It looks like Bebe Rexha has called time on her relationship with cinematographer Keyan Safyari – but that's not all that she wants to bring to our attention.
On her Instagram Stories, the singer shared a screenshot of a lengthy message purported to be from Safyari pointing out her weight gain.
It reads: "You gained 35 pounds obviously you gained weight and your face changes? Should I just pretend it didn't happen and that it's ok?
"I never said you weren't beautiful and I never said I didn't love you. In fact I said how beautiful you are and how much I loved you.
“But I always said I would be honest with you and your face was changing so I told you it was.”
The sender goes on to suggest that Bebe would've treated a partner the same when it comes to criticising the weight gain of someone she's in a relationship with. The messaging seems to verge into emotional manipulation by insisting that the problem is with Bebe, not with the person insulting her body.
"Come on I gain 3 pounds and you called me chubbs and fat. Doesn't mean you don't love me. If you're trying to find reasons to breakup this makes sense… but it's not the real reason.
“If you're unhappy with me/yourself/with life and don't see a future with us then that's ok and that's the reason.”
Interestingly – and infuriatingly – the message purported to be from Safyari also details suggestions of how Bebe can solve this “problem”, even though she hasn't seemed to ask for either criticisms or answers.
It recommends that she “think about things and write things down, speak to a therapist and do this retreat thing to get to the root of the problem.” The message closes out with an attempt at support that to me just feels sinister: “let me know if you'd like to speak if you need more clarity. Love you.”
If this upsetting attitude towards Bebe's body image and the suggestion of how she should handle it isn't bad enough, the apparent use of “therapy speak” such as her suggested “need for clarity” from a partner and recommendations of a retreat, journalling or therapy itself paints a rather manipulative image, to me. While all of these acts of self care are an excellent idea when we feel empowered to do them, they shouldn't be suggested as a soft means of control or coercion in a relationship.
And why it's no bad thing.
Bebe's decision to share this message comes just over a week after Jonah Hill's ex-girlfriend Sarah Brady shared similar screenshots of messages purported to be from the actor, detailing behaviour that was at her discretion – such as posting bikini pictures, surfing with men and having “friendships with women in unstable places” – that violated his “boundaries”. Many criticised his use of therapy speak, viewing it as a means of coercive control – and one could that the messages Bebe shared share similar themes.
While this allegation is disturbing and has raised concerns that such an inspirational figure in the music industry might be subjected to such cruel comments about her body by a person who claims to love her, the fact that Bebe Rexha and Sarah both chose to share and warn against what they see as behaviour may suggest something more positive and progressive.
If women – and all people – feel empowered to share, discuss and shine a light on coercion and emotional manipulation that they've faced, maybe this means we're entering an era that normalises calling out toxic behaviour from men, or an abusive partner of any gender.
For so long, the patriarchy has dictated that we feel inclined to blame ourselves for toxic behaviour in relationships. Did we cause it? Did we encourage it? Should we have seen it coming?
Seeing women step out and share evidence of toxic behaviour in relationships, and how subtly it can be shaded through use of “therapy speak” and other soft power plays, flips the script. This movement could mean that we can finally stop blaming ourselves and call out this kind of emotional abuse for what it is – completely unacceptable.
GLAMOUR has contacted Kayan for comment and is awaiting response.
