Successful women have a tough time when it comes to dating, but why?
2023 has been the year of the celebrity breakup. From Taylor and Joe to Dalton and Ariana, the relationships of the rich and famous have never felt more precarious. But what if the summer of splits is more than just another celebrity phenomenon?
Most of the year’s high-profile separations feature one unifying factor, a hugely successful woman. Crucially, a woman more successful than her male partner. In the case of Taylor Swift for example, its alleged that her 5-year romance with actor Joe Alwyn came to an end as he grew uncomfortable with her record breaking but gruelling ‘Eras Tour’ schedule, willing her instead to commit to wifely solitude. The lyrics of her 2022 hit ‘Midnight Rain’, rumoured to be about the breakup, tell us as much.
“He wanted a Bride// I was making my own name // chasing that fame” sings Taylor, a sentiment which, if internet whispers are to be believed, mirrors the deterioration of fellow pop princess Ariana Grande’s relationship with estranged husband Dalton Gomez. Ariana and Dalton’s marriage was said to unravel when lockdown restrictions eased as the world returned to normal and Ariana to her adoring public. Reports cite sources who claim Dalton ‘found the pressures of Ariana's fame and demanding schedule too much to handle.’
Instagram content
You’d be forgiven for thinking that being ‘too successful’ to find love was a problem reserved solely for the rich and famous. But even us more privately successful women, without several Grammy awards and legions of fans, find that their accolades become obstacles in a romantic context. In fact, Studies have shown that women of a ‘higher social status’ are much less likely to be successful in romantic relationships. Whilst researching this pattern, I uncovered the disturbing reality that it is relatively common for women to have experienced a partner who was uncomfortable with their success or worse, actively tried to sabotage it.
*Sarah, an international athlete and teacher from London told me her two-year relationship started to struggle once it became clear that her numerous achievements ‘overshadowed him massively’. Cracks began to show after ‘further advancements’ in her career demanded more of her time. In the end, their relationship became unviable as Sarah’s partner continued to demand time that she didn’t have, guilt-tripping her in the process.
Like Sarah, Ellie Phillips, who works as a TV presenter and Showbiz journalist, has an accomplished career which places certain demands on her time. Her ex-partner ‘could not handle’ her being in the limelight. “He hated when celebrities would say hi to me, or on red carpets where photographers would want pictures of me without him” she continued. As the ‘strange jealously and resentment’ harboured by Ellie’s ex grew he began to act out, deliberately attempting to obstruct her progress. She explained “he started trying to control what I wore, getting me to cover up more and more in a bid to try and reduce the attention I would get. He would also message constantly when I was at events asking who I was talking to and why, requiring specific regular updates and timings on my movements.”
Ellie’s achievements eventually became a source of strife within her relationship, yet her success was originally alluring to him. “At first, he loved it because he could tell his friends his girlfriend was on telly. If I’m honest I think my job was one of the main things that he initially found most attractive about me” she shared. US based journalist Amelia* experienced a similar phenomenon during a year long previous relationship. “Early in our relationship, he would say how he was so proud of the work I was accomplishing, the community I was building and my generous spirit,” she shared. But that pride quickly turned to envy as her profile grew.
In the first instance, the opportunity to bask in their girlfriends’ ‘halo effect’ can be appealing. But for some men, that bubble pops the moment a woman’s success threatens to surpass their own and they scramble to catch up by any means necessary. For Amelia, her bubble popping moment came when she landed her first major interview with a media outlet in her city. Her partner’s cold response caused “such a weird energy exchange” that it impacted how she shared her accomplishments online in the future.
Sex and relationship therapist Rhian Kivits regularly sees this dynamic arise in sessions with couples. Some men, she explains, “find themselves affirmed and validated by the idea that they’re able to secure a relationship with a successful woman”. According to Rhian, the balance can shift when the man perceives that he is being upstaged. “Problems can arise when the woman’s success surpasses the man’s, and he feels like his own deficits are being exposed” she added.
Imbalanced achievement always adds a layer of challenge to relationships, but that’s not what is happening here. All but one of the G7 leaders are married to women with lower global profiles and the same is true for male CEOs, professors, and athletes the world over. This specific crisis of envy within romantic relationships disproportionately affects men. Clinical psychologist Dr Sarah Bishop attributes much of this to society’s deeply ingrained patriarchal principles: “Historically society has placed a higher value on men’s achievements and the norm has been male dominance. Whether the man likes it or not, he may have internalised these messages – leading to feelings of discomfort when a female partner is more successful” she explains.
Finding the right man might be harder for successful women, but it certainly isn’t impossible. After leaving her jealous ex, Ellie met her husband who she’s been with for seven years and assures me is “nothing but supportive of her career”. To become genuinely supportive partners, men must first do the work to overcome the ways they are socialised to view female achievement as a threat. As Dr Sarah Bishop notes “Self reflection is key. Understanding the insecurities and taking responsibility to work on them is vital.”
