If you've never heard of the orgasm gap, there's a significant chance you've experienced it first-hand. The term generally refers to sex between cisgender men and women, during which men are substantially more likely to climax, however, it has repercussions for people of all genders and sexualities. Enter: Oloni.
Oloni is the sex and relationships expert that every single one of us needs in our lives. She regularly brings Twitter to a standstill by opening her DMs for people – usually women or other marginalised genders – to share their wildest sexual experiences. And we mean wild.
It makes sense then that Oloni has written a book – titled The Big O: An Empowering Guide to Loving, Dating and F*cking – which contains all the tools we need to drastically improve our sex life through education and empowerment. Here, Oloni speaks to GLAMOUR about being the UK's number one sex and relationships guru, as well as providing a sneak peek into the book itself:
GLAMOUR: Hi Oloni! It's great to chat with you about your new book, The Big O. How would you describe the process so far?
Oloni: It's been surreal. When I talk about sex, it's for my own enjoyment; it's to educate; it's to debunk; it's to allow women to understand they're allowed to talk about [sex] without it making them look a certain way. You should find pleasure, joy, and interest in talking about sex – not only for arousal but for the educational aspect. That's why I enjoyed talking about sex, so for me to get a publishing deal felt surreal.
Why do you think female pleasure continues to be such a stigmatised topic?
We [women] have always been taught that sex isn't something for us; it's something that men do to us. When we look at sex in that way, there are so many stories that get left behind, including people from LGBTQ backgrounds, which is very dangerous. I would say that's mainly why female pleasure hasn't been one of the biggest conversations when it comes to sex. It's happening now, bit by bit, but there's still so much room for improvement. It's definitely to do with the patriarchy – of course – and the history of sexuality, and so on.
What was your main goal in writing The Big O?
My main goal is to make sure that women are having the sex that they deserve. And that they're knowledgable about the sex they deserve, as well. I wanted to empower women to learn about how to initiate the sex that they want and to be knowledgeable about the historical aspect and psychology of sex. I wanted to provide some entertainment as well! In the work that I do, I try to talk about sex as something which can be fun – something that women shouldn't shy away from.
In British culture, we all have a stiff upper lip regarding sex, we're having it, but we're not talking about it. If we have it but don't talk about it, we're left with a bunch of women who have no clue what they're doing – and not just women, men as well. This isn't a book just for women; it's for men too. I would prefer it if more cis hetero men who picked up the book than women – I wouldn't be mad about that – because the orgasm gap refers to the disparities between cis hetero men and cis hetero women: women are not getting the same amount of orgasms as men.
Time to get 'cliterate'.
If readers could take away just one thing from your book, what would you want that to be?
It would be that everyone – men, women, non-binary people – should have sex how they want to have sex, not how society has historically dictated how they should have sex, to have sex for themselves, not because they feel it will keep them in a relationship, or sex that makes them worry about being slut-shamed. I want people to have sex that makes them feel good about themselves.
If you were elected ‘Minister for Sexual Health’ (why isn't that a thing?), what's the first thing you'd change about the UK's attitude to sexual health and wellbeing?
It would definitely be conversations around consent. I go to schools and have conversations with kids about consent – many people assume I'm there to talk directly about sex. We receive and give consent in so many different ways, and I feel like if kids in secondary school have a basic understanding of consent, it would definitely protect them in the future, including in other aspects of their lives, such as setting boundaries with family and friends.
Conversations around consent also tap into our understanding of what healthy relationships look like. When you're a teenager, and you're growing up – especially as a woman – we're taught that sex is something we give to a guy so that he wants to stay with us or be with us. Obviously, when you get older, you realise that's just nonsense, but it takes us time to unlearn that. And we shouldn't have to be unlearning something like that. We should know what healthy relationships look like, as well as how to spot the signs of being in a relationship where someone is manipulating or gaslighting you.
And we need to teach young girls about female pleasure. I don't think we were ever taught about female pleasure growing up, and it's such a sad thing because there's beauty in female pleasure.
