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The idea of “warm sex” might initially be a turn-off. Sex should always be hot, right? The hotter, the better? After all, we are supposed to spice things up in the bedroom. We're encouraged to enjoy the steamiest sex scenes. But does the temperature really always need to be cranked up to 100 degrees for good sex? What if all our notions of “hot sex” are actually getting in the way of good sex?
Although we might be conditioned to think of “hot sex” as the pinnacle, many sex educators actually encourage taking the temperature down — just a tad. Though it may sound less exciting, “warm sex” is the apparently the latest — and the best — thing to try in the bedroom.
It's more than just a mood-booster.
What is warm sex?
A concept first introduced as part of the Sexological Bodywork healing system, warm sex is less heated and less frenzied than “hot sex”.
“'Warm sex' is about slowing down, connecting deeply and savouring every moment. It's not just about the physical act," explains Barbara Santini, psychologist and sex and relationships adviser at Peaches and Screams. “It is about nurturing emotional intimacy, which is the bedrock of any strong relationship.”
While hot sex tends to be fast and furious, warm sex is slower, more gentle and more mindful. It's less about chasing that climax, and more about simply existing with your partner. Think long, sleepy Sunday afternoon sex that lasts for hours — sex has room and time for talking and laughing and cuddling — sex that never lets you forget who you are doing it with and why.
What are the benefits of warm sex?
According to Santini, practicing this slower, more leisurely form of sex with your partner can benefit not only your relationship, but also you personal sense of wellbeing.
“I see it as a gentle balm for the soul, soothing anxieties and fostering a sense of security,” she says. “Warm sex can reduce stress, boost self-esteem and strengthen bonds.”
Ultimately, it can also deepen your pleasure and take it in new, unexpected directions.
“When we prioritise connection over quick gratification, we open ourselves up to a world of pleasure and fulfilment that goes far beyond the physical,” she says.
Plus, it's no great secret that slowing down tends to make sex better for women. In heterosexual relationships, there is still a notable orgasm gap — 61% of men say they orgasm every time they have sex, only 30% of women can say the same. (The Holiday is a great movie, but when Cameron Diaz said “foreplay is massively overrated,” women all over the world shuddered collectively.)
How to practice warm sex
Reframing your ideas about sex can take some time. It can be challenging, even confronting to start prioritising connection and intimacy during sex if you're used to getting hot and heavy in the bedroom.
Santini recommends setting the mood to help you and your partner feel safe as you slow down. "Dim the lights, light some candles, play soft music, anything that creates a serene atmosphere," she says.
As you begin, simply focus on exploring each other. Keep talking and try not to have any specific goals in mind.
“Slow down, focus on touch and communicate openly with your partner,” she says. “Share your desires, fantasies, and any insecurities. Vulnerability is key.”
Building warm sex into your sexual routine may take some getting used to — and it will probably look and feel different for every unique couple. “Remember, warm sex is a about exploring, experimenting, and discovering what works best for you and your partner," she says. “It's about embracing your unique desires and celebrating your bodies.”
