New Girl: Schmidt's best lines
We're fully paid-up members of the New Girl fan club but it's Schmidt's pithy - and ridiculous - one liners that we've really taken into our hearts and souls. So we run down the finest Schmidtisms from Seasons 1 and 2, to have ever been fined a dollar in the douchebag jar*.
Schmidt: "Has anyone seen my sharkskin laptop sleeve?"
Jess, Nick & Winston: "Jar!" *Probably the greatest invention, ever. Why did we not have one in our uni flat shares?
Rex FeaturesCan someone please get my towel? It's in my room next to my Irish walking cape.
Rex FeaturesWe built this Schmidty, we built this Schmidty on Tootsie Rolls.
Rex FeaturesThere are plenty of things to be down about; the deficit, air pollution in China, The Hobbit wasn't very good...
Rex FeaturesI'm like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is a unique experience.
Rex Features[To Winston] You were so light and charming you were like Pixar Winston.
Rex FeaturesI don't celebrate Christmas, or as I like to call it, "White Anglo Saxon Winter Privilege Night."
Rex FeaturesNick: I don't get it. Is this bath water?
Schmidt: Might as well be; it's rosé.
Rex FeaturesI'm gonna have to run all the way home, and I have my slipperiest loafers on.
Rex FeaturesGet rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft. It's the wood of poor people and outhouses.
Rex FeaturesI'm gonna go take a shower with Nick's bar of soap like a common ranch hand.
Rex FeaturesSchmidt: Where's your boyfriend?
CeCe: We're meeting up later because he has a little surprise for me.
Schmidt: Spoiler: it's his penis.
Rex FeaturesDamn it! I can't find my driving moccasins anywhere.
Rex FeaturesWinston, you better watch it, man, because I will take you down. I had figure skating lessons until I was 13, and then my mom sobered up and realized I was a boy. Let's do this!
Rex FeaturesSchmidt [on the pitfalls of cooking Thanksgiving dinner] : Well I can blanch or I can talk but I can't do both!
Rex Features[To Melissa] : You are a gynecologist and a lesbian. This makes you a vagenius.
Rex FeaturesHas anyone seen my good pea coat?
Rex FeaturesOutliers - you should read it. Malcolm Gladwell. It's one of my desert island books, along with Machiavelli's The Prince, Freak by John Leguizamo, any of the scripts from the first season of The Vampire Diaries.
Rex FeaturesCece [to Schmidt]: I got your text. When you're going through a "Taylor Swift-like range of emotions," I should come over, right?
Rex FeaturesI had a bad night. I'm really, I'm just asking you, please don't push me. 'Cause then I'll have to reinstate my ban on high-waisted shorts.
Rex FeaturesSchmidt: Are you wearing a traditional sari?
Cece: Yes.
Schmidt: I begged you to wear a sari. I had all these sari-related sexual scenarios.
Cece: Shh!
Schmidt: Monsoon Bedding, The Best Erotic Maribone Hotel... Slum-Doggy-Style Millionaire.
Rex FeaturesBack in high school, they used to call me 'the sex haver'.
Rex FeaturesBathtubs are medieval filth cauldrons; I'm not interested in simmering in testicle tea for 20 minutes.
Rex FeaturesSchmidt: A tuxedo is different from a suit.
Nick: It is?
Rex FeaturesJess [about Schmidt]: Schmidt asked me if he could rent out closet space in my room for his fedoras...
Rex FeaturesDamp towel. Damp! It’s like a really big wet nap. I feel like I'm being licked by a golden retriever.
Rex FeaturesNick, you and Jess didn't work out, ok? www.moveon.org
Rex FeaturesYou're listening to the radio and writing with a pen... What decade are we in?
Rex FeaturesI can’t lie; even thinking about keeping a secret turns my back into a slip 'n' slide.
Rex FeaturesI'm like a Jewish Peter Pan. Petya Pan. Petter Pan. Pesach Pan.
Rex FeaturesYou were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost!
Rex FeaturesPopacorno. It’s popcorn in Italian.
Rex FeaturesWords that have never been used to describe Schmidt; spontaneous, easy going, flexible. I'm like a marine.
Rex FeaturesI'm asking more so out of curiosity than fear; hashtag excitement.
Rex FeaturesWe're broenemies. He's my fremesis.
Rex FeaturesAll DAY!
