Attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a neuro developmental condition which can be inherited from a parent at birth or developed through exposure to trauma through childhood. It is also possible to develop it as an adult.
It lies in the under development of the prefrontal cortex, which controls attention and organisation, and the limbic system, which regulates our emotions, autonomic functions, and behavioural responses. ADHD brains also have low levels of dopamine which helps to control the brain’s pleasure and rewards centre.
It's now estimated that there are 2.6 million people in the UK with ADHD. Since 2019, referrals for ADHD and autism have risen five-fold, and a 51% increase in prescriptions for ADHD medication, according to the Nuffield Trust. Many of these people have waited years for a diagnosis. Women, like myself, who was only recently diagnosed at the age of 38, will no doubt have been suffering all their lives thinking at times that they’re stupid, thick, weird and wondering why they struggle with so many everyday things that other people seem to find effortless, such as short-term memory, organisational skills, and severely struggling to regulate emotions. Often these symptoms will be misdiagnosed as anxiety or depression, or both.
Due to new research primarily based on adult women, as opposed to the young, white male research model which was what people associate with ADHD: more women are thankfully now being diagnosed, which is why in some circles, the amount of women now being diagnosed has been described as a ‘trend’. It is not. For those women, like myself, finally having a diagnosis is illuminating and relieving.
When it comes to ADHD symptoms, boys generally show up differently to women: being rude in class, hyperactive and having so much energy they are bouncing off the walls, so it is far easier to spot in males from a young age. For females, however, that hyperactivity can become internalised, resulting in hyperactive thinking.
For me, on an average day my brain feels like I have 6000 tabs open on a computer and not knowing which one to focus on. Or being at a junction with 60 traffic lights all flashing different colours.
But it’s the incessant stream of intrusive thoughts which are like popping candy which cause the most disruption as they warp reality and can cause severe paranoid thinking.
As a child I was brought up with two siblings and two parents in a household full of chaos and dysfunction.
In some regard I feel like having a nervous system constantly on high alert due to exposure to constant fighting and unhappy parents is somewhat to blame for a good portion of my anxiety.
Trauma can be closely linked with ADHD but it’s nuanced and complex. Something which is different for everyone and is reason why ADHD has been so lately diagnosed in life for many people as some of the symptoms can manifest the same for both.
We can still be kind while acknowledging that Jacques O’Neill's ADHD is no excuse for disrespecting women.
At school, I remember being around average in class - good at art, but my mind would drift off to places frequently in all other subjects and if things weren’t hands on or creative or interesting to me I would lose myself in hours of daydreaming.
I suffered from depression progressively from mid school. Anxiety was always the default low hum of my existence and I then developed bulimia, which carried on through University and into my early 20s.
A common symptom of ADHD is thinking there is something ‘wrong’ with you and I definitely felt this, as if I was somehow different from my peers.
I studied ‘history of art design and film’ at Uni, a course which involved lectures and essay writing. I would find myself dragging my feet to the lecture halls and either walking out, falling asleep or asking the person next door multiple questions about what had gone in one ear and rapidly out the other.
After three years I managed to scrape a degree by staying up the night before each exam frantically trying to memorise as much info as I could then regurgitating it onto the exam paper.
I feel like I have spent the whole of my life feeling shameful. Shameful for being disorganised, shameful for being forgetful, shameful for zoning out when people are talking to me. Phoning when it suits me or promising to phone and not; being flaky; being a bit crap with my nieces and nephews; failing to answer the phone to my brother and sister who I love. Generally being too much in my head and not enough in the room.
I think a lot of this probably sounds confusing and inauthentic to many as so much of the time I come across as being happy with high spirits. I do of course feel happy, but 50% of the time it’s a mask and I’m actually battling to look and fake the feeling of normality. This, I have recently learnt, is all part of having ADHD.
Having inconsistent emotions can often feel to others like I am being calculated; one minute letting my guard down and speaking honestly about my constant state of overwhelm and despair, swiftly followed by a moment of appearing to be almost erratically happy desperately trying to over compensate as to not to appear ‘always low vibes’.
'I followed these accounts en masse, saving and screenshotting anything and everything that felt even the slightest bit reassuring or informative. I wanted to know that I wouldn’t feel this bad forever.'
This is exhausting and of course very confusing for anyone who gets close to me and witnesses these fickle mood swings.
“It’s just the way you are, don’t change! We love your scattiness” is what I often hear from my friends. But no, for me, it’s f**king exhausting and debilitating. The amount of emotional and physical energy it takes to try and act normal and to ‘focus’ on not drifting off when someone is talking is incredibly taxing.
With ADHD we also feel things a million times more and often random emotions will just come out of nowhere and hit us like a truck. I have to make erratic decisions on the spot to figure out whether I can justify cancelling a plan or whether I can just about ride it out with a few glasses of wine.
Being on antidepressants for many years also hasn’t helped me or my ADHD because it’s like treating flu with anti-itch cream...Questionably they have perhaps pulled me out of a stagnated depression a couple of times in my 20s and early 30s but have never really felt like much of a life raft.
