26 people share their sex disasters
Fact: when Fifty Shades Of Grey was first published, the fire brigade saw a spike in call-outs to people trapped in handcuffs. And while the Fifty Shades phenomenon might have inspired us to expect more than 'vanilla' sex, sometimes turning up the kink-factor backfires. Big time. We salute
your failed (and seriously funny) attempts at some Christian Grey-style naughtiness. EL James has a lot to answer for.
"Picture the scene: my girlfriend's bent over my knee with her bare bottom in the air, my hand's mid-air, ready to spank her. In walks her dad, who's come to fix the radiators in our flat. I'd no idea she'd given him a key. He backs out, silent. Then knocks on the door five minutes later as if nothing had happened. We've all silently agreed to erase it from our memories." Richard, 32
"So, I go to unlock the handcuff chaining my boyfriend to the bed post and the key snaps
off in the lock. Oops. I probably should have forked out more than £8 for them. The bigger problem? We're in a hotel. A really posh hotel. I have to ring down to reception - at 11 o'clock at night - and ask if they have a hand saw as my partner's 'got trapped to something'. The receptionist says she'll have to send someone. Mike from facilities does a sterling job keeping a straight face as he frees my boyfriend - I've managed to pull some trousers on him, but his dignity is in tatters. I did get a refund for the handcuffs, though." Felicity, 31
"My partner bought me some silver jiggle balls - I'd been fascinated by them since I read Fifty Shades; you put them inside you and wear them out and about. No one knows they're there, but they give you a subtle, pleasurable sensation. I wore them out to dinner on date night. What the book doesn't mention is how easily they pop out when you cross your legs; as soon as I sat down and opened my menu I felt them, er, escape. I had to waddle across the restaurant hoping they didn't fall out of my knickers and roll across the floor." Olivia, 33
"We were in bed, discussing safe words
- a code word that means, 'seriously, stop' when you've reached your limit during sex. I was throwing out random words - lollipop, traffic cone, cucumber… 'No, we need something that will stop us dead in our tracks, something you can't ignore. How about…Jane?' he says. 'What, as in Jane my sister?' 'Yeah, yeah - that'll work.' I explained that I couldn't explore the world of S&M with someone who genuinely thought that was a good idea." Isla, 27
"'Thwack, thwack, thwack... thwack, thwack. '
It takes me a moment to realise what it is, but yep, that's the sound of my three and five-year-old nephews - who I'm meant to be babysitting - delightedly chasing each other round the house with my Ann Summers spanking paddle. The bottom of my wardrobe was
not a good enough hiding place." Rachel, 31
"I bought my boyfriend a 'double helix' cock ring - it has an extra hoop that goes round the base of the testicles. The sex was great - but removing our new toy was another matter; the ring round his balls seemed to have tightened and neither of us could get enough of a grip to stretch it off. He saw the funny side of it, at first. But 20 minutes later when he's on all fours as I finally manage to snip it off with a pair of nail scissors? Not so much." Helen, 27
"I was having sex with my new girlfriend
and she was pretty wild. She liked pulling my hair, so I thought I'd better reciprocate. I gave her long hair a tug and nearly screamed:
a huge chunk of her hair was in my hand.
She burst out laughing - it was her weave.
I nearly had a heart attack." George, 28
"I ordered some bondage gear online and got a delivery note saying it had been left with my 51-year-old neighbour, Mary. As she handed it over, I wasn't worried - there's nothing on the box to give away what it is, just a tiny label with the company's innocuous name and
a return address. 'They do some great stuff, don't they?' says Mary, with a wink. Oh. God." Faye, 28
"I was talking dirty to my girlfriend
over the phone while she was away on
a work trip. We were swapping sexual fantasies and I started describing mine. I got quite into it and was giving it lots of detail. She was quiet, but I assumed she was enjoying it. Nope, turns out the call had already dropped, five minutes ago.
I was talking to myself." Mark, 28
"We'd booked into a hotel for
our anniversary. In my wheelie suitcase I had all sorts - blindfolds, handcuffs, flavoured lube. The first thing my husband does is pick me up and throw me on the bed. It was a lot springier than we realised: I bounced off and smacked my head on the bedside table. Total mood killer." Tania, 30
"There's a scene in Fifty Shades where Christian massages Ana's buttocks with baby oil. I can confirm that in real life, it is not sexy, not at all, especially when your boyfriend goes, 'Oooh, you've got a spot on your bum.'" Lucy, 27
"I let a woman tie me up once. She used her stockings to tie my wrists to the headboard. I learnt that this is a big no-no, as the knots in tights and stockings get ridiculously tight if you pull at them. She left me with deep purple marks round my wrists: I had a job interview the next day and spent the whole time nervously pulling down my cuffs. I swear the HR manager clocked the marks." James, 33
"I once got a Malteser stuck up you know where after some kinky kitchen sex.
I had to use a teaspoon to retrieve it." Jenn, 31
"My neighbour once asked me if I could stop my dog yelping at night. I was puzzled: I don't have a dog. Then it dawned on me - the diamanté riding crop that my boyfriend got me as a 'naughty' birthday present.
It was the sound of me yelping. I told my neighbour I'd make sure the dog was quiet from then on." Camilla, 28
When S&M = A&E
Try explaining these to your doctor...
"We had sex on my husband's desk in his private office, like Ana and Christian do in Fifty Shades. He even blindfolded me with his tie, à la Mr Grey, before he lifted me up onto the desktop. But then he starts moaning like I've never heard him before. Wow, this is hot. Except he's moaning in pain because he's completely buggered his back. Three hours waiting in hospital is the least sexy thing I can think of." Steph, 28
"My friend-with-benefits once asked me to whip him with a belt. Instead of lightly tapping him, which I think was what he was after, I really went for it. Which would have been painful enough, but I accidentally used the metal buckle end. Poor guy, I remember him letting out a tortured scream and then seeing a huge, bloody cut all down his back. But, you know, he did ask." Julia, 30
"My ex and I decided to take things up a notch and get
a little more rough and wild
in bed. It was hot, almost animalistic. Suddenly there was blood everywhere. Turned out my foreskin had ripped - badly. I couldn't have sex for six weeks while it repaired. The thought of it still makes me wince." Charlie, 30
"A 'rough play' experiment with my boyfriend went
a little wrong when he asked me to slap him. I caught him too near his ear. The result? A burst ear drum and a very awkward conversation with a nurse." Kate, 25
Dirty talk disasters
Christian Grey had a talent for whispering filthy nothings into Anastasia's ear. These guys? Not so much. These are real things GLAMOUR readers have heard in bed.
"So what's the biggest thing you've stuck up your vag?"
"I want to milk you like a cow..."
"I'm going to penis you so hard."
"Meet my mighty pleasure stick."
"Mmm, you're so delicious. Like a burger."
"I think I should warn you, I'm not great at sex."
"Tell me that I'm really hard, as hard as a... bollard."
"Switch off the light. I'm ugly when I come."
Photography by Dennis Pedersen
Dennis Pedersen
