Some psychological research about dating has sort of dominated social media users’ posts lately – especially single people. According to Psychology Today, men are viscerally single and feeling lonelier than ever. This is cause for concern, as men typically have a better quality of life when partnered and they possess a lethal combination of being less likely to seek help for their mental health, and more likely to commit suicide.
Loneliness is serious and should be addressed and supported, but first we have to unpack why it’s happening.
Part of the loneliness is simply down to men making up 63% of dating app users. So if we’re thinking heterosexually (which every study like this seems to be), there are more men than women dating and, therefore, less chances for making matches. Yet, popular dating app Hinge, found through their beta trials that 90% of users rated their first date positively, with 72% indicating wanting a second date. So, how are there so many lonely and unmatched men? Perhaps the happy 90% were dating other people.
But there’s a deeper problem with dating culture at play. Men are feeling lonely, because expectations for men have been famously low and they tend to half-arse both dating and their own personal development, and women are, put simply, giving up on them, weeding out the week and raising their dating standards.
Psychology Today puts it this way: “[Women] prefer men who are emotionally available, good communicators, and share similar values.” And because men are… not always the best at all of those things, women are ditching them.
Once that risky text is sent, you can’t undo the damage.
The study clearly isn’t blaming women – it even says, “with so many options out there, why not [raise their standards]?”– but it does frame men as a victim of circumstance, as though women’s firm-but-fair standards have rendered men to be single forever. But these markers feel less like high standards and more like raising the bar for a good boyfriend out of hell and onto the ground.
Good communication, emotional intelligence, and availability are hardly strict criteria to help you find a great partner. They’re basic entry-level requirements for, well, being a grown-up. If you don’t possess them, something has gone very wrong.
That something is good old sexism. The same study says that men “need to address skill deficits to meet healthier relationship expectations,” and it’s refreshing that after so many years spent normalising dating men that feel more like an unfinished prototype than a fully realised person, their lack of personal skills is being officially addressed as a deficit.
“The problem for men is that emotional connection is the lifeblood of healthy, long-term love”, but emotional skills are not taught to young boys in families consistently. While young girls are groomed to play into heterosexual male standards from a young age, boys are rarely told to respect, let alone reach toward women.
Why are we still punishing surivors?
In a way, I feel bad for men. They’ve had centuries of misleading instructions. They’ve been told – for the longest time – that they can sit down and relax, and as long as they have some cash to keep the household, women will run at them from all directions like one of those old terrible Lynx ads. But a cultural shift has left heterosexual women wanting more from their relationships and, in turn, realising that men can’t always provide for them in the way they want. Now that we don’t need men to hunt and gather, and more need them to contribute to relationships emotionally, they don’t always deliver.
In Asa Seresin’s much-loved essay On Heteropessism, he describes how straight women or bisexual women who hold attraction to men are often embarrassed by their heterosexuality, framing it as something that has been inflicted on them – like an illness or a prison – and causes them distress.
Much like this new study and the cries of straights on social media exclaiming “heterosexuality sucks!” or “I hate men!” heteropessism generally focuses on men as the root of the problem. And sure, they have their issues, as we’ve mentioned. But the way heterosexuality is designed in itself is the real issue. As women have (very, very) slowly accumulated more rights and more footing in the world, men have been left behind. The typical idea of a heterosexual relationship that’s lauded over us – marriage, children, a cushy position on the property ladder – is more unattainable and unwanted.
What’s a line you just won’t cross?
Women are increasingly viewing the picket-fenced picture of heterosexuality as a trap and associating men with captivity. So, it’s unsurprising they’re raising their standards and asking for something more from men. They don’t necessarily want a husband; they want someone to hang out with who isn’t an arsehole.
That yearning mixing with heteropessism is something I recognise from my own life, as I only managed to find success in dating and finding a partner I truly loved and trusted to treat me equally when I stopped dating straight men and ran off into the sunset with a bisexual man.
Ultimately, men should take this as free advice and an open opportunity for self-improvement. This is their chance to level up their self-improvement, invest time and care into their mental health and revolutionise how their relationships look. Stop looking for a wife who will solve your problems and do your laundry and look for a real, genuine partnership – one that includes real love and equality. It might well be that men find they haven’t really enjoyed the gender norms and the expectations from dating either, and exploring non-traditional (read: equal) ways of dating and forming relationships with women could expose a much more suitable path that works for them.
Instead of feeling left behind by this cultural transformation, men can come along with us.
I wasn't just missing out on a Big Love; I was missing out on a Big Life.
