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This article contains refers to domestic abuse, sexual abuse, and coercive controlling behaviours.
Holloway prison, the first female-only prison in the UK, could house 501 women and girls at full capacity. Since its closure in 2016, the site has slipped into dereliction, leaving few traces of the extraordinary stories contained within its walls.
It's estimated that more than half of women in prison report having suffered domestic violence, with 53% of women reporting having experienced emotional, physical or sexual abuse as a child. And yet, women in prison are often deeply stigmatised, from offensive representations in TV and film to voyeuristic narratives perpetuated in mainstream politics.
For International Women's Day 2023, a powerful exhibition (headed up by Power Play Productions and Aliyah Ali from Daddyless Daughters) aims to change these outdated perceptions.
LAYERS: Looking Inside Holloway Prison is an immersive art installation featuring photographs and films shot at the dilapidated HMP Holloway site in north London, with contributions by 30 former prisoners: 29 women and one man, who transitioned after leaving the prison.
As part of the exhibition, Emily, an ex-prisoner at Holloway prison, returned to the site as a free woman to reflect on her experience with the criminal justice system. During her return to Holloway prison, Emily wrote a letter to her daughter, who was only four when she was first imprisoned. Emily has kindly agreed to share that letter with GLAMOUR, which you can read below.
To reiterate the importance of Emily's story being told in her own words, we've reproduced her letter without making significant edits. You can read it here:
To My Beautiful Baby girl.
I'm writing this letter to you as I feel it’s necessary for you to read the things I have experienced. I want to be able to take this traumatic time of my life and turn it into something positive [and to] help and educate other young women and the most important one is YOU!
As you know, when you were 4 years old I was sent to prison. I knew you would miss me because it was always “US”, but the fact that you would then have to have therapy as a child in order for you to make sense of the way that you were feeling is still something that breaks my heart.
See, when you’re in school they teach you Math, English, and Science, but no one teaches you about healthy and unhealthy relationships. I had known that abusive [relationships] exist but I always thought it was from a physical perspective, I wasn’t aware that, in fact, it can also be psychological and emotional abuse.
In the beginning of my relationship everything was ‘perfect’ he was supportive, understanding, complimentary, everything that you would love for in a relationship. He pulled me in so that I would trust him, I would hang on to his every word. I became financially dependent on him, he isolated me from friends and family. He paid for my car and the home that we lived in at the time. He controlled every inch of my life and the idea of walking away was so daunting that I stayed.
He started bringing me along with him to meet his “friends” and would then ask me on another occasion if I could just pop there myself where I would pick up a bag for him. Before I knew it I was collecting large sums of money and delivering drugs for him. I knew what I was doing was wrong. Of course I did, but I was already in too deep.
It’s so easy for people who have never experienced such things to tell you ‘why don’t you just leave?’ but you become bound to this person by their ability to manipulate and control you. He broke me down into a version of myself that I didn’t recognise. He would call me fat, ugly, and tell me that no one would want me. He even started to become physical with me where he would punch me across the face because he didn’t like my attitude.
They chip away at you and you become just a shell of the person you once were. Then once they have spent time doing this they will treat you in the most amazing way, shower you with gifts and apologise for upsetting you. Then the “circle of abuse” starts again but as women we tend to hold onto the times where it was good. We believe him when he tells us he’s going to change, they never do. It’s who they are, controlling, manipulative, abusive, narcissistic individuals that thrive on making women feel this way, it does something for their ego.
A healthy relationship should lift you up, make you feel positive, inspired, loved and secure. You should never question your worth. You should be able to go on a night out with your girlfriends and not be accused of cheating. They should never make you feel anything less than a Queen.
My baby, I hope that by reading this letter it helps you to recognise and understand the warning signs as you form relationships. I don’t want you to feel upset by what I have gone through. I want you to look at your Mummy and feel inspired and proud to know that I am still her.
I love you more than anything in this world baby and I will always be there to help and guide you. I will be there to offer you advice from my lived experiences and remind you that there is nothing in this world that is out of your reach!
We are only limited to the limits of our own imagination!
Keep dreaming and believing baby, because anything is possible!
With hope,
Your Mummy x
The exhibition is now open at the Copeland Gallery in Peckham. Power Play Productions will also host a panel about the media's representation of women in prison on Friday, 10 March 2023. Click here for more information.
**For more information about emotional abuse and domestic violence, you can call The Freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge on 0808 2000 247. **
If you're worried someone might see you have visited this page, the Women's Aid website tells you how to cover your tracks online.**
We spoke with Ellie Wilson, a campaigner for justice reform, about her experience.
For more from Glamour UK's Lucy Morgan, follow her on Instagram @lucyalexxandra.
