Netflix's Sweet Bobby documentary spoilers ahead.
The mind-blowing story behind new Netflix documentary Sweet Bobby is many things: it's the UK's longest-known catfishing scam and the subject of a huge hit podcast, which hit over a million listeners globally.
But it's also a chilling reminder of the manipulation of consent and coercive control that comes with catfishing – and, most crucially, how it changed the life of Kirat Assi when she was subjected to what is now called “romance fraud” by someone she thought she knew and loved for the best part of a decade. And she's not the only one.
“I'm the one who has put myself in the firing line, and it's not easy,” she tells GLAMOUR, explaining that she doesn't want all victims to be subjected to the shame and trolling she has received from stepping up and telling her story. “I know there are other victims who haven't spoken up, but what matters is there ARE other victims.” Kirat adds that she hopes Sweet Bobby will help others who have faced catfishing, stalking and coercive control to come forward.
What to know about Netflix's terrifying catfishing documentary.
Catfishing is not currently illegal in the UK – stories of its impact have been told through various pop culture offerings such as recent Netflix documentary The Tinder Swindler, festive film Love Hard and Catfish, an MTV reality show where “catfishers” meet the people they lied to. The latter in particular feeds into the trivialisation of catfishing – branding it as a form of entertainment instead of a form of manipulation and abuse – leading to it victims not getting the support they deserve.
“It's such a throwaway phrase now,” Kirat says. “It doesn't even mean what it meant five years ago. Now, someone's a catfish if they haven't done their makeup and look different to what you expect. I call my experience online entrapment, because I couldn't get out of the situation.”
Kirat's story began in 2009, when she began a friendship with a man she believed to be Dr Bobby Jandu, a well-respected cardiologist who belonged to the same part of the Sikh community that she did. Over the years, they both had different partners but maintained a close bond.
The relationship became romantic, and with it came dramatic excuses as to why they couldn't meet – including Bobby's apparent participation in the witness protection programme – and the dynamic became more and more controlling and coercive, with Kirat's efforts to stay available for her online lover leading her to stress, weight loss and burnout.
In the end, she asked a private investigator to find the man who was now her fiancé. What she discovered was beyond her wildest dreams, or nightmares. She came face to face with Bobby, who said he'd never spoken to her before in his life – we even meet the real Bobby in the documentary, seeing his experience of being impersonated. But the ultimate victim, of course, was and is Kirat – a family member had been pretending to be Bobby all that time.
Following a civil action in 2020, the first of its kind in relation to catfishing, Kirat received a private apology and payout, and has since reopened the case with the police. Now, she wants to raise awareness in the hopes that the way catfishing and coercive control is handled and talked about – in her own community, wider society and in the criminal justice system.
On the eve of the documentary's drop on Netflix, GLAMOUR sat down with Kirat and Sweet Bobby director Lyttanya Shannon to talk about the potential the story has to affect change for victims, as well as challenging how we speak about and deal with catfishing and coercive control.
GLAMOUR: Lyttanya, what drew you to Kirat's story, as a director?
Lyttanya: When I heard Kirat on the podcast, and then later when I spoke to her, I thought she was an incredible narrator and storyteller. She was able to immediately bring you into her experience, even though it had happened quite a while ago that in itself, was really inspirational. Also her motivation, which was to try to reverse the shame that people who've had experiences like hers feel, and I empathised and related to that.
GLAMOUR: The documentary highlights how catfishing is an issue of consent – in that a relationship is built without elements of it being consented to. Was that a big part of the story you wanted to tell?
Lyttanya: It was incredibly important. As Kirat says in the film, catfishing is there for onlookers to be entertained by. And what's the word? It's schadenfreude, where people sit and ridicule people who experience this kind of thing. It's an emotional intrusion and invasion.
People forget that catfishing is about intruding and manipulating someone against their will. And I think what's great about the film is that it has the opportunity to show that. People forget the seriousness of the consequences that come with experiencing something like this.
Kirat: People don't realise that the consent is given to the person that you think you're speaking to, not the person behind that. When I went to the police, I had to explain it in a crude way – it was the only way it got understood.
GLAMOUR: How has reliving the story impacted you?
Kirat: I don't think I've stopped living it since it happened, to be honest. Every step of the way, there's been an obstacle, whether it's the police, the civil case, whether it's been the way the podcast happened, the stuff that happened after the podcast. Reopening the police case, every step of the way has been an absolute nightmare, that I don't think I've ever stopped reliving it.
The trolling I received with the [Sweet Bobby] trailer was awful. It's very clear that people don't understand the nature of what coercive control is and how debilitating it is. And I don't think people have understood how quickly the coercive control happened once I was in a romantic relationship.
What needs to change about how coercive control is talked about and dealt with by the police? We know that catfishing isn't illegal…
Kirat: I've been told that we don't need a coercive control law, because laws exist. For me, I then argue, if you know what laws exist to manage coercive control, when somebody goes into a police station and reports their crime, the police station, the police officer behind the desk needs to say, ‘okay, this is catfishing’ and know how to deal with it immediately.
If they don't know if it's a problem, in order to educate our police force and how these things work, we need to consider having a coercive control and catfishing law just to make it easier to prosecute and for people to have a fear of being prosecuted.
Catfishing itself isn't illegal. It's okay for people to do it. It's as simple as that… So many friends, so many well-known people in my friend circle, have had it happen to them, and obviously they wouldn't dare come out in the open… The more people speak up about their experiences, the more you realise it is a problem and that it harms people.
How do you hope the Sweet Bobby story helps other catfishing victims in terms of support?
Lyttanya: From the beginning, Kirat was really clear that there wasn’t enough legal framework that would bring people who do things like this to justice, and she experienced a lot of disbelief when she first approached the police, and the stress and the emotional burden that caused. As a filmmaker, I definitely always want to do something that will spark some thought and ignite a wider conversation, and I hope that the film brings this back into public consciousness and at least start to or reignites a discussion around this.
What needs to change and be addressed for the conversation around catfishing to move along?
Kirat: One is the policing and justice system here, so the law and how the police deal with it. And then you've got internet regulation and the institutions online – like Meta and Skype, all those organisations and the responsibility they have.
The next thing is people not understanding what coercive control is – that's a really important one. And the final issue is the fact is how this happens in minority communities, and the elements of that that wider society doesn't understand.
Netflix has given me a wider platform to reach more people, so that helps reach more people, and that's the only reason I agreed to do it, I wasn't out there going, I want to do a documentary… But I don't see myself as an activist. I don't see myself as giving up the rest of my life to lead a campaign. I've lost a lot of my life. But I've always enjoyed what I've done, and I will always speak on this, I'll always support people.
This interview was edited and condensed for clarity.
Sweet Bobby: My Catfish Nightmare is available to watch now on Netflix.
What the experts say:
“Catfishing creates a false sense of security and a fake romantic connection, which is manipulative and harmful, and compromises consent,” Rebecca Hitchen, Head of Policy & Campaigns at the End Violence Against Women Coalition (EVAW) tells GLAMOUR. "It enables perpetrators to hide red flags and warning signs of abuse and coercive control.
“We need to see dating apps and other tech companies taking strong actions to stop their services being used to harm women. But until the law requires them too, these companies will continue to prioritise their profits over women’s safety.”
