Almost every woman has seen it – or lived it herself. You’re with a guy for years; he won’t commit, and then the very next person he dates suddenly becomes The One.
It’s a pattern so painfully relatable that it’s been the inspiration for rom-coms like Good Luck Chuck and even earned a catchy moniker in Sex and the City: the ‘Taxi Cab Theory’. In the show, Miranda breaks it down with a simple metaphor: “Men are like cabs,” she explains. “They wake up one day, and they decide they’re ready to settle down, have babies, whatever. Then they turn their light on. The next woman they pick up – boom – that’s the one they’ll marry.” By this logic, a man won’t ‘settle down’ unless he is ‘ready’ – no matter how perfect or compatible you are.
The theory resonated then, and it still does years later. But how much of the Taxi Cab Theory actually holds up in real life? While there’s some truth to it, relationship therapists say it’s far from the cartoonist version Miranda pessimistically points out. Here’s what actually could be happening when a man drags his feet for years – only to suddenly commit to the next woman.
Are men just waiting for the right time?
Most of us grow up believing that people will inherently want to marry their soulmate – all you have to do is find them first. But commitment rarely hinges on love alone. Timing matters too, and “people often need to get to a place of ‘psychological readiness’ before settling down in a relationship that could progress towards a family,” Nari Jeter, licensed couples therapist in Florida and cohost of The Coupled Podcast, says.
But being ready for something long-term often looks different for men and women, according to Jeter – in large part because of the gender norms ingrained in us by society. Consider how men, for instance, are encouraged to be the breadwinners and establish financial stability before getting married. (You can literally think of this as it plays out in old movies and books: A young man must convince his future father-in-law he’s suitable for his daughter despite coming from nothing.)
“Men have historically been socialised to prioritise their careers, their professions,” says Molly Burrets, a Los Angeles-based psychologist and adjunct professor at the University of Southern California’s Department of Marriage and Family Therapy. “They feel they’ve become ‘real adults’ only when they’re able to provide and create a steady, secure life for themselves and their families.”
Women, on the other hand, have long felt societal pressure to prioritise marriage, influenced by a ticking biological clock as well as the cultural capital placed on being good wives and mothers, above all else. And despite the fact that this is all changing in reality – the number of women who earn as much or more than their husbands has tripled over the past 50 years, according to Pew Research Centre – that internalised expectation still lingers. It’s also possible that women are more adept at prioritising romantic relationships alongside career and personal goals – rather than viewing it as a separate milestone to achieve later.
Through this perspective, the Taxi Cab Theory makes it easier to understand why a man might claim he can’t see a future with one person, only to quickly take that next step with another. Still, like most relationship ‘rules’, it oversimplifies the deeply personal process of figuring out who’s truly The One.
Let me DINK in peace.
What the Taxi Cab Theory misses
Whether you’re analysing your own past relationship or helping a friend decode theirs, it can be tempting to chalk a short-lived relationship or missed opportunity up to some neatly-packaged theory. But really, what seems like hardcore proof of the Taxi Cab Theory is more likely to be the result of other factors going on behind the scenes, both experts say.
Here are a few reasons why it might seem like this ‘perfect timing rule’ is at play – even though it isn’t.
- Their next relationship may simply be a better match. It might appear as if somebody “suddenly” became emotionally available. But another possibility to consider is that, maybe, “it might just be the case that their new partner is more compatible,” Jeter says, whether in terms of values, communication style or lifestyle. (That’s not an easy pill to swallow, but it’s often the truth.)
- It’s easy to rationalise heartbreak with a universal ‘rule.’ When a breakup is difficult to process – or the reason behind it isn’t clear – Dr Burrets says it’s a common coping mechanism to lean on neat, simplified explanations like the Taxi Cab Theory to make sense of something so blindsiding and complicated.
- A new partner can represent a clean slate and fresh chapter. It can offer a sense of mental clarity to settle down with someone new. “Even though past relationships can be remembered with fondness, new relationships bring the promise of new opportunities and fewer unresolved, lingering issues,” Jeter explains – which can sound appealing for anyone excited to move forward and embrace growth.
- Heartbreak can show people what they’ve been missing. Ironically, a breakup could be exactly what pushes someone to reflect, grow, and prepare for a long-term connection, Jeter says. Time spent alone can be an opportunity to work on communication, process unresolved commitment issues in therapy, or clarify must-haves and dealbreakers for the next relationship. By the time they enter a new relationship, then, it might seem like they ‘suddenly’ moved on – but in reality, their change of heart is the result of careful self-reflection.
Ultimately, people commit for a million little reasons: some that make perfect sense, and some you’ll just never be able to explain – not even with a catchy theory.
This article originally appeared on SELF.
