We all want to be seen, but we also really want to be heard. Alas though, we have all sat across from a friend at dinner and they have started scrolling on their phone whilst you were talking. Or, we have been on a date and the person hasn’t listened to a single word you have said because they are just monologuing non-stop about themselves. And if we do a little bit of soul searching, we have also been that person ourselves, too.
It’s no surprise our listening skills have gone down the toilet when you consider, according to studies, we now lose concentration after eight seconds, which brings our attention span below that of the notoriously inattentive goldfish which can concentrate for nine seconds. But we can be better than a goldfish, can’t we!
The Rory Gilmore effect.
It’s time to put a stop to our toxic listening habits and become an active listener so we can actually build connections and improve our wellbeing in the process too. But what does it mean to be a toxic listener? In my book, Great Chat: Talk to Anyone. Build New Connections. Improve Your Relationships — a self help book designed to turn you into a more confident communicator for the benefit of yourself and all the people in your life — I divide our toxic listening habits into these categories:
Selective Listening AKA Dad Listening. Sorry to all the dads out there but we all know you are guilty of this! This is listening with a metaphorical highlighter pen in your mind and only paying attention to things that are relevant to you. Let’s take this to a work situation…I am sure you can recall a time your boss came over to you to ask you to do something and they completely ignored the fact you just said you were overwhelmed. That’s selective listening at its finest.
CBA (Can’t Be Arsed Listening) is not giving who you are talking to your full attention. It’s getting distracted by the smallest thing or looking around them and not at them, like when you are at a party and you get distracted by someone fit. I have been there, but you need to remember you are going to look far more attractive and aloof to said fit person if you are locked into the conversation you are having already.
Me, me, me, listening is listening just to make the conversation about yourself. I am sure you can remember a time when you tried to share something with a pal and they have used it as an opportunity to talk about their own barely relatable experience. Eye roll.
Outright rude listening does what it says on the tin. It’s physically fidgeting by drumming your fingers on a table, tapping your feet or fiddling with your pen — all things that are a physical manifestation of a rude listener because it shows you aren’t registering a thing. This can also manifest verbally in people who routinely finish people’s sentences or interrupt when you are speaking. It’s beyond annoying isn’t it?
Nosey listening is eavesdropping on another, possibly juicer conversation, that is happening elsewhere whilst you are meant to be talking to someone else.
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If you have identified yourself in one of the above categories or know someone in your life who is guilty as changed we need to work on, or encourage others to work on becoming an active listener.
This is vital because we need to remember building a connection is an active, not a passive, process, and there is nothing that shows you care about someone or that you are open to connecting or boosting a connection more than truly and really listening without anticipating what they are going to say. So if you want to make actual connections on dates or network at work you need to work on trading toxic listening habits for active ones and it’s so much simpler than you think.
That’s neglecting a conversation by going on your phone. A study found that 89% of us used their phone during their most recent social interaction and 82% of people said it deteriorated the conversations they were in. Are you surprised? When you last went for dinner with a friend did you have your phone on the table? Yes? Was it turned over? Maybe! But even if it was, that is a visual distraction for you and a subliminal message to the person you are conversing with that the phone is more important to you than what is happening in front of you. So let’s make all social interactions a phone free zone — put them firmly away so they are out of sight and out of mind.
With your phone out of your hand you can reach out to someone and bring them into your space. It will allow you to non- verbally respond to the other person’s words and emotions, making you come across as a truly empathetic person. Make sure your body language is open, don't close yourself off by crossing your arms or having your body turned away from someone. You need to face them fully with an open body to show you are physically locked in and welcoming them into your space.
Sparingly share your experiences if someone is sharing with you and make sure if you are going to share your own stories they are relevant. In the same vein don’t offer unsolicited advice. If your friend needs to get something off their chest ask them, “do you want me to offer advice or just listen,” instead of offering advice without checking first.
Yes eye contact can feel overwhelming and awkward but it’s a proven fact that humans find other people more attractive when they make eye contact and direct eye contact decelerates your heart, so if you are feeling nervous on that date or that job interview it will calm you down. Doing this at work too means people are more inclined to build relationships with you when you look them in the eye. Finding this overwhelming? Here’s a trick I have learnt, focus on one eye, not two so you don’t get so overwhelmed and the person you are speaking with won’t know the difference.
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Before going to meet a friend, take a deep breath and try to shake off the day, or if you are talking to someone you disagree with, put your opinions on ice when someone is sharing so you can really listen. We all need to work at trying to understand each other and not shut ourselves off to other opinions. You might never agree but at least you might understand their viewpoint a little better or find out why they arrived at their opinion.
If someone keeps talking over you when you are speaking, call them out politely and calmly by saying, “I am sorry but what I am saying matters to me. I have given you the grace of listening to you, so please can you listen to me.” Any toxic listener will malfunction in this situation and be politely encouraged to actively listen.
The best news is, if you do all of these steps regularly you will become a certified active listener which will not only make you socially attractive it will turn listening into a mindful practice. I look at actively listening as mindful listening. It’s a self-help practice we should all partake in as it forces us to zone into the moment and cut out other distractions. Mindfulness is paying attention to, being open to and truly experiencing the present moment and we all want to be more present, don’t we? I personally have also found that if I am stressed about anything in my life, if I focus on a great chat with someone and on what they are saying, my anxieties and worries dissipate.
In a world where wellness practices can cost the earth, this is one practice that is totally free and you can practice it everyday. And if in doubt remember this: you have two ears and one mouth so let that be a visual reminder to listen twice as much as you talk.
