Christmas is meant to be the most wonderful time of the year. And sometimes, it is. I love the bright lights, the festive feels, the sense that magic is around the corner – and obviously, the food. But I can also find myself feeling lonely.
I’ve celebrated Christmas in many different ways over the years – I’ve twice joined my friend’s family in Italy for a traditional (and vegetarian) Christmas, I’ve eaten Subway sandwiches in a motel by the Grand Canyon on spontaneous hiking trip with American friends, and I’ve spent many Christmases at home with my family.
Some of those Christmases have been more fun than others – even Subway for Christmas lunch couldn’t ruin the Grand Canyon – but during almost all of them, I’ve had moments of feeling lonely.
This loneliness isn’t always linked to anything tangible. I’ve rarely been alone in any of those celebrations. But feeling lonely isn’t the same as being alone – they’re two very different things – and the older I get, the more I realise that being alone can actually feel really good, while being surrounded by people can leave me feeling lonely, especially if I don’t feel connected to them.
It doesn’t mean you can’t feel lonely while you’re alone – of course you can, and it’s why there are so many amazing charities out there to help isolated people who inevitably struggle with loneliness. But for me, loneliness is all about feeling disconnected, whether it's from the people I’m around, or even from myself. I feel it most at Christmas precisely because it’s Christmas – there’s an expectation to be having an amazing time, to be posting all about it on social media, and to enjoy the few compulsory holiday days we get off from work.
I used to feel it most when I was single and didn’t want to be. I’d scroll through my socials and see coupled-up friends post cute photos of impossibly thoughtful gifts and festive ‘we’re engaged!’ selfies. I’d feel a not-so-festive pang of loneliness, made worse by the guilt that I was being a Grinch instead of sending them loving Christmas energy.
But as the years have gone by, I’ve learnt that this loneliness is normal. The more I try to fight it, the worse it gets. Distracting myself from it doesn’t fully work either – especially if I’m trying to numb the feelings with food and TV. Sometimes, it helps to reach out to someone – but it depends on how they're going to react. If they get it, then the sense of connection instantly counteracts the loneliness. But if they respond with a blank look, or a jovial ‘but it’s Christmas!’ then I feel lonelier than ever.
The best thing I can do when I feel lonely – whether it’s at Christmas or just in my everyday life – is to embrace it. Instead of running away from it, I sit in it. If I’m surrounded by people, I’ll find a quiet place (even if it’s the loo) and just take a moment to connect with myself. I’m compassionate to myself, and I tell myself it’s a normal feeling; it’s part of being human. One in four people are currently lonely. I am not alone in my loneliness. Sometimes, I try and connect to all the other people sitting in bathrooms trying not to cry.
And then I treat myself like a friend. Sometimes I do this by giving myself an internal pep talk in the mirror, and sometimes I hide away from everyone, curl up in a corner with my journal, and write it all down. I acknowledge the pressure I'm feeling and congratulate myself on getting through it. It might not sound like a lot, but just this simple act of self-compassion can ease the loneliness.
“It sounds like you’re taking the feelings seriously, which is great,” says psychotherapist Michael Toller. ‘Beyond that it’s important for someone to think about, what way is this feeling impacting me? Can I deal with it myself or do I need help with it? You might want to share it, either with someone you trust, or a professional therapist.’
He acknowledges the pressures of societal expectations around Christmas, and urges people to think instead about their personal expectations – do they want to rest? See friends? Family? Or spend time alone? “It’s about thinking about what you want from this time of year. Sometimes it’s good to be alone, and sometimes you want to be around people. Sometimes it’s good to sit with your feelings, but sometimes it’s good to connect with others too. Just be very honest with yourself about what you’re feeling.”
There is no ‘one way’ out of loneliness. It’s different for everyone, and it can change for individuals too. There have been times when I’ve needed to see friends to ease my loneliness, and times when I’ve gone inwards instead. For artist Mari Andrew, loneliness is something she's choosing to see as “fundamental element of the human condition and something that can actually bring us into deeper resonance with humanity.”
She feels deep loneliness at Christmas, but has now learnt to see the positives of it. “Can we begin to see loneliness as something inevitable, and not something wrong with us?” she writes in her newsletter. “Can we see it as the very thing that makes us swoon over twinkle lights, and buy extra food at the supermarket to contribute to the donation barrel? I’m most generous in my times of loneliness because I feel the most interdependent on my fellow humans — especially the ones I don’t know.”
Mari is giving herself the right to feel lonely this Christmas, and so am I. Instead of fighting it, I’m going to be kind to myself when I feel lonely and do whatever it is I need in that moment – whether it’s calling a good friend, comforting myself, or reaching out to my wider community. Whatever I choose, it will be my Christmas gift to myself – the ultimate act of self-care.
Dr Cecilia Radecka at digital healthcare provider Livi says: “Being part of a community gives us a strong sense of belonging. Doing activities that we enjoy is good for our mental wellbeing and a way to meet new people. Try taking part in a book club, choir or volunteering at a community garden. One study found that group singing significantly boosts psychological wellbeing." Take that as your cue to do some carol singing, pronto.
- Try to seek connection. This can be speaking to a good friend, or reading a book that you feel truly connected to. I like to listen to particular podcasts that inspire me – like Fearne Cotton’s The Happy Place or Gabby Bernstein’s Dear Gabby – where people are honest about the struggles they’re going through. It makes me feel just as connected as a phone call with a friend.
- Think about everyone else feeling lonely right now. You’re not alone in this, and it’s a completely normal feeling.
- Reach out to your community. Maybe there’s a way you can volunteer? Or if you can’t give up your time, maybe you can just do a small act of charity like give a donation or give all your old coats to charities collecting for the homeless. Giving back is the best way to feel connected.
- Be your own best friend. It sounds cliché but it works. If you’re able to support yourself through your loneliness, and swap any negative self-talk for kind self-compassion, then you’ll notice you don’t actually feel so lonely anymore. You might even feel happy alone.
If you need support, try the Mind info-line for information on relevant mental health services: 0300 123 3393, or call the Samaritans on 116 123.