There sure is. If you're ready for more, here's an extract from Oloni's new book, The Big O: An Empowering Guide to Loving, Dating and F*cking, which is released today:
Orgasms are one of the most intense and euphoric feelings we can experience. In fact, the French have a term for it called la petite mort, which translates as ‘the little death’, meaning a ‘brief loss or weakening of consciousness'.
Today it’s used to mean ‘the sensation of post-orgasm as likened to death’, which in a way makes sense as an orgasm can make you feel as though you have been reborn! They are the peak of the sexual response cycle, the point when all that delicious sexual tension is finally released. Your heart rate will speed up, your muscles will contract, and you may find yourself breathing shallower and faster, too. People with a penis will likely experience ejaculation, and almost all of us will have some sort of involuntary reaction, whether it’s making incoherent noises, screwing up our face, curling our toes, grabbing the sheets or just screaming, ‘Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!’
Your brain will also release the happy hormones dopamine and oxytocin, the latter of which is linked to increased social bonding (which is why you sometimes feel extra loved-up after you cum).
How you orgasm and what helps get you there will be pretty individual to you. Over the years, I’ve seen lots of people claim there are different kinds of orgasms and give tips on how to achieve them, but when it comes to scientific research, the jury’s out on whether there actually are distinct ‘types’ of orgasm or whether we just experience them at different intensities and alongside different sensations. Personally, I don’t think it really matters. What matters is that you feel empowered to explore your body and figure out what feels good to you.
There are people out there who jizz just from doing crunches in the gym, but that doesn’t mean we all have to aim for that (and thank God, because I, for one, am happy to keep my workout and my sex life separate). If you’re someone who cums just from nipple play or from anal sex or from cervical stimulation, great! Keep doing your thing. But if you’ve never experienced orgasms from these activities, there’s really no need to worry or to feel like you have to figure out how (unless you want to, of course – experimenting can be hot in itself, even if it doesn’t result in an orgasm).
Whether you’re into sexy stories, masturbation tutorials, or straight-up moaning.
Sometimes, the feeling that we need to be ticking off a bucket list of orgasms can actually make it harder for us to experience even one. Focusing too hard on the orgasm itself can sometimes do everything but bring you to an orgasm. So instead of trying to rush yourself to the finish line, enjoy being in the moment of arousal.
And never put pressure on yourself to orgasm if it’s just not happening, as stressing yourself out about it is almost guaranteed to make the possibility disappear! And remember that sometimes it takes patience and a lot of practice. And that’s no bad thing. When we stay in the moment, we can enjoy the practice just as much as the ‘final performance’.
One tip to help stop your brain from worrying, and increase your chances of orgasm, is to allow your imagination to take over. Yep, I’m talking about using fantasies during sex. Think that sounds weird? It’s not! Lots of women do it, so let’s normalise it. In fact, a 2014 study found that women who’d had erotic thoughts during sex had a higher chance of climaxing. When sexual wellness platform OMGYES.com partnered up with Indiana University and world-famous sex research hub the Kinsey Institute, to look into how women achieve orgasm, they found that a huge percentage use something called ‘framing’ – which often takes the form of fantasising.
Should an orgasm be the barometer of enjoyable sex? In one of the orgasm-gap studies I mentioned earlier, researchers wrote that, ‘Our decision to treat orgasm as a central measure of the quality of young women’s sexual experiences may be controversial. Some might see this decision as flowing from male-centred and medicalized views of sex and argue that women are not particularly concerned about orgasm’ – and while I understand this disclaimer, why can’t we treat an orgasm as a central measure? Imagine if cis men were having sex and never got to nut. Would that sex even count in their eyes?
That’s not to say that you can’t enjoy sex without climaxing, because you can, you really can; it’s just about being honest about your desires and not feeling as though you should have to settle sexually. No one should. We should all be enjoying intimacy and leaving the bedroom satisfied, knowing we had sex with someone who understands our pleasure and cares enough to help us reach the highest form of it.
This is an extract from The Big O: An Empowering Guide to Loving, Dating and F*cking by Oloni, out now, published by HarperNonFiction.
