A letter to... Ross Geller
Dearest Ross,
Since you fell asleep while trying to read Rachel’s 18-page letter outlining the issues with your romance, I’m guessing you haven’t found the time this week to read @kaneandgriffin's 100-tweet argument for Rachel and Joey ending up together. And the accompanying mean tweets about how you’re a total loser, a dinosaur-doting dweeb, and the worst TV boyfriend of all time - judgmental, condescending, jealous and overly hair-gelled.
But Ross, they don’t see what I see. Don’t let them get you down. Just go home, throw on some Kenny G and take a bath. Because Ross, you’re TV’s ultimate unknowingly feminist boyfriend. You might not be comfortable being called a feminist, which is ironic considering that you’re happy to be called a paleontologist. You were even happy to be in a band called Way/No Way. But you are a feminist. Back in the mid 1990s, you started fumbling your way through feminism, like you fumbled your way through everything, you big loveable goofball, you. And, with a little help from your friends and a good woman, you found feminism.
The first sign of a male fledgling feminist is an ability to love truly, madly, deeply – you loved Rachel Green since school. You didn’t care that your love for her wasn’t cool, or wasn’t likely, or didn’t come stamped with your friends’ approval. You didn’t care that – on paper – the two of you are completely incompatible. You simply adored Rachel Green, you fearless romantic warrior, you.
And Ross, while you might big up your scientific and academic credentials, there’s nobody as soft-hearted as you. You care so much about everything. You give everything in life an A for effort, even when you flunk for attainment. You try so hard to fit in, you try so hard to understand Rachel, you try so hard to gain the respect of your terrifying colleagues. And you become very, very comfortable with failure. In fact, you wear failure better than you wear leather trousers.
Ross, you’ve also had some serious plot twists to navigate: sharing custody of your son, Ben, with your ex-wife and her hot new wife; your nutso English second bride; Rachel divorcing you because she was drunk during the ceremony; that tanning booth/teeth whitening fiasco. But you handle it all, clumsily but ultimately successfully, because that’s what real men do: they handle shit.
Sure, you struggled when Rachel entered the baffling world of fashion, fashion being as unfathomable to you as fossils are to most people. But you sucked it up and evolved with Rachel, supporting her later career choices, putting your own happiness second to hers. You still didn’t care about fashion, but you did care about Rachel. And that’s all that mattered.
You even took Rachel’s word for it when she said she the two of you should take a break. You didn’t refuse to believe her, or dismiss this as an offhand, fickle comment by a woman who didn’t know her own mind. OK, we all know how this worked out for you. But we can now appreciate where it came from. It came from a sense of equality.
But if there’s one thing, Ross, that I love you most for, it’s how you’ve grown over the years. You started out trying to be smug, petty and judgmental, and you wound up as the most generous, open-minded and non-judgmental man on TV. Because life happened to you, and that life was crazy. And you give us all hope, Ross, that the plot twists of life will make us better people, too.
If they aren't already, all good men become feminists in the end, because love, friendship and family requires fairness. You taught me that, Ross. Also, I have never, ever worn leather trousers.
Your forever friend,
Anna x
NBC/GettyRoss: Yeah, I need uh... I'm just-I don't know-I don't understand, umm, how this happened? We-we used a condom.
Rachel: I know. I know, but y'know condoms only work like 97% of the time.
Ross: What? What? What? Well they should put that on the box!
Rachel: They do!
Ross: No they don't!
[Runs to the bedroom and returns the condoms]
Ross: Well they should put it in huge black letters!
Rachel: Okay Ross come on let's just forget about the condoms.
Ross: Oh well I may as well have!
NBC/GettyRoss: My marriage, I think my marriage is kind of over.
Phoebe: Why?
Ross: Because my wife's a lesbian... And I'm not one.
NBC/GettyWill: [about how he hates Rachel] It wasn't just me. We had a club.
Rachel: You had a club?
Will: That's right. The I Hate Rachel Green Club.
Rachel: O my God! So what? You all just join together to hate me? Who else was in this club?
Will: Me and Ross.
Ross: No need to point. She knows who Ross is.
NBC/GettyRoss: Ah, love. L-O-V-E love. 'L' is for life. I mean what is life without love?
Rachel: Oh my god, are we supposed to answer?
Ross: 'O' is for OH WOW! 'V' is for this very surprising turn of events which i am still fine with by the way. 'EEE' is for how extreeemeely normal I find it that you two are together and that one day you might get married... and have children of your own...
Joey: Dude, are you okay?
Ross: Totally!
Rachel: Ross, you don't seem OK.
Ross: I'm sorry, it must be the pressure of entertaining.
NBC/GettyRoss: Rach, you balded my girlfriend!
