Author, actor and broadcaster, Samantha Renke stars in ITV’s new chat show, Unfiltered Women alongside, Fats Timbo and Jay Howard in which they discuss the realities of living in a Disabling world. Here Samantha explores the taboos that still exist around dating and disability and offers advice on how to be an ally and navigate sex and relationships.
Shocking as it might seem, Disabled and Neurodivergent people like sex; we like to date, some of us dream of the big fairytale wedding, parenthood and some of us even want to play the field as much as the next folk. We masturbate, we flirt, some of us are into weird and wonderful kinky shizzle and we can all hurt when we feel rejected.
You see, Disabled people are like, well, everyone really. We want the same things in life. We, like you, deserve love, respect and dignity. That’s not a cliché, just a straight-up, solid fact.
It doesn’t matter who we are, we all need human connection, some more than others. The bottom line is we all want to feel loved. Heard. Worthy. Worthy enough for another human being to notice us and see all the beauty we have to offer this world. A partner in crime, someone to create memories, share passions and smile with.
Yet, many Disabled people are often denied all of the above as we are repeatedly infantilised by the pre-disabled world. (Pre-disabled is a term used more frequently by Disabled people to identify that everyone will potentially become Disabled at one time in their lives and therefore it's less divisive than saying abled and disabled bodied.) Defined by our Disability or difference as though it is the only part of our identity.
Samantha Renke, Fats Timbo and Jay Howard will front the series.
Disability is steeped in harmful stereotypes and tropes which leads many to believe that our lives are comparable to a Greek tragedy or a life lesser than; a burden, not something one will wish upon themselves if they want to have a happy existence.
The truth is that, yes, having a condition or difference, visible or unseen, can be challenging at times but most of the barriers that come our way are external. The world simply isn’t designed for anyone who dares to deviate from what society sees as ‘normal’.
Sadly Disability is seldom synonymous with sexy, desirable or even worth investing in.
We rarely talk about disability and sexuality in the same sentence. We hardly ever see Disabled parents, lovers or pin ups on our television screens. It’s as though the world sees Disabled people as loveless.
Newsflash! We really aren’t!
There is no doubt that Disability can have a profound effect on your love/sex life. I am absolutely one of those Disabled people who have over the years struggled with self-acceptance, love and dating.
I was born with a condition called Osteogenesis Imperfecta - often referred to as brittle bones disease - essentially my body does not produce type one collagen. This means my bones and organs are weak. I am a full-time wheelchair user and have had hundreds of fractures throughout my life. As a baby I would be carried like a prized chihuahua on a cushion, too fragile to be cradled like babies would typically be (this fact often makes me chuckle, as I question where my feisty behaviour comes from.)
My dating repertoire goes a little something like this: I’ve been a one-night stand, a friend, but never a girlfriend. A fetish, a dirty little secret, a sexting partner, a phone sex collaborator, a drunk gay man’s curiosity fumble, a workplace flirtation, a curiosity fuck. Oh, and the recipient of many a ‘I think you’re great, but . . .’ I’ve been a target of predators, I’ve had my wheelchair turned into a weapon so someone could grope me, and I’ve been a distraction from someone’s stale relationship.
I’ve been all of these things, but I’ve never simply been someone’s number one. Sometimes, just sometimes, that makes me rather sad.
I spent most of my teenage years and truthfully my twenties and early thirties feeling so isolated when it came to relationships, intimacy and embracing my Disabled body. No one told me I could have kids, sex or be a partner to someone to be adored. I based so much of my self-worth hinged on the thought of needing another person’s approval or the want for affection. I turned down dates and hook ups with people I genuinely liked because I couldn’t find my voice in asking for a different way to date or have sex.
Even now, rejection – or simply the notion of it – terrifies me and it is absolutely my sticking point. I even question those individuals who ask me out or flirt with me. Why date me? Is this a joke? Are they screen-grabbing our conversations and laughing about the little disabled chick online?
