Socialising during the holiday season is a rite of passage. Whether you love it, loathe it, thrive in it or are drained by it, you can’t avoid it. But there is a way to be socially attractive this season without having to sacrifice yourself.
What do I mean by ‘socially attractive’? It is being able to not just turn up feeling exhausted but show up as your best self, being interested and interesting so you can improve your relationships, build new ones and maybe even get a snog under the mistletoe.
Being socially attractive isn’t about going to anything and everything, it’s about being truly present in the moments when you do show up and building lasting impressions in the minds of others because you are truly present.
In the process, you could actually improve your mental health instead of finding yourself collapsing into a heap with a serious case of social exhaustion by mid December. Yes, socialising does benefit your mental health.
Work + presents + family + dinner = stress
Studies have long proven that socialising is a fundamental human need on par with sleeping and eating, and further research has shown we have fewer friends than we did 30 years ago - with close to half of Americans now reporting they have fewer than three friends.
So, if we want to improve our – and our collective – wellbeing, we need to invest in our communication skills especially in the most social season of the year. Why wait until January to work on your wellness and put new self development practices in place? We love self-gifting after all!
Here's how to nail the season of socialising, whether you are socially anxious or already a confident communicator, using tips taken from my self-help book: Great Chat: Seven Lessons for Better Conversations, Deeper Connections and Improved Wellbeing.
Turn small talk into big talk because, like presents, sometimes the best things come in small packages
So many of us say we hate small talk, and that’s because it can either be boring or awkward. But it doesn’t need to be. Besides, small talk is a social ritual so you need to accept it, get better at it, and you never know the big talks it could lead to.
Asking “what have you been up to lately?” will often get the same generic answer of “not a lot” or “I am just so busy and tired,” and stop the conversation before it’s started. Instead, add in keywords like ‘best’ and ‘exciting’. Ask: “what’s the most exciting thing that has happened to you recently?” This will make the other person think, will produce a far more interesting answer, and will open up a whole new topic of conversation.
Really stuck? Use the free information around you. At a friend’s party, ask the stranger next to you how they know the host. They know them from university? Then ask for their best university memory of your friend - it could be so juicy, what they studied and what they are doing now. See? That’s an entire conversation from one simple question that could lead to interesting avenues!
Make sure in turn you never give one word answers. “Fine” is never a response to “How are you?” You need to say, for instance: “I’m good, thank you for asking but I am going away for Christmas and I can’t wait.” That invites the other person to ask where you are going and allows a whole conversation about your plans, destinations and holidays to unfold.
Small talk changes like that are so much more effective than asking: “Met anyone nice lately?” or other personal questions like: “Are you going to get married soon?” or “Are you going to have a baby?” Those kinds of personal questions will get people’s backs up and not leave a positive impression.
Remember, in small talk you never have the right to anyone’s private life. You can’t go straight in with the deep questions, you need to warm them up and small talk is the way to do that. However, also remember that small talk is the starter course of conversations, don’t linger on it too long or the conversation will grind to a halt. You want to get to the turkey main course.
Think of every conversation like the best Boxing Day sandwich
If you get overwhelmed by socialising, it is usually because you can’t see where the beginning, the middle or the end will be. So start taking a structured plan into every conversation with you. I like to think of every great chat like a great (Boxing Day) sandwich.
You have the first slice which is your hellos and how are yous, and then your introductory small talk. That then allows you to get to the meaty (or meat-alternative) filling of your chat sandwich, which could be the gossip from the office Christmas party or the lowdown about life.
The final slice is the wrapping up of the conversation and the goodbyes. When you start thinking of every conversation like this, it is far less overwhelming and it reminds you that although you really are in this sandwich for the filling, you can’t get to or have that delicious centre of the chat without ensuring you have warmed them up, created an amazing first impression, and left them with a lasting impression.
How to navigate awkward chats without getting your tinsel in a twist
Being around family at Christmas can bring up a lot of awkward conversations around your single status, your body image - you name it! So set your boundaries. If someone asks you an inappropriate question, say: “I don’t feel comfortable chatting about that, but I would love to talk to you about *enter completely different topic of your choosing here*.”
