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Love Island spoilers ahead.
When we talk about ‘the ick’, we tend to talk about getting it rather than giving it. Over the past few years, “I've got the ick!" has become a standard phrase in the world of dating — an easy, short form way to explain that feeling we all get when something cringes us out to the point of no return.
Most of us understand the ick to be a gut feeling that crops up due to something that seems fairly innocuous — perhaps a bad habit or an annoying comment. But once you've got the ick, it's become widely accepted that it's impossible to shake. Whether you can explain it or not, the other person has made you feel icky, and there's no going back. The relationship is doomed. As Urban Dictionary puts it, “you THINK you like them but then you suddenly catch 'The Ick'. From then on you can't look at the person in the same way, you just progressively get more and more turned off by them, weirdly & maybe for no reason in particular grossed out by them.”
According to relationship and dating expert Sophie Personne, the ick has become more prominent thanks to dating shows and social media. “The term has just become part of our culture, especially amongst younger people – but it’s also spreading to the older generations,” she says. “The nature of these shows, Married at First Sight or Love is Blind being two good examples, where couples don’t know what each other look like, means that there’s a higher likelihood of not finding the partner physically attractive. It reinforces the idea that certain behaviours will trigger the ick or be red flags.”
Many would connect the ubiquitous ick with the Love Island dictionary. Although the term was undoubtedly known and used before, it was Olivia Attwood who brought it firmly into public discourse during the 2017 series. “At the end of the day, when you're seeing a boy and you get ‘the ick’, it doesn't go. It's one of those things, once you've caught it, it takes over your body… it's just ick,” she said – and the rest is history.
In 2020, numerous women on Love Island proclaimed they had got the ick about their various partners. Leanne, for instance, was turned off by her partner's over attentiveness. “Now everything he does annoys me…” she said, “I wanted to catch feelings…” But, no, she caught the ick. Her fellow contestant Sophie wisely chimed in, “You can’t go back once you’ve got the ick." As GLAMOUR's Marie-Claire Chappet pointed out at the time, it seemed that women were more prone to catching the ick than men — perhaps because women are conditioned to distrust kindness and softness in men.
Another GLAMOUR writer posited that (straight) women have a sort of innate understanding of the ick – because it tends to crop up when we sense a red flag in a straight man. And yes, sometimes the signs may seem innocuous, but are, in fact, “valid and normal reasons to not want to date someone.”
Now, of course, the ick isn't only something we speak about with our girlfriends. It's become a label that's thrown around perhaps a bit too casually – case in point, on the most recent series of Love Island: All Stars, when Scott proclaimed India's comments towards him were “an ick” in front of the group during a game of ‘Suck and Blow’ (yes, Love Island is still as charming as ever).
The girls gasped – and India was crushed. It seems that while the ick may have become a normalised piece of dating culture, being the one accused of giving the ick hurts pretty deep. After all, no one wants to be called “icky", especially by the person they're dating. Scott, to his credit, repeatedly apologised, clearly realising that it had been hurtful.
“Because the ick is often a feeling rather than something logical, it can feel irrational – how can something seemingly small, like a mannerism, behaviour, voice, etc… be such a massive deal-breaker?” says Sophie. “Most people don’t necessarily see it coming and are left confused as to why they’re not deemed attractive.”
She adds: “It can also trigger some deep feelings of inadequacy, like being ‘too much’ or ‘not enough’. It’s never easy to be rejected, but even more so when it seems to be about something trivial.”
The ick has become so normalised, it can even now be used as a sort of a free pass — an excuse to ditch a relationship when it starts getting hard or complicated. It even inspired one of 2024's hit rom com shows, Nobody Wants This, during an episode when Kristen Bell's character Joanne decided she needed to break up with Adam Brody's ‘hot rabbi’ Noah – after he cringed her out with a jacket he wore to meet her parents. Yes, a jacket.
Interestingly, she got over the ick and made up with Noah – yes, it's fictional, but it still feels like hope – so, I ask, should we really be giving the ick so much power?
“I definitely feel we need to rethink our acceptance of the ick,” says Sophie. "It seems that it’s almost become fashionable – to the point where most people are actively looking out for deal-breakers rather than the positives about someone. Unfortunately, many people's expectations of what a real relationship should look like are based on fantasies and perception from books, movies, TV shows or social media, with the latter particularly not helping, as we unconsciously compare ourselves and our lives with what others want us to see – and may not be reality. A relationship takes time to build."
Perhaps, it's time we all slowed down on the whole ick thing and really evaluated why we're getting the ick in the first place. In some cases, it could stem from a real red flag. In other cases, though, it could be a sign that we are resistant to moving at the same pace as the other person. Instead of dismissing the problem as “the ick”, maybe what is really needed is open communication with the other person.
It’s okay to be a little preoccupied with your partner’s ex. But how you manage those insecurities makes all the difference.
Of course, there are times where the ick is unshakeable – but that's probably because it's not the ick, it's simply that a relationship is not working out. “Don’t get me wrong, if you’re not attracted to someone or don’t like them, walk away,” says Louise. “Just remember that it’s doing everyone a disservice – especially yourself – to not at least give it a go.”
Either way, maybe it's time we stopped throwing out ‘the ick’ as a flippant comment towards people we're romantically involved with (Scott, I'm looking at you). It's no longer harmless dating jargon – it's a painful insult that we've given far too much power.
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