Rachel: (About Bonnie's baldness) See, she doesn't look that bad.
Ross: You can see the moonlight bouncing off her head!
NBC/GettyRachel: Maybe we should take a break.
Ross: You're right. Let's cool off, get some frozen yoghurt.
Rachel: No, a break from us.
NBC/GettyRoss: A hundred million people went to see a movie about what I do. I wonder how many people would go see a movie called Jurassic Parka.
Rachel: Oh, that is so...
Ross: No, no, no, a bunch of out-of-control jackets take over an island!
NBC/GettyMark: Rachel Green's line, how may I help you?
Ross: Hi, is Rachel there?
Mark: And who may I say is calling?
Ross: This is Ross.
Mark: Ross of...?
Ross: Of Ross and Rachel.
NBC/GettyRoss: Look, it's the artist formerly known as Chandler.
NBC/GettyRoss: How about the time I cut the legs off your Malibu Ken?
Monica: That was you?
Ross: Uh... They were infected. He wouldn't have made it.
NBC/GettyRoss: Well, wait a minute, why is she in the title?
Susan: It's my baby too.
Ross: Um, excuse me; I don't remember you making any sperm.
NBC/GettyRoss: Meat on a dessert? That is not possible.
Joey: I know, and only one layer of jam? What is up with that?
Ross: It tastes like feet!
Joey: Well, I like it.
Ross: Are you kidding?
Joey: I mean, what's not to like? Custard, good. Jam, good. Meat, good!
NBC/GettyRoss: I went to the tanning place your wife suggested.
Chandler: Was that place the sun?
NBC/GettyRoss: You sprayed my front twice!
The Tanning Salon Guy: You never turned?
Ross: No! I barely even got to three Mississippi.
The Tanning Salon Guy: Mississippi? I said count to five.
Ross: Mississippilessly?
NBC/GettyRoss: Chandler. I sensed it was you.
Chandler: What?
Ross: Unagi. I'm always aware.
Chandler: Are you aware that unagi is an eel?
NBC/GettyRoss: You-you-you... You threw my sandwich away... My sandwich? MY SANDWICH?!!
NBC/GettyRoss: I hope everyone likes Mexican food because I’m making FAJITAS!
NBC/GettyJoey: Ross! How much do you weigh?
Ross: I'd really rather not answer that, right now. I'm still carrying a little holiday weight.
NBC/GettyRoss: Listen, I'm in Elizabeth's bathroom…
Joey: Nice!
Ross: No, I-I got really hot in my leather pants so I took them off but they must have shrunk from the-the sweat or-or-or my legs expanded from the heat. Look, I-I can't put them back on. I can't!
Joey: Oh. That is quite a situation. Uh, do you see any like, powder?
Ross: Powder! Yeah! Yeah, I have powder!
Joey: Good-good, okay, sprinkle some of that on your legs, it'll absorb some of the moisture and then you can get your pants back up.
Ross: Yeah, okay, hold on! (He puts the phone down and proceeds to spread a large amount of powder on his legs and makes another attempt at pulling up his pants. It doesn't work, and without picking up the phone leans down to it.) (Almost in tears.) They're not coming on man.
Joey: Umm, do you see any—oh, Vaseline?
Ross: Ohh, I-I see lotion, I have lotion! Will that work?
Joey: Yeah, sure, spread some of that on there.
Ross: Hold on.
(Ross proceeds to apply copious amounts of the lotion on his legs. He literally starts spraying the back of his legs with the lotion, and as he applies some to his butt he makes a happy face like he enjoyed that sensation. After using about half the bottle he again tries to pull up his pants, but at the first sign of resistance, his hand slips off of the pants and hits him in the forehead.)
Joey: Ross? You okay?
Ross: They're still, they're still not coming on man and the lotion and the powder have made a paste!
NBC/GettyRoss: And I'm Doctor Ross Geller.
Rachel: Ross, please, this is a hospital, ok? That actually means something here.
NBC/GettyRoss: (unpacking his bag) Okay, shoot!
Rachel: Okay, uhm... alright, here's the deal.
Ross: (gasps) OH NO!
Rachel: What? What is it?
Ross: Oh, major shampoo explosion!
Rachel: Uh, look Ross, this really isn't easy.
Ross: Oh, it's all over everything. Why? Why me?
Rachel: Because you took three hundred bottles of shampoo?
[b]Ross: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You were saying?
Rachel: Well, yeah... Okay, look it's about me and...
Ross: Oh, not another one! Oh my G... And this is moisturiser. It's even harder to clean! Why? Why do bad things happen to good people?
NBC/GettyRoss: Y'know what? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no divorces in '99!
NBC/GettyRoss: Hey, Rachel, did you notice...
Rachel: Your teeth? Yeah, I saw them from outside.
