Be honest – do you avoid phone conversations? How many times have you received a call from an unsaved number and done the ‘adult thing' by not answering, Googling the number first or saving the number and checking who it was via their Whatsapp profile before answering? How often do you see your friend – or even boss – calling you, and opting to send a “just on a Zoom at the moment, all ok?” message instead of answering? Guilty on every count? Thought so – we've all done it.
The art of conversation is declining everywhere. We would rather send a string of Whatsapps than meet face-to-face, or pick up the phone. Now, a quarter of 18-34 year-olds claim to have never answered their phone. Why? More than half of us associate phone calls with bad news and we prefer scheduled conversations on our own terms when we are prepared for what to say, according to the survey.
But as we send more and more messages each year – 1.3 trillion online messages and 36 billion text messages, in fact – let me ask you this: do you really feel connected with the people in your life? If you don't, you aren’t alone. We statistically have fewer friends than we did 30 years ago, with one in four adults now report feeling lonely and a 25.6% increase in anxiety disorders. But there is one thing that can help… talking.
Talking is as important to our wellbeing as sleeping and eating – which is why I literally wrote a book about it. It’s about bringing back the art of conversation, turning it into a self help practice and making you a more empowered communicator – not only for your wellbeing but so you can create connections in your life, and build the life you want. And picking up that phone is a great place to start – especially if you are more nervous about face-to-face communication.
How this mindfulness technique helped me cope with anxiety.
Whilst face-to-face communication is the golden ticket to connection and improving our wellbeing, it’s not always possible – especially at work. In a post lockdown world, we don’t see our colleagues in the same ways we used to – and hybrid working means we are spread out. Listen up, Gen Z: phone conversations are the way to connect in these situations. By not picking up your phone, you're missing out by not connecting with your boss or co-worker who might be of a different age to you. Only 1% of 35-54 year olds prioritise text over calls.
One in five Gen Z workers haven’t had a conservation in their workplace over the last year with someone over the age of 50, according to data from LinkedIn. But if you want to really get ahead and win over your bosses, you have to adapt and push yourself to embrace their favoured way of communicating. Yes, it might feel more comfortable and easier to construct a voice note which you can re-record ten times, but it isn’t benefiting you. Plus, a great conversation can actually help with your wellbeing and alleviate some anxieties.
Yes, messages might seem efficient in terms of time – but phone calls are more efficient in the long term, for your own long term prospects. Plus, when less people in the workplace are doing it, it will make you memorable. During a phone call, you can pick up on so many things that might get lost in translation via text – like picking up on sarcasm, anger or happiness about a certain situation or idea – and you can listen to responses in real time. Unless you're face-to face, you can't get that unfiltered reaction anywhere else.
Picking up the phone is truly a more time effective mode of communication – and aren’t we all constantly thinking or talking about how busy we are? We would rather message back and forth on dating apps for weeks on end than brave picking up the phone to hear if there is a real connection. We would rather send passive aggressive messages to our friends than deal with a problem head on. Or we would rather spend hours drafting a carefully constructive email at work – which is only going to be deemed ‘passive aggressive’ – than pick up that phone.
We're designed to be in communication with each other – it's good for us. Vocal communication has scientifically been proven to build stronger connections with people and even though you may think calls are more awkward, researchers have found that phone calls leave people feeling more connected.
It’s also important to consider the fact that traditionally, we meet friends, lovers or even foes through work and careers – but today, around 42% of UK employees say they don’t feel a connection to their colleagues. Sadly, 25% don’t think they have a friend at work. And a lower feeling of belonging means you are 80% more likely to quit your job, too. So if you really want to invest in your job and win people over at work, phone calls are the place to start building (or rebuilding) work-based connections. Here's how you can embrace the art of the phone call for your own good…
How to have meaningful phone conversations at work
I think of every conversation like a great sandwich – it’s not just about what you say, it’s how you sandwich it. In any conversation, you're there for the filling – the main topic, the DMC, the gossip – but you can’t have the filling without the two slices of bread on either side.
The first slice is the friendly hello – people are drawn to warm voices, so keep your tone upbeat; ask someone how they are (and really listen to their response) and don't skip the small talk about their weekend. All of this creates a great first impression which will encourage you and the person to open up more. After the filling (whatever the topic of the phone call is) comes the last slice – the warm goodbyes and nailing an exit strategy. This can be why many of us get nervous about a phone call in the first place. So go in with a game plan, set a time limit in your head and leave on a warm and friendly goodbye. "It was great chatting with you, I have to get on with X project now,” always works. It shows you enjoyed the conversation and wraps it up at a point where no one is bored – and you feel comfortable.
A recent joint study from the University of Sussex and the University of Pennsylvania showed that if you are socially anxious, regularly approaching new people over the course of just one week will start to alleviate your fears of chatting. So when it comes to phone calls, start challenging yourself – do one short one today, try a slightly longer one the next and before you know it you will have overcome the fear. It’s like a muscle you need to exercise.
If you're the one picking up the phone, put all your key points down and move through them methodically. Equally, taking notes as you go through will force you to focus on what they are saying – and you will have your follow up points ready to go.
People want to feel like they matter – that you care and you aren’t just conversing with them to get someone from them. Start with asking about them, how they are and what has been going on with them before going straight in. It helps to build a connection.
Everyone gets nervous to talk at one point or another. It’s normal. But if you keep telling yourself you hate phone calls, you will believe it. Our subconscious doesn’t know the difference between truth and a lie. So start telling yourself some of my chat-irmations like: “I am confident, I love phone calls,” and “people like me and I have valuable things to say and this conversation is no different.” Over time, you will really start to believe it.
You need to respect the space of others by letting them speak, and not jumping in to interrupt their flow. Any time you feel the need to interrupt, just say, “I see,” or “I understand,” which shows you are listening, too. If someone is talking over you, just politely say, “I'm so sorry, would you mind just letting me finish before I lose my train of thought?” Every conversation should feel balanced – so make sure you respect people’s time and make sure they respect yours.
You can't passively sit there and expect to be able to take in everything someone says. You need to actively listen, which means not going on your laptop during the conversation and sitting somewhere without distractions so you can focus on what they are saying. You'll learn far more, and it will make the conversation more enriched.
Embrace imperfection. Yes, you might be nervous to take a phone call – and yes, you might not always say the right thing, but it’s better to have tried than not to have bothered or wasted your time typing back and forth.
The true success in life is building connections in all aspects of life, so start to put some positive steps in place by picking up the phone. I promise it will be life changing – for you and your career.
Josh Smith’s book, Great Chat: Seven Lessons for Better Conversations, Deeper Connections and Improved Wellbeing is out now.
