Sex on screen – and how we portray it – has never been more important. At least, that's what intimacy co-ordinator for the stars Ita O'Brien says.
After working on TV and movie projects such as Normal People, I May Destroy You and Sex Education – all groundbreaking in their portrayal of sex on screen – she has taken all that she has learnt and taught on set and written her own book, Intimacy.
As well as recalling key elements of choreographing sex scenes, it asks us all to build said intimacy with our own bodies, in order to build better community and sexual connections with others and ourselves. It even includes handy exercises for aligning more deeply with our bodies and sexuality, as well as diagrams depicting the realities of female arousal.
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In early 2017, Ita wrote the Intimacy On Set guidelines, which give industry-standard instructions on handling intimate scenes and nudity in stage, film and TV performances. The huge wave of #MeToo sexual harassment and abuse allegations later that year soon led to a demand and increase for intimacy co-ordinators on set, in order to safeguard vulnerable actors and set members, ensuring filming sex scenes weren't exploitative. Ita's guidelines are still used industry wide to this day.
She has also supported Florence Pugh during her birthing scene in a petrol station toilet in We Live In Time as well as working on the sets of some of the most exciting films to come out this year, including Hot Milk starring Fiona Shaw and Emma Mackey – which includes a rather steamy queer sex scene featuring the latter – and The Roses, starring Olivia Coleman and Benedict Cumberbatch.
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“There are different types of intimacy: physical, sexual, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and experiential,” Ita tells me, adding that all can lead to sex, but can all also lead to other types of connection.
In the aftermath of so many women speaking out about abusive experiences in the entertainment industry and beyond – with stories still being uncovered and told to this day – the protection of young women feels paramount, and speaks to a wider cultural change when it comes to discomfort and power dynamics on a film set.
“The male gaze is not bad in itself, but what is distorting is when it's just the unconscious default,” Ita says. “What we really do need to bring in is a female gaze, and a woman's lived life and experience from a female perspective.” She stresses, though, that her work and support is for everyone on set. “It's as much for men as for women,” Ita says. “Actually, just recently on set, a woman was calling their boundaries and it was the man [in an intimate scene] who was more vulnerable.”
The Hollywood reaction to the increased use of intimacy co-ordinators in the industry has been on the large positive, but some women have spoken out about not wanting to use them, or not needing them.
Gwyneth Paltrow faced criticism for suggesting she'd feel “stifled” by sex scene choreography. While performing intimate scenes with Timothée Chalamet for upcoming film Marty Supreme, she recalls telling the intimacy co-ordinator on set “‘Girl, I’m from the era where you get naked, you get in bed, the camera’s on.’ ”
Jennifer Aniston has given a similar attitude about being from a different generation that makes her exempt from the benefits of ICs when talking about her sex scene with Jon Hamm on The Morning Show. “They asked us if we wanted an intimacy coordinator. I’m from the olden days, so I was like, ‘What does that mean?’ They said, ‘Where someone asks you if you’re OK,’ and I’m like, ‘Please, this is awkward enough!’ We’re seasoned – we can figure this one out." Mikey Madison also faced backlash for declining an intimacy co-ordinator for the Oscar hit and sex-heavy Anora.
Intimacy co-ordinator Lauren Kiele DeLeon pointed out that this decision was made with only what Mikey felt she needed in mind, not the rest of the people on set. “We’re hearing from the people who have the most power on this set, but they can’t speak for how every extra felt on the film," she said.
Ita agrees. “The work is about supporting everybody,” she says. "We're there also to protect everybody in the crew, as well as the cast… If there's something that's happening that might be activating for somebody, we work with them, putting out a disclaimer, checking out with the producers, and working out what support [everyone has] regarding counselling.” So by declining this support, these A-List actors could well be depriving a vulnerable member of the film's set and team of support.
Above all, an intimacy co-ordinator is responsible for providing support to the emotional and psychological wellbeing of everyone on set. Their role is about so much more than choreographing sex scenes. “If someone's an executive producer, and a number one cast, they're actually quite empowered. They have an autonomy,” Ita explains. “What we're there to do is to support everybody with the different levels of how they need supporting. That takes skill.”