I am however one Disabled person in approximately 1.3 billion Disabled people worldwide. Not all Disabled people feel or experience the same barriers I have when it comes to dating. Like most things in life the Disabled experience is subjective, non-binary and totally based on individual needs, circumstances and must always be viewed through the lens of local culture and country. That is not to say however, that we don’t all share common experiences when it comes to dating and sex.
So, here are my top tips when it comes to understanding, being compassionate and open to dating someone with a condition, difference or neurodivergence.
I appreciate the pandemic was far from a barrel of laughs however, what it did highlight was the power of thinking outside of the box to keep us all connected. Well, why not transfer some of those social skills because a lot of them actually benefited Disabled people hugely. For one, use the power of technology. In person meets can be tricky for many Disabled people. Did you know that life costs more when you are Disabled? According to a report this year by Scope, the Disability price tag is estimated at £1010 per month - that's the estimated extra cost per month compared to non-disabled households. So, bear that in mind when dating. I would have to spend so much money getting taxis to dates because I wasn’t able to use the poor public transport infrastructure. In the end I just fizzled out dating. There are so many ways to connect with someone. Facetime, in the gaming world, via text. Sure, an in-person meet should eventually happen but don’t see that as the only way to get to know one another.
This absolutely goes hand in hand with tip number one. I appreciate pre-empting the needs of Disabled people may seem like a mammoth task especially for a stranger you are going on a date with but honestly it doesn’t have to be a midfield. Take a little of the onus away from us and show that you can be compassionate in that moment. It can be as simple as finding an accessible venue with an accessible bathroom, step-free access or even an event that has relaxed screenings. Understand that certain conditions may mean we have to duck out of a date last minute, pain flare up or anxiety for example. This doesn’t mean we don’t like you or want to go on the date, but we equally need to listen to our bodies. Put us at ease by perhaps saying something like ‘Hey, please don’t worry if you need to change plans, I’m totally flexible and perhaps instead we can facetime etc’. Communication and relationships are a two-way street so pre-empting our needs just a little is a great way to share that responsibility.
Let’s get out of the habit of seeing sex as a binary act. You don’t need to have penetration to have a happy, exciting and fulfilling sex life. The number of times I’ve felt inadequate and worthless because I haven’t been able to have penetrative sex. Sometimes pain or not enough lube means I just can’t do the act. When this happens more often than not, I’m left feeling like I’m inadequate. I’ve literally had a guy get angry when I asked him to please use more lubrication. I wished someone had told me that sex comes in so many different guises. Touch, foreplay, toys, masturbation or massage all create pleasure and intimacy and can be done to work around individual needs.
It’s so important that we as friends, partners or simply good humans call out ableist BS when we see or hear it. Just the other week a group of lads walked past me, one stood close, pointed a finger at me and yelled back to his group ‘oi, lads would you fuck that?’ as though I was an inanimate non-human monster. The word ‘that’ cut like a knife but, truth is I was angrier at his friends for just accepting his behaviour. If you do date a Disabled person you may get friends or family making jokes or ableist remarks. Call it out.
Yup, it’s not rocket science. Whether you are Disabled or Neurodivergent yourself or are dating someone who is. Have fun. Remember dating and relationships can be awkward and uncomfortable irrespective of who we are. Our fears and concerns may differ, but our goal is the same. To find love.
Sex, relationships and dating are still challenging for me at times and I have a lot of trauma to heal from, therapy has helped immensely but also sharing my journey with other Disabled people too. I know that my experiences are not a Samantha problem and I am safe in the knowledge that I have my tribe to support and love me along the way.
All three episodes of Unfiltered Women are streaming now on ITVX
Samantha's book, You Are The Best Thing Since Sliced Bread is on sale now
Looking for free advice on love, sex and disability? Contact Enhance the UK
Samantha Renke, Fats Timbo and Jay Howard will front the series.
