This article references suicide.
Men have the highest rates of mental health problems, and suicide is the biggest cause of death for men under 50 in England and Wales. This is a stat that, sadly, most of us probably already know. But still, how often do we really talk about male mental health? What are we doing as a society to actually address it? And why, although we love to proclaim how far we've come in dismantling the taboo around male mental health, do we rarely see this stark reality reflected on our screens; in the media we consume?
Thankfully, Channel 4’s comedy Big Boys is providing a long overdue representation of – and a new perspective on – men’s mental health. The show finishes its third and final season as it began: giving us the reference points to talk about men’s mental health and asking the question, what can we do to truly support the different types of men around us who are struggling?
Life doesn't have to be a slog.
If you are not familiar with the BAFTA-winning show, Big Boys is a semi-autobiographical sitcom from Jack Rooke based on his time at university. The show follows Jack, played by Derry Girls star Dylan Llewellyn, as he starts to explore his sexuality at the fictional Brent University and befriends his straight roommate, Danny. Jon Pointing’s Danny is anything but the confident ‘lad’s lad’ he pretends to be, and his struggles with mental health are shown from the very beginning - in episode two, we see Danny taking medication for the first time.
Over three seasons, the show is a melting pot of niche queer culture references and vital tender moments between the unlikely pair. Gamu’s unjust eviction from X Factor at the judge's houses stage (if you know, you KNOW) and a fish called Alison Hammond feature alongside queer rights of passage and grief.
The first season begins in the shadow of Jack’s grief after he lost his father, Laurie, and grief haunts the narrative throughout the seasons. In the last season, Jack’s cousin, Shannon, goes into labour and the family is taken back to the place where Laurie died. Big Boy’s tough moments are poignant, but there is so much comedy mixed in. There lies the magic of Big Boys: it shows that comedy is always there, even in the darkest of times and laughter – along with friendship – is an incredible remedy to our problems, especially loneliness. Unfortunately for Danny, as he becomes increasingly lonely in season three, he isolates himself from friendship altogether.
Danny’s depression comes to a devastating end in the final two episodes of the show. The penultimate episode is set to the looming dread of dissertation deadlines, the end of university and the pinging of Grindr messages as Danny sits by his dying Nan’s hospital bed. Danny, who hasn’t replied to Jack’s multiple messages and calls trying to help, is then left alone by his Dad to cremate his Nan.
“Not to spoil the ending but everything is going to be OK”.
The two friends leave university and go home to two very different home lives. Jack Rooke’s voiceover says it all, “I kept trying to make plans with you, but you just didn’t seem to want to make them,” and when Danny's cousin is sent to jail for armed robbery, he is pushed to the edge for the final time. Danny is a true victim of the culture of silence that has stopped many men talking about their mental health. He is a victim of our societal obsession with intrinsically linking masculinity with strength, which has long forced men to be ‘strong’ and actively dissuaded them from showing any sign of vulnerability.
The final episode shows Jack Rooke playing an older Jack sitting on a Margate bench overlooking the sea talking to the ghost of Danny about his death. It’s the best seven-minute conversation you will probably ever see on TV. It is funny – they talk about the rising price of a Tesco meal deal – and deeply moving. The pair exchange, "I am sorrys” and as Jack beautifully says, “You don’t need to explain it, we all know there isn’t just one answer.”
What Big Boys does so truthfully in that moment and across the three seasons is show depression and mental health challenges don’t look or present in a specific way, and there isn’t one answer to the problem. Depression or any mental health problems can look very differently on the outside than they do on the inside and present differently in everyone. You can be the lad about town with the tough facade and still struggle. You can be exploring your sexuality at university and still struggling to navigate grief.
There can be multiple reasons why someone suffers from their mental health and the answer isn’t just to tell people to start talking. We talk a lot about ‘talking’ and how important it is to ‘talk,’ but that only goes so far when we haven’t been taught how to share and how to listen when someone opens up to us about their mental health.
You don’t have to act as their therapist to make a meaningful difference.
As Big Boys shows, mental illness can happen to anyone at any time and the ability to get help is a class-based and a gendered issue, too. Not everyone has the means or the ability to find a therapist, or even have an understanding support network to turn to.
We are so used to hearing celebrities or people with great privilege being given a platform to talk about their mental health – which is incredible and has helped in reducing stigma, especially amongst women – but people from different backgrounds or classes aren’t given the same platform. We have to dig a little bit deeper to find their stories and to get them the help they need. Where is their representation, their guidance to navigate their struggles and get help?
The reality is, and as Big Boys brutally suggests, yes, we have more buzzwords or terms to talk about or put a sticking plaster over mental health, but where is the tangible change, and how can we really help? It says, and rightly so, that talking can start a path to recovery, but it doesn’t always solve a problem and can’t solve the problem alone. We need seismic social change and better social health institutions and as individuals, we need to put aside our biases and not expect mental health to manifest or appear in a certain way, especially when it comes to men’s mental health, if we are ever going to truly address this issue.
Big Boys gives us the platform and the reference point to get talking but actually doing something about it starts with us. It starts with us showing up, learning how to talk to someone about their mental well being and helping someone get the right support and backing them along that journey. So let’s do it for ourselves, our loved ones and do it for all the Dannys out there.
Big Boys is available on Channel 4 On Demand now.
When life is difficult, Samaritans are here – day or night, 365 days a year.
You can call them free on 116 123 or email them at jo@samaritans.org. Whoever you are and whatever you’re facing, they won’t judge you or tell you what to do. They’re here to listen so you don’t have to face it alone.
Feminine energy should be celebrated in the workplace (and everywhere else).
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