Actors such as Jane Fonda, Sydney Sweeney and Michaela Coel have spoken out in support of intimacy co-ordinators. In her BAFTA award acceptance speech for I May Destroy You, Michaela even dedicated her award to Ita, thanking her for her “existence in our industry". “I know what it’s like to shoot without an intimacy director. The messy, embarrassing feeling for the crew," she said. "The internal devastation for the actor. Your direction was essential to my show, and I believe essential for every production company that wants to make work exploring themes of consent.”
Together, Ita and Michaela depicted stealthing (removing one's condom during sex without the knowledge and consent of a partner) and period sex on screen. Ita's earlier work on 2019's Gentleman Jack was also lauded for its representation of lesbian sex scenes. “I had so many people from the queer female community [tell me], ‘Thank you for the first time that we feel seen.’ That's what really matters to me,” she says.
What makes an authentic sex scene?
Ita: When intimate content is dishonest or disconnected, the audience senses it. It pulls them out of the story. To make an authentic sex scene, we start with the story. What is this moment telling us about the characters? How is it moving the narrative forward? What are the emotional beats, not just the physical ones? Then, we can choreograph the scene with precision and care, using anatomically informed movement and clear agreements. That way, the physicality becomes aligned with the truth of the moment. It’s not about titillation for its own sake. It’s about storytelling.
Most importantly, the actors feel safe and empowered in delivering those performances. That’s the magic of authentic intimacy on screen.
Why do the sex scenes that we see on screen matter, in terms of representation?
Ita: If the intimate content we see is unrealistic, separated from its emotional narrative, then it's telling us a lie about ourselves. It's making us less honest, less open. It's in danger of making us behave in ways that are destructive to ourselves, and our relationships. But if what we see is complex and truthful, the entertainment industry can help society understand itself better.
How have you seen the conception and attitudes towards consent change in your career, on and off screen?
Ita: Over the course of my career, I’ve witnessed an extraordinary cultural shift in how we understand and value consent — not just on screen, but within society at large.
In the 1970s and 80s, the industry, like so many institutions, was deeply entrenched in patriarchal structures. There was a normalisation of power imbalances and a prevailing attitude that certain behaviours — often exploitative — were simply part of the job. In the 1990s, we began to see the first significant cracks in that veneer. Then, of course, came the Weinstein revelations and the subsequent rise of the #MeToo and Time’s Up movements. These catalysed a long-overdue conversation within the entertainment industry. People could no longer look away. There was a collective recognition that complicity, turning a blind eye, was no longer acceptable.
I May Destroy You – which I worked on – didn’t just portray consent; it interrogated it, showing how messy, layered, and human it can be. It was a privilege to support that vision as an intimacy coordinator.
We have seen other cultural movements, like Black Lives Matter in the wake of George Floyd’s death, pushing us all to reckon more deeply with issues of power, equity and justice. Now, agreement and consent are no longer "nice to have", they are the foundation of best practice. The industry has come to see that professionalism includes looking after our people. When an actor says “no,” we don’t see that as a problem, we understand it as part of the process where they are invited to voice their requirements, claiming their space and autonomy. That’s something to be respected, not overridden.
How does the importance of sex education fit into your work as an intimacy co-ordinator?
Ita: Sex education is foundational to this work. What we see on screen, whether we realise it or not, shapes how we understand relationships, desire and intimacy. For many people, especially young people, the stories they watch become their primary sex education. When those stories are grounded in shame, objectification or fantasy devoid of consent, they do real damage.
If the only place people are learning about sex is through pornography, we’re missing the opportunity to communicate about sensuality, emotional connection and mutual respect. Porn isn’t inherently bad, but it’s not designed to teach us about care, or communication, or how to be in a relationship with another human being.
That’s why I believe we have a responsibility as storytellers. We have to reflect not just what is titillating, but what is truthful. That includes the awkward moments, the negotiations, the asking and checking in. The intimacy. Because when we depict those things with honesty and integrity, it gives people permission to do the same in their own lives.
Intimacy: A Field Guide to Finding Connection and Feeling Your Deep Desires is out now.
