This article references sexual assault.
In 2024 women are abstaining from dating and relationships. It seems a strange thing to say in the era of sex-positivity and the ability to freely date and hook up with whomever we choose, but the anti-dating movement is blowing up as more and more women are consciously choosing a solo lifestyle over a partnered one.
“Men view dating as ‘dial a shag’ and have co-opted sex positivity to mean that women should automatically provide sex. Despite the contradiction that men want to know a woman’s ‘body count’ to see if she is wifey material,” explains Sangita*, a 33-year-old from London.
“I would rather just focus on my friends now. Honestly, nothing could restore my faith, I’ve seen enough.”
Sangita* is one of many women in the UK who are part of the opt-out movement. Of course, dating app fatigue is real and taking a break from swiping is probably good for your mental health – we’re all familiar with the benefits of opting out of stressful situations in order to heal, rest and recover.
But the concept of opting out and protecting one’s energy has become more political in recent years, as ideological movements like 4B and ‘Boy Sober’ have begun to gain traction online. TikTok videos about these subjects rack up several million views on a single clip and the comments sections are full of women extolling the virtues of a life without men.
Would you use an AI ‘dating concierge’ to decide your matches?
4B, which is said to have originated in South Korea, refers to itself as a “radical feminist movement”. The rules are simple: no dating men, no marriage, no sex with men and no having children with them.
It seems extreme, but the “Boy Sober” movement, a term popularised by American comedian Hope Woodard, presents an equivalent that’s been widely adopted in the US and UK. To be Boy Sober is to give up on romantic and sexual relationships with men to benefit your own well-being.
“You can choose to be alone for whatever reason you want but terms like ‘boy sober’ appear playful, fun, and light-hearted while providing a legitimate sense of community,” explains relationship therapist Ailey Jolie.
“It's becoming normalised to de-centre men if dating is causing more harm than good to our mental health.”
“They make it easier for individuals to connect and support one another over their choice to not engage in dating culture and instead focus on themselves.”
“I came across the term Boy Sober on TikTok,” explains Victoria, 37, from Leeds. “The message of consciously breaking away from dating for a period of time resonated with me. I love how it's becoming normalised to consciously de-centre men if dating is causing more harm than good to our mental and emotional health.”
Victoria also identified as celibate as part of her journey, taking a pledge of self-elected celibacy from February 2021 to December 2023.
“I broke my celibacy for someone that I believed was worth it, but again I found myself in a position of matching with an emotionally unavailable man.” She says. “Now I am back on the Boy Sober train and thriving. I am not on dating apps, I am not texting or speaking to men.”
Elected celibacy is a big part of the opt-out movement and has become the subject of seemingly never-ending discourse in groups like Girls Who Date, The No Contact Club, and Are We Dating the Same Guy – private moderated groups set up for hetero women to discuss their dating experiences with men.
In these groups, women jokingly throw the term “femcel” around – a play on the term used by men who identify as “involuntarily celibate” – but there’s a stark difference between the two terms. The women in these groups have made a decision willingly, many under the admission that going solo is part of some inner work or healing journey, and not because of a bad experience with men specifically. Their radicalism is of a very different kind to the majority of people for whom the term “incel” resonates.
From banned Reddit forums to TikTok aesthetics.
“Men are great, and it’s my love and respect for them that have encouraged me to go Boy Sober,” says Hope, who runs an online community called Feed Me Female as well as the sexual health company LUUD.
“I consciously do not like to engage in sex or dating when I feel my personal vibe is ‘off’. I think it’s important for us all to be conscious of the exchange in energy that occurs when we are having sex, dating or communicating with others.”
“It’s no longer being flattered by men’s flirtations, giving a shit about the male gaze, their opinions or what they find attractive.”
But it has the power to make a choice to opt-out, whatever your reason for doing so, that’s important here. Women are choosing to forego romantic and sexual relationships with men, sometimes permanently, for many reasons. “It’s not disengaging with all men entirely (some of the best people in my life are men)” explains Mel from London. “It’s no longer being flattered by men’s flirtations, giving a shit about the male gaze, their opinions or what they find attractive. And it’s no longer giving men the benefit of the doubt.”
And in a world where violence against women and girls isn’t taken seriously by policymakers and our own law enforcement might be seen as a potential threat to our safety, women are understandably concerned about their welfare when dipping a toe into the dating pool.
The very existence of private groups like Are We Dating the Same Guy reveals the levels of anxiety attached to the heterosexual dating experience for many women. Look to stats about non-consensual choking, stealthing and assault or even to the countless memes about why women would rather be alone in the woods with a wild bear than a man and there’s a potent legitimacy behind the radical lifestyle choices that women are making.
“Do you believe me now?”
“[I’ve been Boy Sober] since the beginning of 2024,” 33-year-old Sangita* tells GLAMOUR.
“After years of dating and experiencing ghosting, just for the man to reappear months or even years later, expectations that I should travel to their flat to ‘hang out’ for a date, sexual threats, cyberflashing, stealthing, men in relationships approaching me, a former boss touching me without consent, and in the most extreme case, stalking and harassment, I have opted out. And it will be permanent.”