Sometimes however I will feel totally amazing and I will try to make the most of those ‘high’ moments as I don’t know how long they will last; running around seeing thousands of friends and spreading myself too thin.
This is consequently followed by intense burnout and the need to hibernate alone and not see anyone. I know this leaves friends wondering why they are only worth an hour or my time having not seen them for months.
ADHD brains are also wired for ‘interest’ newness, excitation, bright colours, new places, ... Hence why we can go into ‘hyper focus’ if things are exciting or interesting to us.
If tasks or conversations are boring- our brain literally shuts off. (Which is why reading books, watching movies or studying can be so challenging.) This is probably why I’ve spent the last 15 years travelling the world on a boat working as a chef.
I got my diagnosis about 6 months ago which resulted in a 3 hour consultation with a psychiatrist. I have mixed feelings of ‘phew’ this all makes sense but also having to come to terms with having to relearn now my brain operates.
I decided to take the bull with the horns and overloaded on podcasts and research to try and understand as much about this as possible.
Around this time I was lucky enough to be introduced to a new pal in Palma, Mallorca, where I live, who also happens to have ADHD.
We bonded over feeling bonkers and shared stories about our struggles and battles over the years. Both thrilled we had found someone else who understands the excruciating pain of paying for an online parking ticket and the normality of losing 2 cash cards in the same week.
IMPULSIVE with money, impulsive with boys, deciding after a 3 week holiday in Mexico, whilst still in transit back home to Palma that I’m instead going to put the deposit down on an ‘unfurnished’ apartment in a mountain village to move straight into 3 days later “It will be fine baaabe!" I said defensively to my friend Jen when she promptly told me that this was a crazy idea.
As for money, I think everyone who knows me, knows my problem with buying crap over the years. Hundreds of clothes unworn with tags still on bought in the heat of a dopamine fix.
However when things are ‘urgent’ or super interesting hyper focus sets in and things can happen flawlessly with upmost attention for hours’
It’s been hard also trying to accept that people won’t necessarily understand because on the outside ‘it doesn’t really seem ‘that bad’. and although I’ve spoken to some of my closest friends and family about how I’ve been feeling over the years it’s difficult to really explain all the little pieces of the jigsaw.
It’s frustrating when you hear things like ‘everyone has ADHD’ or, ‘I’m pretty sure it’s from living in this modern world and too much social media’ (to an extent, yes, social media can promote symptoms but it isn’t the root cause) or, ‘You know there is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU’.
Since the diagnosis I’ve started to see a specialist ADHD coach who has started to help me unpick a lot of my behaviours help me to understand my sensitive nervous system and learn techniques for coping with stress, and emotional regulation.
She also suffers from the condition has helped me to navigate certain aspects of my life I find challenging such as prioritising my time, dealing with overwhelm, organising my life in general and trying to focus on my strengths.
But mainly working on self-acceptance and trying to be compassionate when I think I’m a f**k up for forgetting where I’ve parked the car and getting lost in the car park for an hour; or when I haven’t called my dad for 6 weeks because it seems just too overwhelming. For failing to keep things tidy and organised however hard I try.
She’s helped me realise that I need a lot of downtime, a non-negotiable routine and must always prioritise sleep.
Also exercise is a big antidote to the chaos and not exercising is often the difference between having a good or a bad day.
Along with coaching I’ve started taking supplements such as magnesium and omegas (when I remember) which feed the brain and help with neuro transmitters and also a low dose of stimulant drugs which have helped with the low hum anxiety, racing thoughts and to gather focus to get stuff done when I’m feeling particularly ‘scattered’ or aloof.
I do feel I have spent a lot of time feeling so misunderstood as I just come across as forgetful, vacant and inconsistent and having my head permanently in the clouds which I guess are passed off as being irritating character traits.
Social anxiety is a big thing too and through my diagnosis I’ve realised I actually hate big groups of people. Drinking even a glass of wine is a gamble, as I don’t know how it’s going to make me feel. Gone are the days of dealing with this by downing 12 vodka tonics.
I’ve started telling everyone about my ADHD now: old friends, new friends, the person making my coffee or the lady at the bus stop.
I think it’s maybe because I think I’m going to get some kind of ‘get out of jail card’ if I end up catapulting someone else’s coffee across the length of the bakery, like I did last week. Or end up scraping the work hire car for the 14th time.. They’re like, ‘Aaaaaah, don’t worry, she has ADHD! that explains it!’
I’ve met lots of women who have the same struggles in the last few months and it’s been amazing to be able to chat openly and laugh about the ridiculous and random things our brain makes us think, say and do.
This transparency I feel especially with those who know me well, might go some way in helping people understand why I butt in when they are talking to me or why I’ve in the past done things like gone and run a bath in the middle of a dinner party because I’m bored. Or changed my clothes 12 times in one evening.
And while nothing that much has changed since my diagnosis, it has allowed me to identify the behaviours and to soften to the feeling of forever being a square peg in a round hole and instead to start to embrace all this with grace and patience.
