This article references rape, domestic abuse, and sex trafficking.
Survivors of abuse must often make an impossible choice. If they stay silent, people may ask, “Why didn't you report it?” But if they do report it, the same people inevitably ask, “What took you so long?” In each scenario, the survivor is automatically at fault. They're held accountable for the abuse they suffered – in lieu of the actual perpetrator.
We saw this play out last year when singer Cassie filed a major lawsuit against Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs, the founder of Bad Boy Records. In a 35-page filing, Cassie Ventura alleged that Combs trapped her in a “cycle of abuse, violence, and sex trafficking” over the course of their decade-long relationship. A representative for Combs described the allegations as “offensive and outrageous”, adding that they came after Cassie demanded $30m from the mogul.
Cassie and Combs ultimately settled the case out of court. But, as in many high-profile cases of abuse allegations, some took to social media asking, 'Why now?' While this is no longer an active case, it's worth considering how this online rhetoric harms potential survivors of domestic abuse more generally.
In the UK, police receive a domestic abuse-related call every 30 seconds, which sounds like a lot, right? However, estimates show that less than 24% of domestic abuse crimes are reported to the police (via Refuge). This paints an extremely worrying picture of the structural support pathways open to victims of domestic abuse (84% of whom are female). 1 in 4 women in England and Wales will experience domestic abuse in her lifetime, but in a society that constantly scrutinises victims, she has limited resources to report or speak up about it.
If you're reading this, you might feel genuinely confused about why victims don't name and shame abusive partners. So here are six (non-comprehensive) reasons why that isn't always possible:
1. It's dangerous
In many domestic abuse cases, the most dangerous time for the victim is when they choose to leave. This may go some way to explaining why it takes, on average, seven attempts before a woman is able to leave their abuser for good. When victims decide to leave – or speak out about – their abusive partners, they threaten the abuser's power and ability to control them. In 2018, 41% of women killed by a male partner/former partner in England, Wales and Northern Ireland had separated or taken steps to separate from them (Femicide Census).
You're not alone, and support is available.
2. It's legally fraught
Another common question that victims face is, ‘Why didn’t you just report it to the police?' And while the police should take all victims seriously, many women have lost trust in the police following reports of institutional misogyny and the high-profile arrests of Wayne Couzens and David Carrick.
And if a woman does report domestic abuse to the police, the process towards a trial and conviction is lengthy – and potentially re-traumatising. If you haven't seen Prima Facie, a play starring Jodie Comer and directed by Suzie Miller, I'd recommend it. It follows Tessa, a criminal defence barrister, who realises that the law is powerfully weighted against survivors when she reports her own rape.
If children are involved, the victim may also have to navigate the family courts, which many feminist campaigners argue can be used by perpetrators to continue exerting a pattern of coercive control over their ex-partners.
Even if the victim decides not to report the abuser to the police, they might still face legal repercussions if they choose to talk about their experience publicly. The abuser might take a leaf out of several high-profile celebrity civil cases and choose to sue their ex-partner for defamation or infringement of their privacy, further continuing the abuse.
Right now, 1,000 Metropolitan Police officers are currently suspended or on restricted duties with another 450 being investigated for historic allegations of sexual or domestic violence.
3. It's traumatic
Domestic abuse is inherently traumatic, meaning that some victims may experience post-traumatic stress disorder. Women who experience domestic abuse are twice as likely to experience depression, and it's estimated that around three women a week die by suicide as a result of domestic abuse (per Refuge).
As per a Women's Aid blog on the subject, “Victims have very limited freedom to make decisions in an abusive relationship, they are often traumatised, regularly told ‘you couldn’t manage on your own, you need me’. Fear is constant, and they live in a world of everyday terror.”
For some victims recovering from serious trauma, it can feel more important to focus on the internal healing process rather than seeking external justice – although obviously, the two are often interlinked.
4. It's isolating
Many perpetrators of domestic abuse intentionally isolate their partners from their family, friends, and any support networks. Per Women's Aid, “Isolation leads women to become extremely dependent on their controlling partner.”
In turn, this can seriously deter victims from seeking help and speaking up about their experiences, which makes it much harder to leave the relationship – let alone call out the perpetrator.
5. It's a logistical nightmare
Even if a victim knows they're in an abusive relationship and wants to leave, practical factors – such as children, housing, immigration status, etc. – can make it feel like a logistical impossibility. For example, during the Covid-19 lockdown, when there were more practical barriers to moving across the country, domestic abusers were able to “intensify or conceal their violence, coercion and control”, according to one report.
Will you sign our petition?
6. It's ‘not worth it’
The aforementioned reasons are a generalised snapshot of why victims don't come forward or name and shame their abusers. Given the complexities of each reason, it's deeply understandable that many victims think “it's just not worth it”.
But while myriad social and structural factors deter victims from coming forward, it's important to know you're not alone and support is available. There are brilliant charities, including Refuge, Women's Aid, and Rape Crisis, which can provide you with vital resources, services, and support to help you leave (and thrive after leaving) an abusive relationship.
GLAMOUR is campaigning for the government to introduce an Image-Based Abuse Bill in partnership with Jodie Campaigns, the End Violence Against Women Coalition, Not Your Porn, and Professor Clare McGlynn.
For more information about emotional abuse and domestic abuse, you can call The Freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge, on 0808 2000 247.
For more information about reporting and recovering from rape and sexual abuse, you can contact Rape Crisis on 0808 500 2222.
If you have been sexually assaulted, you can find your nearest Sexual Assault Referral Centre here. You can also find support at your local GP, voluntary organisations such as Rape Crisis, Women's Aid, and Victim Support, and you can report it to the police (if you choose) here.
For more from Glamour UK's Lucy Morgan, follow her on Instagram @lucyalexxandra.
The resources and helplines you need to know.
