It's no secret that sex education within the UK curriculum is sparse. Often, we’re offered no more than a couple of hours, skating over the basics of our anatomy and contraception, followed by uncomfortable laughter as we collide condoms and bananas.
For context, since September 2020, Relationships Education has been compulsory for all pupils receiving primary education, as is Relationships and Sex Education (RSE) for secondary school students, the latter honing in on basic first aid, consent and internet safety.
The result? 46% of adults failing basic sex ed questions when quizzed as part of a recent study by Asda Online Doctor, resulting in sexually transmitted infections (STIs), such as chlamydia, super gonorrhea, plus permanent-yet-super-managable conditions such as herpes, continuing to hike. Oh, and the subject of pleasure? Almost entirely skipped.
All too often, this dispassionate walk through a PowerPoint comes heavily laden with shame or persistent taboos: ‘Sex should be between one man and one woman who are in love’ or ‘sex is only for those ready and willing to become a parent'.
But another overlooked side effect of a single GCSE biology module dedicated to the subject? The chronic disappointment, confusion and shock felt by so many first-timers — thoughts and feelings which may influence their attitude towards the physical side of connection for good.
Case in point: A recent thread which asked people with vulvas to disclose the thing about sex that they learnt the hard way, which prompted more than 1.7k replies.
Threads content
"It’s always great to see people having open, honest discussions about sex, but it’s frustrating that so many people’s advice seems to stem from bad experiences that could have been prevented," says Milly Evans, sex educator, content creator and author of HONEST: Everything They Don't Tell You About Sex, Relationships and Bodies.
“Relationships and Sex Education (RSE) has only recently been made mandatory in schools, but that means most adults won’t have received comprehensive, inclusive sex ed — particularly sex ed that’s relevant for a digital world.”
Evans also details that the media doesn't do a great job of highlighting the realities of physical interactions, too, often entirely avoiding the subject of pain or contraception.
One such confession: “Pain isn‘t normal. Your partner ignoring your pain [is] neither.”
It’s officially known as dyspareunia and should not be considered a normal part of sex. While it can be nothing to worry about, and merely a signal you may need to spend more time on foreplay, it can sometimes be a signal for something else — vaginal infections (yeast or bacterial vaginosis), vaginismus, atrophy or anxiety.
A recent-ish (2017) study found that painful sex is reported by a sizeable minority of women in Britain — we’re talking one in ten. And while those in their late 50s and early 60s are most likely to be affected, it’s those aged 16 to 24 who are impacted most often next.
“I’m particularly glad we’re having a conversation about painful sex and the right to pleasure because these things can be difficult to talk about,” continues Evans. "Everyone deserves a safe, healthy, enjoyable sex life if they want one.
“Painful sex has become normalised because unfortunately it’s really common — around 3 in 4 people with vaginas experience painful sex at some point in their lives.”
Another shared revelation worth noting? “Never fake an orgasm, let them know they suck at it.”
Ideally, in gentler terms than ‘you suck’. No one likes having their performance critiqued. However, from constructive criticism comes progress — and trust. Yep, discussing your sexual wants, needs, and desires has often been cited by relationship experts as one route to greater intimacy and connection outside of physical touch.
“Foreplay starts way before any sexual activity occurs.”
Straight up fact — and that doesn’t have to be sexting or sexually-charged glances. No one feels sexier than when they are seen, heard and respected. So, ask them about their day, pull them in for an unexpected cuddle and clear the kitchen if you know it’s the sort of thing that’ll inch them closer to frustration.
No Diaz, foreplay is not overrated.
“A man finishing on your face is a form of disrespect.”
Arguably, this one comes down to personal preference, as some enjoy (physical) domination. However, this action has also been linked with pornography — specifically, transactional penis-in-vagina films which lack any of the realities of intercourse: performance anxiety, pain, or even verbal communications of consent.
Looking to get off to something that empowers, pays fairly and is respectful? We've got you.
“Giving a man your body because you love him doesn’t make him love you in return.”
Granted, this likely isn’t the sort of thing a newly-qualified teacher will cover with the help of a PowerPoint. It’s likely advice given by an older sister or experienced friend. And, arguably, having open, honest conversations about sex in school may prompt a willingness to discuss it with a trusted adult outside of that scenario, too.
Evans continues: “Other than practical and health-related sex ed, this thread highlights the importance of self-esteem, healthy boundaries and communication, which I think are key to a great sex life. If we want to get better at advocating for ourselves and asking for what we want in the bedroom, we’ve got to start with knowing that we’re worthy of respect and having our needs met.” Essentially, we're sick of the fact that 8.1k can relate to the comment: “The fantasy is almost always better than the real thing.”
It’s time to take the guesswork (and the gaslighting) out of reproductive health.
But Evans also makes it clear that these open discussions aren't the place to top up what you learnt at school. "When it comes to crowd-sourced sex and dating advice online, be really wary about taking advice from strangers. Whilst many people are well-meaning, there’s a lot of misinformation out there, and everyone’s going to have their own perspective informed by their lived experience, education and cultural biases like purity culture and shame.
Take advice like this with a pinch of salt and remember to only take what’s useful to you and leave what isn’t.”
Where to look if you're seeking advice on sex:
- SH:24 — A free online sexual health service, delivered in partnership with the NHS.
- Brook — A national charity offering sexual health services, education and training.
- Sexual Health London — A discreet sexual health service for Londoners.
- Terrence Higgins Trust — UK's leading HIV and sexual health charity. Its goal? To end new HIV transmissions in the UK by 2030.
- Brighton Sexual Health — Answers common FAQs clearly and concisely
