20 ways to have the sex you've always wanted
Thinking of ways to up your sex game? Look no further. It's no secret that we all want to get the best out of our sexual experiences and here's exactly how to do that. From switching up the foreplay to recreating your hottest bedroom moments, here are 20 ways to have the sex you've always wanted...
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Tell him to touch you… like he would a cat
Bear with: “If you play rough with a cat, it thinks you’re attacking it – the same goes for our vaginas,” says leading sex therapist Simone Bienne. “I advise men to approach vaginas s-l-o-w-l-y, at half the speed and pressure that they touch themselves.” Give yourself time, and show him what you like.
iStockKeep quiet for 5 minutes
Keep going for longer with a bit of sensual deprivation. “Sex is a body/mind/spirit practice,” says sex educator Jenny Block. “When you are wholly involved on all fronts, everything happens faster.” Instead of moaning, talking dirty or shouting, try staying quiet for a few minutes to tune into your own senses. It will also encourage your partner to be creative and find new ways to stimulate and connect with you.
Switch up your foreplay
Genital arousal needs blood flow, and that’s exercise’s skill. According to research from the University of Texas, 20 minutes of exercise at 7/10 on the effort scale is ideal physical foreplay. After cardio, arousal rises for five to ten minutes; add in strength training and you’re looking at 30-45.
Take a (hot) trip down memory lane
“Just talking about and reliving those early, hormone-laden sexual experiences can evoke the same powerfully erotic feelings you had then – but today,” explains sex therapist Mike Lousada. “Try going back to the places you first had great sex if you can, or recreating the situation – for example, put on the same music you were listening to at the time. Smell is also powerfully evocative, so even something like cooking the same food or wearing the same perfume will help reconnect you.”
Watch other women get aroused
“Most women aren’t into the fakeness of porn but some research suggests women are most turned on watching other women orgasm,” says Kathrine O’Connell White, director of the family planning fellowship at Tufts University School of Medicine. Check out makelovenotporn.tv – a site where regular people submit their own sex videos for other people to rent online or for something different, White suggests hystericalliterature.com, where women read books aloud while being stimulated off-camera with a vibrator.
Break out of your sex rut
Whether it’s a romantic relationship or a hook-up with a friend, getting away from same-old sex is so important. “Change the when and where you have sex,” says psychosexual therapist Michele McCulle. “Forget ‘early morning’ and ‘last thing before bed’ – getting it on in the afternoon, before supper and before you go out makes the most of when you’re feeling awake and engaged with each other.” As for those times when you feel more like catching ZZZs than getting X-rated, “have a shower together,” says Durex RealFeel sexpert Alix Fox. “It helps my partner and I simultaneously wind down – and perk up. Soapy suds are also sensual, and washing each other’s back is a surprising turn-on.”
Buy him a sex toy
Accoridng to Lovehoney, male masturbators have seen a whopping 72% increase in sales over the last two years. “I think every straight girl should own one,” says sex writer, Girl On The Net. “My partner and I have a large collection of male masturbators – tubes, sleeves and cans that slide over his penis. They're the best things in my sex toy collection.” Try the Fleshlight FlightPilot or gadget-cool 'guybrator' by Pulse. “It’s like giving a hand job – with superpowers.”
Get your play flight on
Erotic video specialist Pornhub.com names nude wrestling as one of its most viewed categories; it’s one of the oldest genres of porn, harking back to the Golden Age in the 1960s. Now for how to do it. Remember WWF wrestling? Well probably not like that. Instead, “Move on top of him and gently pin his arms back,” says Dr Ava Cadell, a US sexologist. “If you really want to build the sexual tension, try wrestling blindfolded to change the dynamic.
Say “I’ve never done [THAT] before”
Some guys might have a ‘signature move’ - one they’ll perform on you with pride almost every time you have sex. “Trouble is, if that move doesn’t really do it for you, it’s hard to let him know without hurting his feelings,” says sex therapist Dr Ian Kerner. So what can you do? “Easy,” says Hailey, 32. “I just tell him about a technique I read about somewhere and say it’s something I’ve never done before.” This works, according to Dr Kerner, because men want to stand out and be known for their prowess. “By giving you a new experience, he may seem ‘better’ compared to other men a woman may have been with,” he says. And he will be better too – because now he’ll be doing exactly what you want in bed.
Keep a record of the hot stuff
Creative things are always easier if you’ve prepped beforehand – same goes for sex. “I have an inbox full of drafts on sexy things that pop into my head, so I can draw on them later when I want to get my ‘sex talk’ on,” says Girl On The Net. “If you’re confident enough to send them to your partner, go for it.” Research shows people in committed relationships are more likely to send sexts. But if you’re too shy to hit ‘send’, write them down anyway - they’ll be fresh in your mind for later.
