Emotional incest with your parents — it doesn't sound great, does it? But it's a surprisingly common dynamic — and, no, it isn't real incest. As poet Philip Larkin so eloquently put it, “They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do.” If you've had so much as one therapy session, (or, for that matter, spent more than five minutes scrolling on TikTok) you probably already know that there are plenty of ways a well-meaning parent can leave you with long-lasting quote-unquote “issues.”
Sometimes, parents treat their kids like they're the parents. Other times, parents treat their kids like they are also adults — instead of forming a healthy parent-child dynamic, this can lead to a toxic and confusing relationship that almost mirrors an adult relationship. It's something psychologists refer to as covert or emotional incest.
"Emotional incest is a form of emotional abuse (not physical or sexual abuse) that occurs between
parent (or primary care-giver) and child when the parent is not getting their emotional needs met or receiving the emotional support from a healthy adult relationship," explain Ariel Eversoll and her mother Theresa Ritcher of the mother-daughter coaching team Mother to Daughter Healing.
Psychologist Kenneth M Adams coined the term “covert incest” in the 1980s, which refers to “a type of enmeshment between a parent and child where boundaries get blurred resulting in unhealthy family dynamics,” she goes onto explain.
Why does emotional incest occur between parents and children?
This dynamic can emerge for a number of different reasons, but it almost always occurs when the parent isn't getting the support they need from an adult relationship, so they turn to their child to have those needs met.
“Emotional incest can happen in a single parent home due to divorce, separation or a death where the parent becomes emotionally dependent on their child to fill the role of the spouse, partner or friend,” Eversoll says. “It can even show up when both parents live under the same roof. If there is an emotional divide between parents, infidelity or loss of intimacy, one parent may seek from their child what they are not receiving from their partner.”
The dynamic always occurs between a parent and child and often between parent-child pairings of the opposite sex.
“However, emotional incest can exist within mother to daughter and father to son relationships,” adds Ritcher and Eversoll. “Having coached many individual women as well as mother-daughter pairs, we do see the emotional incest dynamic between mothers and daughters and it typically presents in two ways. The mother takes on the role of a friend or she is domineering towards her child, highly critical and emotionally abusive.”
It's important to note that this pattern is unconscious. “This parent-child relationship dysfunction is learned and passed down from generation to generation," the coaches explain. “The cycle will continue until someone is courageous enough to break the cycle.”
The Five Love Languages from Chapman's 1992 book are totally outdated 31 years on.
Why is emotional incest a harmful dynamic?
While it may be unconscious, emotional incest can take a serious toll.
“Emotional incest is harmful because it places an undue burden on the child. This dynamic forces the child into a position or role that they are not emotionally prepared for which has a negative impact on their mental and emotional development,” explain Eversoll and Ritcher. “Children who grow up with this type of parent-child relationship often feel guilt or shame for having their own needs, they develop a fragmented sense of self, lack self-worth, and struggle to connect with their peers. They also miss out on essential childhood experiences like play, exploration, and the freedom to discover who they are.”
As these children grow up, they can also find that the dynamic hinders their ability to form healthy relationships. It can create “confusion around their identity and can lead to anxiety, depression and even Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD).”
What are the signs of this dynamic?
In practice, emotional incest can take many forms. It commonly manifests as the all-too-recognisable “mamma's boy” dynamic. If you've ever dated a guy who seemed overly clingy with his mother — and whose mother seems overly possessive of him — you might have been dealing with a classic case of emotional incest. Think Trey, Charlotte's first husband in Sex and the City whose mother was ever-present and even sat with him while he was in the bath. Weird stuff.
But the dynamic doesn't always take this form. Here are some of the signs to look out for.
“Adult children may instinctively feel that something is off or doesn’t feel right within their parent-child relationship, but they can’t quite put their finger on it or they may not have the words to describe it,” says Eversoll. “When we say or hear the word ‘incest’, we get the ‘ick’ feeling. This is exactly how someone who’s had an emotionally incestuous relationship with their parent may feel.”
Here are some questions that parents and adult children can ask themselves to find out if emotional incest is a part of their parent-child dynamic.
Questions for parents to ask themselves:
1. Are you relying on your child to give you emotional support?
2. Are you sharing inappropriate or intimate details about your romantic life with your child?
3. Do you expect your child to forgo their activities to care for your needs?
4. Do you see your child as very mature and able to take on adult responsibilities?
5. Do you feel jealous when your child wants to go out with friends or has a romantic interest?
6. Do you give your child adult responsibilities that are creating worry and stress?
7. When your child expresses a need, do you dismiss them?
8. Do you try to control everything in your child’s life?
9. Do you see your child as an extension of yourself and prevent them from exploring their
interests or expressing their individuality?
10. Do you feel like your child is more like your friend rather than your child?
Questions for adult children to ask themselves:
1. Were your emotional needs unmet or neglected as a child?
2. Were you criticised, shamed or guilted for having your own needs?
3. Were you responsible for meeting your parent’s emotional needs as a child?
4. Did you take on adult responsibilities and feel like you lost your childhood?
5. As an adult, do you still feel the need to emotionally care for your parent?
6. Do you struggle to express your own emotional needs with others, especially within romantic relationships?
7. Do you struggle setting and holding boundaries?
8. Did you feel like a mediator between your parents or that you had to take sides?
9. Did your parent have inappropriate intimate conversations regarding romantic partners that
made you feel uncomfortable?
10. Did the relationship with your parent feel more like a friendship than a parent-child
relationship?
The Rory Gilmore effect.
How can you break out of an emotional incest pattern with your parents?
Unfortunately, it's not always an easy cycle to break.
“When emotional incest exists within the parent-child relationship, it can be extremely difficult to break free from this dynamic as an adult,” Ritcher says. “These patterns are wired into our subconscious and become our blueprint for operating in the world. When this type of enmeshment exists, it can feel like your trying to untangle a million different necklaces that have been so intertwined that you have no idea where to even start. It’s not impossible, but it can definitely feel like it.”
Here are some of Ritcher's tips:
- Distance yourself from the parent: We can’t heal in the same space that created the harm so
we need to remove ourselves from the relationship either temporarily or permanently in some
cases. - Reflect and journal: Start to introspect and become aware of the impact that this dynamic has
had on your life. We can’t change anything we aren’t aware of first. - Seek professional help from a therapist, counsellor or coach: This emotional abuse can create
severe emotional and psychological wounding that can create mental health disorders. - Find a community, friends or network of people to support you: We are relational beings and
heal in connection, so find your tribe that can help you in your healing journey. - Inner child work: Give yourself all of the things that you didn’t get from your parents as a child.
- Uncover who you really are: We often lose our identity when we are children and have to
work on rediscovering our authentic selves. - Set and hold boundaries: Setting boundaries is absolutely necessary to break free from this
dysfunctional parent-child dynamic. Boundaries keep us safe and outline what you are and are
not willing to accept.
She concludes: “The best way to break this toxic generational cycle and not pass it on to your own children is to decide that you will be the cycle breaker, take radical responsibility for yourself, break out of victim consciousness and do the deep inner healing work.”
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