, styles, weight and with various attachments (for example, animal-style tails). |
| BDSM toys and sex furniture | Some BDSM enthusiasts would prefer to call these accessories instead of toys, but this category includes everything from paddles and floggers to sex pillows and sex swings, you could consider these more intense options best suited to experienced toy players. Many prompt a Dom/Sub style set up, and require a clear setting of boundaries beforehand. |
GLAMOUR's top tips on how to use sex toys:
The first step in using toys? Ensure everyone involved wants to use sex toys, meaning you'll need to have an open, honest conversation. Don’t worry if you or your partner has some initial hesitations — there’s still a lot of societal weirdness about using sex toys as a couple, and they may have internalised the narrative that a good partner is supposed to be ‘enough’. Plus, it’s not like sex toys often make an appearance in on-screen sex scenes, or even a lot of mainstream porn.
If you're both pro-toy, it's also smart to check you're on the same page when it comes to safe sex practices. For example, cleaning after every use with a sex toy cleaner, or putting a fresh condom on a dildo before using it with a different partner.
If you’re truly a beginner when it comes to using sex toys together, it can be a good idea to familiarise yourself with your options. But browsing together can also provide the perfect opportunity to discuss your sexual interests and fantasies, even doubling as foreplay.
“There can be a complete lack of communication between partners about what they like,” says Torrisi. “To be able to say, ‘hey, let’s use this toy,’ means ‘hey, I like this sort of thing’ or ‘hey, I’m curious about this'.”
You can do this via the best sex toy shops online, our personal favourites including LELO for luxury playthings, Lovehoney for budget-friendly buys and Lovense for app-controlled options. For speedy delivery, Amazon offers next-day delivery on most vibrators, all subtly packaged in cardboard boxes.
Shop to it.
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A common mistake even experienced toy fans make? Heading straight for their genitals, skipping over 30 other erogenous zones that, when stimulated, provide intense pleasure. Torrisi encourages people to explore their entire body with a toy, whether that means experimenting with how vibration feels on your nipples or how the smooth silicone of a dildo feels running down your back. “Don’t use a new toy on your genitals the first time,” she advises. “Play with it on your skin along the whole rest of your body and just see what that feels like.”
There are exceptions, though. When using something outside its intended purpose, make sure it’s safe. This applies primarily to anal play — anything you put up your butt should have a flared base, so it doesn’t get stuck.
From your armpit to your toes.
As previously mentioned, some vagina-having people may struggle to orgasm during penetration without additional clitoral stimulation. So, take the reins while your partner penetrates you. Get your hands on an unobtrusive clit vibrator and find a position that gives you good access (doggy or spooning).
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Toys are especially handy when it comes to edging: the act of getting yourself or a partner close to orgasm but stopping before you tip over into euphoria. Not only is it equal parts teasing and sexy, but it also helps you and your partner tune into exactly what needs to happen to make each other climax.
Some toys – specifically long-distance sex toys and remote control vibrators — give you the option to go hands-free, or relinquish all control to your partner. The benefits? Trusting your partner to tease you can deepen your bond and bring on intense pleasure for you both. And they're a great option for long-distance lovers, too.
According to Torrisi, there are many ways to get creative with your senses during sex with the help of toys. For example, experiment with temperature. Metal toys can be warmed or cooled simply by submerging them in water. There are also warming toys like Lovehoney Glow Bunny Rechargeable Warming and Cooling Rabbit Vibrator, which our sexual wellness writer rated a full five stars.
Don’t forget sensory deprivation, either. The touch of a toy can feel so much more intense without your sense of sight. If you’re intrigued, involve a satin blindfold.
Toys provide a ton of opportunities to play in ways you wouldn’t normally. For example, they can aid sexy role reversal. May we suggest using a strap-on to penetrate a partner who normally penetrates you (only after gaining consent)?
Using toys together doesn’t have to mean using toys on each other. Mutual masturbation is an equally valid way to explore your bodies, show each other what you’re into, and get off together. Also, if your partner has a penis and isn’t used to masturbating with toys, now is a great time to introduce them to the best sex toys for men.