Smell an orange to get in the mood
Great sex is about feeling sensual, and indulging our senses switches them on. “Start by smelling an orange (strong in scent and taste), to get you in the mood,” says Bienne. “Sounds bonkers, but arousing your senses before sex helps you be in the moment – my clients swear by it.”
Take some proper sex ed
Sex Shop Sh! teaches its legendary classes at home as well as in-store. Book a Sh! Soiree (hosted by an experienced member of team Sh!) with your partner or a group of friends and learn about The Art of Female Orgasms or A Beginner’s Guide To Spanking (from £15 per person, sh-womenstore.com). Check our Scarlet Ladies, too – a social group that holds lectures on topics including Society and Sexuality and How To Get What You Want from sex, followed by drinks (scarletladiestalk.com).
Fantasise about your climax
Orgasm MIA? “A friend once told me that she’d never reached climax with a guy, but she could during masturbation,” says psychosexual therapist Christina Gordon. “There had been moments when she felt close – but during our chat, I realized she was so hung up on reaching an orgasm, and his reaction to her climax, that she was effectively stopping herself from getting there. I told her to imagine she was climaxing next time she was close during sex – to tense her leg muscles, arch her neck backwards and let herself go. When we next met up she told me, she really pictured herself climaxing and noticed her arousal build. She relaxed into the sensations and finally, an orgasm.”
Take your downward dog to the bedroom
Wondering what yoga and sex have in common, besides bandy legwork? Well, like reaching Dancer Pose, reaching orgasm is easier when you’re 100% present-moment focused – aka being mindful. In a study of women seeking treatment for low desire, Dr.Brotto found just four sessions of mindfulness meditation improved arousal, because it stops mid-act self-judgement. ow to do it? The most basic method is to follow your breath (in, out, in), or ask yourself, ‘What do I feel?’ “Roost your focus in physical sensations: your partner’s breathing, the sounds of bodies moving.”
Try micro massaging
If your partner loves a back rub, but you find pummelling their shoulders exhausting, try ‘micro massage.’ Use the tips of your fingers to trace small circles on their skin, starting behind the ears, then down the neck, across the collarbone and shoulders and down the spine. Add tiny tapping and pressing motions, but keep it light: it’s relaxing and senuous for them, and excuses you from the strenuous stuff. Even better, make sure you swap after half an hour
Become your own narrator
Overthinking killing the mood? Sometimes the solution to a wandering mind isn’t reining it in, but actually letting it run wild. “Fantasy isn’t mindfulness, but it can keep your mind ‘on topic.’ It’s about moving your mind to another place – an image memory or story – and it can boost sexual response,” says Dr. Lorri Brotto who runs the UBC Sexual Health Laboratory. Narrate what your partner’s doing to you – the more you flesh out the fantasy, the more you immerse yourself in it.
Master the edging technique
Popularized by Jason Biggs character in Orange Is The New Black, edging is bringing yourself to the verge of an orgasm (alone or with a partner), but stopping right before you climax – and repeating again and again. The benefits were confirmed by a study in The Journal of Sex Research, which found that edging can intensify your orgasm. It might take a few tries to perfect, but there are worse ways to spend the afternoon, no?
Amp up your sexting game
Teasing anticipation is much more powerful than straight-up dirty talk,” says Jo Hemmings, author of <Sizzling Sex>. So, say you receive a sext: “you have a choice of a ‘closed’ response, for example ‘Can. Not. Wait.’ Which is sexually encouraging but doesn’t invite a longer conversation,” advises Hemmings. “Or, if you’re feeling comfortable with, an ‘open’ reply – ‘Really? Tell me more…’ or, ‘Where would you like to do that?’ which throws the sexting ball back into their court.” Want to give them something more? Start with something suggestive, rather than X-rated: “I’d love to be running my hands down your body right now…” for example.
Encourage him to stay down there
Most guys love a challenge. Also, “men like to believe they’re good in bed,” says sex therapist Dr Ian Kerner. “And if you tell him he’s good at oral sex, he’ll be even keener to show you his moves.” This combination worked perfectly for Brianna, 24. “No guy I’d been with had ever gone down long enough for me to climax,” she says. “So before we had sex, I told my new boyfriend that I’d never come that way. He went down so enthusiastically, and for so long, that it was by far the best oral I’d ever had. I didn’t come for the first time, but I was so complimentary about his technique and energy that he kept at it, and soon I was orgasming that way regularly.”
Spoon for 15 minutes after sex
Research in the Archives Of Sexual Behaviour showed that post-orgasm contact is more important for relationship satisfaction than the actual sex bit. Even if your foreplay/position repertoire broke records (and possibly springs), the longer you’re intimate for afterward, the closer you’ll feel.