“By choosing celibacy or movements like ‘boy sober’, women are reclaiming their narrative.”
Relationship Therapist Ailey Jolie explains that “the uncomfortable truth is that current dating culture often fails to meet the expectations of meaningful and empowering connections. By choosing celibacy or movements like ‘boy sober’, women are reclaiming their narrative and reducing the distress associated with disappointing dating experiences.”
Jolie’s take is that the Boy Sober movement is a direct response to cultural attitudes about relationships being a taxing burden with little benefit. “It’s less a reaction to bad dating experiences (which have always existed, perhaps now more highlighted by social media) and more a response to a lack of empowered, interdependent relationships being represented,” she explains.
“It’s hard to aspire to co-create a relationship with someone that we have never seen a representation of. We have seen lots of representations of independence, but not many of interdependence, yet.”
“There are good men out there,” says Hope. “And maybe someday, if I’m lucky, I will find one. However, I’m not pinning all my hopes on it. There are other things to occupy me, and bring fulfillment to my life.”
Show up for your people.
We all have an idea of our ideal relationship, the perfect sexual encounter or how we’d like to be spoken to and treated. But for many women joining the opt out movement, the ideal scenario is so far from the reality that putting the effort in just doesn’t seem worth it.
“I was repeatedly dumped, blocked, ghosted (more often than not, by men who had just told me they loved me), and in one incident, I was shooed out of an apartment at 11 pm on a Saturday night so my date could rush off to his important ‘business meeting’,” Mel tells GLAMOUR.
“Society continuously tells women that their romantic relationships are a reflection of themselves.”
“Unlike learning a language or picking up a new skill where effort correlates to a better outcome, it doesn’t matter how much effort you put in, because there’s no guarantee of even a satisfactory outcome when it comes to men and dating. Society continuously tells women that their romantic relationships are a reflection of themselves, it’s just utter bullshit. Men these days are opportunistic, non-committal cowards looking to take advantage and exploit women in any way that they can.”
The past few years have seen a dramatic drop in the number of dating app users across the board. In particular, female and non-binary users are choosing to delete their dating apps. Once considered the only viable way to meet a partner, apps have swiftly fallen out of favour, and men now outnumber women in these spaces, sharply skewing the dating experience. A report from January 2024 showed that on Tinder, 67% of users identified as men and 33% identified as women.
Women have increasingly reported not feeling safe or respected when using dating apps and faith in them has diminished as negative experiences have increased and misguided ad campaigns have left women feeling uncomfortable and unsupported.
Bumble recently came under fire for ads targeting women who’d elected to become celibate in response to negative dating experiences. The new ads, which showed tongue-in-cheek messages like, "A vow of celibacy is not the answer" and "Thou shalt not give up on saying and become a nun" were shockingly tone deaf in a landscape where women are choosing to opt out because they’re at best, fed up, at worst, afraid of men.
And despite other apps like FEELD offering celibacy as an orientation option when building a profile, women are still leaving apps in droves.
And you have Gen Z to thank for it.
Trish, who lives in Manchester and has been Boy Sober for a year and a half told GLAMOUR, “the negativity is inescapable, either the profiles themselves say the most outlandish things, or if you think you may have just found that one decent person, they ghost you.”
“Women are done with the archaic narrative that their worth is tied to their relationship status.”
Trish is no stranger to the opt-out movement, having been solo for seven years prior to her last relationship. “The decision has come from the need to protect myself and my sanity. It’s unfair that I am having to suffer the consequences of men’s actions, and I have to choose myself and say no more.”
“This trend isn't just about a few bad dates but a collective reclamation of female autonomy,” explains therapist Ailey Jolie. “When we move past the trending TikTok videos, women are done with the archaic narrative that their worth is tied to their relationship status. Instead, they're choosing to focus on themselves. [To] focus on creating a fulfilling and balanced life that centres wellbeing and personal development.”
Jolie explains that using a sense of honour and camaraderie to minimise distress is a well-documented psychological phenomenon. Opt-out movements enact this phenomenon, particularly on social media, where women in their thousands discuss the specifics of their opt-out journeys and lend one another support, encouragement, and advice.
“More and more women are waking up to men’s bullshit.” Mel tells GLAMOUR.
“And younger women are more empowered, more educated and far less dependent on men. So I think whilst this is only really just starting to gain traction in the UK it will increasingly gain popularity. I strongly believe that if women wish to see constructive change in men’s behavior, we need to take a stand and withdraw completely. And men will only have themselves to blame.”
For more information about reporting and recovering from rape and sexual abuse, you can contact Rape Crisis on 0808 500 2222.
If you have been sexually assaulted, you can find your nearest Sexual Assault Referral Centre here. You can also find support at your local GP, voluntary organisations such as Rape Crisis, Women's Aid, and Victim Support, and you can report it to the police (if you choose) here.
