In our three-person group chat with a slightly unhinged name (as all the best ones are), a friend shares a recap of her latest Hinge date. “He was funny and super charming,” she texts, “but he did say he has an avoidant attachment style. Sooo… that’s a big no from me.” Our other friend admits she has no idea what attachment style her boyfriend of seven years is. She’s never asked.
And that, right there, is the modern dating dilemma.
If you need a more public example, just rewind to Season 8 of Love is Blind, when Madison revealed to Mason that she had an avoidant attachment style. His response? Panic. As someone with an anxious attachment style — and a history with an avoidant ex — he said he felt “triggered” and needed space to process whether their relationship could actually work. Yes, he considered calling off a proposal based on attachment theory.
The internet didn’t explode because it was absurd; it exploded because it made a little too much sense. In 2025, attachment styles are the new astrology signs. Everyone’s reading Anxiously Attached, everyone wants a trauma-informed lover, and the hottest green flag on a dating profile? Emotional regulation.
It begs the question: Is emotional availability the new “good in bed”?
Let’s back up for a second. Attachment theory, originally developed by psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in the late ‘60s, examined how infants react when separated from their caregivers. In other words, your whole romantic future might be getting judged on whether you cried when your mum left the room.
But don’t roll your eyes just yet. “Attachment theory is the most studied and quantifiable theory of psychology,” Dr. Wendy Walsh, Relationship Expert at DatingAdvice tells GLAMOUR. “Early life attachment style has been correlated with educational attainment, income, number of divorces, and even physical health. It’s illuminating, and sadly, quite predictive.”
Still, it’s hard to ignore that therapy-speak has taken over the way we talk about dating. Whether or not you’ve got a psychology degree like me, your group chats probably include words like “trauma,” “boundaries,” “triggered,” and “narcissist.” We’re analysing crushes like case studies and casually dropping “anxious-preoccupied” into small talk. The vibe check has become a diagnostic session. So are we evolving when it comes to love — or just pathologising it? Dr. Walsh sees both sides. “The best thing about the increased use of psychological terms when exploring interpersonal relationships is that daters are realising that emotional health is very important to relationship security,” she says.
“The problem lies in the fact that the average person doesn’t hold a Ph.D. in Psychology and becoming an armchair psychologist can lead to dangerous misdiagnoses and misunderstandings of human behaviour, diagnosing any atypical benign behaviour as a symptom of something deeper.”
This could be affecting your own dating life.
Spoiler: Not every flaky texter is avoidant. Not every confident date is a narcissist. And no, your ex probably wasn’t a clinical sociopath, just a bit of a jerk.
This culture of over-labelling can be exhausting. Remember when first dates were about picking the right outfit and hoping you didn’t get spinach in your teeth? Now it’s: What are your non- negotiables? Do you have a secure base? Did your parents ever hug you?!
Ironically, all this talk about trauma doesn’t even bring us closer. Sometimes, I walk away from a date knowing their entire childhood trauma and still have no idea what kind of person they are on a Sunday morning or how many syllables are in their traditional coffee order.
“When every dating behaviour gets labeled as trauma, narcissism, or a disorder, we lose sight of the beautifully messy human experience that dating is supposed to be,” explains Mariah Freya, Sex Education Expert and CEO of Beducated – Learn How to Have Great Sex . “Not every disagreement signals incompatible attachment styles, and not every relationship challenge stems from childhood wounds.”
Mariah sums it up as “Dating should be about exploration, chemistry, timing, and sometimes just plain luck.” We’ve lost that trust in dumb luck. We’re opening a Hinge convo with “What’s your avoidant style?” and closing it with Googling “Is love bombing always malicious or just sometimes enthusiastic?” It’s great to embrace our inner child, but maybe they can take a backseat while we work up the courage to dirty talk. It’s hard to flirt when every conversation sounds like a couple’s therapy roleplay.
So, can we find a middle ground between chaotic love and clinical detachment, or are we just dating our trauma worksheets?
My last ‘situationship’ made me realise it was time to do the work.
Mariah suggests a refreshingly grounded approach. First, get clear on your non-negotiables — but base them on values, not psychological labels. “Avoidant” isn’t a dealbreaker; disrespect is. Then, when something feels off, lead with curiosity instead of judgment. Ask questions rather than assuming you’ve cracked their attachment blueprint. And finally, check in with your body. If you feel tense or constantly self-monitoring around them, take that seriously. “Your body will often register discomfort before your mind can explain it,” she says. The truth is, people have been falling in and out of love long before TikTok therapists and self-help carousels told us how to do it right. Dating has never been easy, but it’s not supposed to be a trauma recovery workshop either.
So go ahead, keep your copy of Attached on your nightstand, but maybe don’t bring it on the date. Try flirting without the DSM-5. Let yourself be surprised, a little reckless, a little hopeful. Ask if they like Taylor Swift before you ask about their childhood wounds.
%2520190924%2520LSCREENSHOT%25202024-09-19%2520AT%252011.43.46%2520COPY.jpg)
