If there’s one thing my recent situationship taught me, it’s the importance of attachment styles. As somebody with an ‘anxious’ attachment style, I usually tend to catch feelings pretty quickly, expect the worst to happen, and freak out that when I have a good thing, I’m going to lose it. Being with someone who was fairly ‘secure’ only highlighted just how much I wasn’t. After years of knowing, deep down, that this was something I had to address, I could no longer put it off: I had to really get stuck in and heal my anxieties around dating and relationships. However, it was something I knew I didn’t want to do alone and thus, got to work to enlist the help of an expert dating coach.
What are attachment styles?
First, some background: ‘attachment styles’ as a concept was created by psychoanalyst John Bowlby in the 1900s, and later popularised in the 21st century by the works of Dr Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller M.A. – predominantly through their bestselling book ‘Attached’. So common have discussions of the three primary attachment styles (anxious, avoidant and secure) become, they are often at the centre of many modern millennial dating experiences. Understanding your own style – and that of your potential partner – can really help to navigate closeness and intimacy, conflict resolution and your prospective future together, and the first step is discovering which you most relate to.
“Attachment styles differ in how people navigate connection and closeness in relationships,” explains dating and relationship coach Vicki Pavitt. “Anxious attachers crave connection and when they’re afraid, they are soothed by closeness and togetherness. They also tend to develop feelings for people quickly and can put people on a pedestal (before knowing who they really are), which can cause them to overlook dating red flags. Oversharing on dates is also common to sort of ‘speed up’ the connection and test someone’s commitment or interest… [as is] a tendency to over analyse interactions… and second-guess.
"But for avoidant attachers, it’s almost the opposite: they feel uncomfortable with too much closeness and vulnerability and are soothed by space and distance.” Then there’s those who are ‘secure,’ which Vicki says is like a ‘middle ground’. “People with this style feel comfortable both giving and receiving love, have high self esteem and can handle challenges without overreacting or withdrawing.”
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And how to regain your independence without having to drift apart.
What's it like living with an anxious attachment style?
I tend to do all of the above. The core of my anxiety is that like with people (friends, romantic connections and family members) in the past, something will go wrong and I’ll be ‘abandoned,’ confirming my biggest fears about myself that I’m ‘too much’ or not worthy of the type of love I want.
Earlier this year, I was dating someone who was confident, self-assured and largely secure. But when they demonstrated examples of avoidant tendencies (cutting and running after our first argument and avoiding certain conversations about what we ‘were,’ instead wanting to keep things ‘light and fun’), my abandonment fears started to really manifest. If I’m honest with myself, they even kicked in way before when things were going well and the person was showing up in a secure way, because I was so scared I would lose them.
For many of us with anxious styles, the goal is to lead with more ‘secure’ habits and behaviours, rather than those led by worry. This is certainly what I’ve always strived for, but never quite achieved. So, I decided to ask for professional guidance.
Can a relationship coach really help?
Coaching is an intentional, targeted tool to heal and grow from an anxious attachment style, as “it helps you address the root of the pattern and create new, healthier ways of relating,” says Vicki. “Through coaching, you can build self awareness and explore with your relationship coach where your anxious patterns come from and how they’re showing up in your love life. This is a powerful step as awareness is the first step to change.”
My sessions with Vicki began with us setting some goals for our time together, as well as me recognising my own patterns. What I quickly realised was I actually demonstrate behaviour more akin to a ‘disorganised’ attachment style, which features anxious tendencies and avoidant ones (fun). I am someone who craves love and deep connection, but because of my negative past experiences, detaches and pushes people away the moment I feel they are not ‘showing up’ for me. This happened when a recent person I was seeing acted distant in messages and stopped putting in as much effort suddenly, which resulted in me detaching quickly and ending the relationship. Some of this is healthy self-protection I’m proud of, but at times, it’s self-sabotage. So my goal was to move towards more of a secure approach to dating and relationships, recognising that it is OK to maintain certain ‘tendencies’ from my disorganised nature, but to lean more into healthier patterns.
