My brain, hereafter affectionately referred to as Brain, is very loud, overbearing and annoying. She’s constantly wittering on about stuff I don’t have any interest in thinking about and butting in as I try to get on with my day-to day-life. Some days she is much louder than others, and some days I can drown her out a bit better – usually when I’m doing things I get pleasure from, like listening to music or watching a really gripping film.
Sex? Very sadly, sex is not one of those times. I really thought it would be the ultimate Brain silencer, but for some reason, she just gets louder and louder in intimate moments. Thankfully she’s not ruined sex for me, but I do have to put up with her shouting over and over in my head, which is incredibly distracting when the whole point of sex is to very much be in the moment. You need laser focus for the ending to be a happy one.
I’ve come to the conclusion that Brain is the loudest when she feels intimidated, not skilled enough, self-conscious or aware that complete concentration is needed. Given that sex makes Brain feel all of these things, it’s no surprise that her monologue goes a little like this:
Are we supposed to be moving around more? Or moving around less?
Is he rubbing our inner thigh? Does he know that’s our inner thigh
I think we’re going to get friction burn, maybe we should move his hand.
Oh, ok, did you just kiss his ear?
Is it hygienic to kiss ears? I wonder when he last washed his ears properly. I bet no one cleans behind their ears as much as they should.
Just making a mental note to give our ears a really good scrub next time we’re in the shower. We should buy a new loofah too! A blue one would be fun.
I think we should be making some noises now. It’s a bit creepy that we’re just laying here breathing into his neck. It’s awkwardly quiet. Oh, what’s that? You want me to shut up? I just thought that if you’re not making outward noises, I should make inward noises instead?
Ok, I’ll be quiet now. ...
I don’t want to alarm you, but there’s a massive cobweb in the corner of our bedroom and I can’t see the spider.
Oh no, do you think the spider is in the bed with us?
He’s really sweating, is it normal for him to be sweating this much?
Oh my god, imagine if the spider climbed inside our vagina and laid its eggs in us? Would we technically be the mum when we give birth to the little spider babies?
I think his sweat is going to make our face spotty. You should wipe it off our cheek. We don’t need any new spots to appear and ruin our weekend plans.
Woah! Steady on, sir, does he know he’s diving for our arsehole?
No, he’s just confused. Two holes. They only have one! Definitely confusing for them.
He wants us to go on top, doesn’t he? I hate going on top. Moan more! He won’t want to ruin our experience! We’ll be embarrassingly out of breath if we change positions.
Did he just ask us to call him daddy? I don’t think we should do that. It feels a bit odd. We’d never be able to look our dad in the eye again. Call him by his actual name.
Oh shit, we never did our laundry! We really need those cream trousers for tomorrow. I reckon if we put the washing machine on after this they’ll still dry in time.
Woah, this is a new position! I think we need to pee.
Maybe we could put the trousers on the radiator? If we put the washing machine on straight after this then we can put the heating on to dry them and they’ll be dry just in time for morning.
We definitely need to piss!
Wait . . . Is he trying to get us to queef?
Wait, why is he pulling out? We’re not finished yet.
How selfish of him to finish so quickly! We did so much work laying there so nicely.
Oops, someone moved too quickly! There she is! There’s that queen of the vagina, queef, making her exit. Wow, what a symphony!
Well . . . We better go pop those trousers in the wash now.
How to enjoy sex as a grown-up:
When you’re in high school, losing your virginity is considered to be the coolest, sexiest thing you can do. It’s an odd thing to be obsessed with losing, and we’re somehow all brainwashed into believing it’s the single most important thing that any human can do. How can we possibly become adults if we’re still equipped with our ‘intact cherries’?
I lost my virginity when I was 16, which I find odd now, because when I look at 16- year-olds today, they look far too young to be doing anything like that. It was an experience no one prepared me for. There I was, thinking it’d all be birds singing, harps playing, and I’d be wrapped in delicate silk linens, feeling euphoric. In reality, it was quite shit. I was tipsy off one Smirnoff Ice that I had for Dutch courage. It wasn’t with a boyfriend but with a good friend of mine, and it fucking hurt. I couldn’t understand what all the fuss was about, and why people kept telling me it was the most magical thing they had ever experienced.
The most magical thing I had ever experienced was when I was at Disney World and one of the people who worked there let me and my family ride The Tower of Terror twice in a row. This? This was like riding the teacups at a dodgy seaside fairground. It was disappointing and left me feeling nauseous.
Now I’m an adult, I know so much more about how to get what I want out of a sexual experience, which makes the whole thing way easier and much more fun.
Here are my top tips for great sex:
Establish a time limit: Sometimes we don’t want to go ‘all night long’. Before you start, talk about a hard out time. Bake Off starts at eight? Get down to business at seven, but never stop talking about Prue Leith. That way, you’ll both get on with it quicker than you can say ‘are those muffins ready?’
Clear your to-do list first: If, like me, you find it hard to concentrate on sex when you’re thinking about other things (you know like whether those cream trousers have been washed), use this as motivation to get your minor chores done. Ideally, share this with your partner, so they can clear up their shit too! Remember: foreplay starts with a clean kitchen, freshly washed cream trousers and empty bins.
Pick music with a manageable cadence: This is not the time for fast-paced post-punk rhythm changes, nor is it the time to try out Reddit Guys playlist (if you know you know, and if you don’t, a quick TikTok search will clear that one up). Make sure you’re not including anything that reminds you of family, previous lovers or your childhood. I recommend starting with something slow, and ending with a fast-tempo track under three minutes – no one has the stamina to thrust to a fast tempo for longer than three minutes.
Learn to say no: You don’t have to turn in an Oscar-winning performance if you’re not in the mood. Say goodbye to faking a headache or a bad back and just say no. If you want to be polite, you can offer a high five or a short dance performance as you deliver your response.
Me Vs. Brain: An Overthinker’s Guide to Life by Hayley Morris is out now, published by Century in hardback, £18.99.
“Autistic women speak out of turn a lot – that their direct honesty is jarring and unacceptable is a problem for all women.”