It keeps the conversation going, whilst reminding yourself and others to respect your boundaries. If you also find yourself in a heated debate with any friends or family, ensure it is always a two-way conversation, listen to them, and ensure they do the same for you. If they don’t, calmly say: “I am sorry but you are interrupting me and what I want to say is important to me. I have listened to you and I would appreciate it if you could do the same.”
It’s all about respect, so keep you cool, breathe, and never raise your voice. You might never find common ground in these situations, but you can start to alter their opinions or at least give them something to think about. After all, it is the season for giving and receiving. You might even receive new information which gives you a greater understanding of them or the world.
From that one auntie who keeps pressing about your love life, to your prodigal sibling who hasn’t lifted a finger all year.
Look after your social battery without burning out
Instead of thinking of yourself as an introvert or extrovert and planning your social calendar accordingly, think about yourself as an individual. What kinds of social situations or specific people drain or charge your social battery? Once you do that, you can start planning your energy and plans accordingly.
If, for instance, you find the office Christmas party draining, block out some ‘social black-out periods’ the day or night before so you are charged up and ready to face it. Or, if you are filling your calendar with seeing every single acquaintance and not the friends who really fuel you, politely cancel them and see the people that really give you life instead.
Socialising at this time is a marathon not a sprint, and if you start looking after your energy you will not only have the energy for the things that give you life, you will have energy to face the things that can drain you too (like Aunt Shirley's annual and compulsory mulled wine soirée) and not feel like you are having a social comedown afterwards.
According to psychologists, alcohol can affect people in entirely different ways.
There is an art to cancelling
If you didn’t have the heart to say no when you were first asked to do something, don’t beat yourself up. Cancel it but be honest; don’t fabricate an elaborate excuse. Instead, say: “I am really sorry to cancel but I am worn out.” We need to normalise having conversations about exhaustion and respect people’s social batteries and boundaries.
Your friends will prefer that you show up as your full amazing self, not a husk of a person they have to drag through the social occasion. But don’t start cancelling just because it’s easier than showing up, be honest with yourself, too. If you aren’t an incubus of viral plague or socially exhausted: go. You need to push yourself out of your comfort zone, it could be the greatest gift you give to yourself this year. You never know who you are going to meet.
How to exit the chat without causing a scene or ending up on the naughty list
Raise your hand if you live in fear of getting out of a conversation? It can feel like navigating the minefield of Boxing Day sales, but it doesn’t need to be. If you are at a party and the conversation you are having has run its, course say: “It’s been so great speaking with you, I loved hearing about *enter something memorable from your conversation so it shows you were listening* but I promised myself I would speak to two other people tonight”. Or add onto the end: “I need to go but I just need to say hi to the host first.” That way, you can gracefully leave the conversation with zero guilt and leave a lasting, positive impression. Just don’t ever say “I am going to go now,” and still be at the party two hours later.
Asking for a friend.
Put your phone away: gift people your face and your time, not your screen time
Take your phone off the table. Even if it’s turned over, it tells the people around you “I am more interested in my phone and my life outside of this conversation than the conversation happening in front of me.”
At a party and have it in your hand? Put it away. At a loose end in a social gathering? Resist the urge to go on your phone so you remain open to any conversation or person that could come your way. People are more likely to talk to you when you aren’t on your phone, as your body language shows you are open and willing to chat. You showed up, now show your face not the back of your phone - even if your phone case is a conversation starter.
Asking questions and listening is the greatest gift you can give
Truly actively listening to people is the greatest gift you can give this season. It shows people you care. You can do this by maintaining eye contact, not interrupting, using reassuring words like “I see” and “I understand” to show you are engaged and maintaining open positive body language.
Then ask questions about the information you have just heard. People want to feel like they matter and what they are saying is important to you and they will in turn give you the same gift. You will have the energy to do this now you have learnt to look after your social battery, too.
For more tips to improve your social life, get Josh’s book, Great Chat: Seven Lessons for Better Conversations, Deeper Connections and Improved Wellbeing in hardback, audio and digital here.