Sessions one and two centred around visualising what it was I wanted from a healthy partnership in future. Through weekly homework and discussions with Vicki, we decided my ‘mantras’ going forward should be the following: ‘I am available for a safe, kind, passion/laughter-filled relationship’ and ‘I am available for somebody who is a trustworthy, honest, loyal, funny and passionate person.’ I was also encouraged to practise kindness and reassurance to myself in order to learn the art of self-soothing and to switch my approach to dating from one of fear to hope.
The following two weeks with Vicki, we worked on getting excited about dating again, rather than dreading it and thinking it would always fail or be ‘hopeless’. Dating for me is not ‘fun,’ and this is something I wanted to change; because I was always anxious and dead set on finding ‘the one,’ I struggled to just live in the moment, let go and enjoy it. We set practical targets for an upcoming date I had: I was going to try not to take it too seriously or invest so much early on. The goal of this was to shift my mindset so I am able to not get too attached too quickly or worry if it were to work out or not; instead, I need to remember it’s all just part of the experience.
This explains A LOT.
Week five saw discussions turn to self-love and feeling worthy of the kind of complementary external love I am seeking – and not settling for anything less. After years of abandonment, emotionally abusive relationships and negative experiences, I had started to believe perhaps love just wasn’t on the cards for me because I wanted ‘too much’ or that my anxiety would continue to push people away. Vicki taught me this isn’t true: she validated my needs and set me a task to write out my ‘non-negotiables’ for future dates and relationships. These included finding someone who gives reciprocal effort and energy, makes me feel safe, is honest, kind and funny, wants a committed long term relationship and who ‘shows up’ practically and emotionally. I also vowed to focus on prospective partners who are more on the ‘secure’ side (or like me, are working on it), which Quinn says is important: “Developing a healthy relationship will come down to both working on yourself, and choosing the right partners who help you to feel safe.”
Writing these needs down and discussing them with a coach felt so validating and allowed me to see I am not asking for too much and that the right person will give these things to me willingly. This approach allows me to feel much more free in dating, and to not settle simply because I am anxious that I’ll be alone. My new mantra I am to repeat to myself regularly (and write on little post-its throughout my house) is: ‘I am willing to believe that I am worthy of healthy love and care.’ Through this, I have built more self-esteem and thus, started to feel less of a need for constant reassurance.
How to heal your attachment style beyond coaching
I’ve noticed growth throughout these weeks but this is of course an ongoing journey, and one that requires continuous work. This was what my last session with Vicki focused on: practical steps for healing my anxious attachment style going forward. These include reading literature such as Levine and Heller’s ‘Attached’ and Jessica Baum’s ‘Anxiously Attached,’ self-soothing in times of peak anxiety when I’d usually go to a partner for reassurance (creating a ‘self-soothing toolkit’ including steps like journalling can help this greatly) and shifting my perspective on dates in order to take the pressure off and not get attached too quickly. The latter means doing things like limiting time on first dates (i.e. a coffee or quick drink), dating more than one person at once and setting boundaries with checking in on romantic partners on social media.
My ongoing goal is to continue to increase my self-esteem so I believe I am not ‘too much’ or unworthy of love. This will allow me to never settle for the wrong person, to be secure enough in who I am, and happy enough alone that I don’t get attached to someone too quickly or feel great anxiety about what happens – or what it means – if they leave. Coaching has helped with this, but what it’s done the most is restored my belief that I can work through my anxiety – and find a partner who I deserve.
“It’s absolutely possible to heal and move toward a more secure attachment style,” confirms Vicki. “While old habits can occasionally resurface, healing from an anxious attachment is about creating new, healthier patterns. As you work on self awareness, emotional regulation and building self worth, you’ll begin to notice that you respond to challenges in relationships with less drama and more calm and confidence.
“It’s not about perfection, it’s about progress – and knowing that the more you understand and love yourself, the easier it becomes to attract and nurture the relationship you deserve.”
For more information or to book complimentary love coaching consultation, visit vickipavitt.com.
