We're all aware, in this modern day and age, that the digital technology that sometimes connects us can often do the opposite, driving rifts between us. This is true everywhere from the problematic nature of dating apps to, it seems, our closest relationships, as new research sheds light on a modern phenomenon called “phubbing”.
What is phubbing?
Phubbing, for the uninitiated, is a portmanteau of “phone” and “snubbing” – in other words, when you ignore a friend or significant other in favour of your digital device. New research has found this can pose a substantial blow to your marriage.
That's according to scientists at Nigde Omer Halisdemir University, who proved in a new study published in journal Computers in Human Behaviour that a high rate of “phubbing” correlates with lower levels of marital satisfaction.
In the research, co-authored by Suat Kılıçarslan and İzzet Parmaksız, the team assessed 712 married adults (347 females and 365 males) from cities in the Central Anatolian region of Turkey to assess the relationship between their “phubbing” tendencies and their levels of marriage satisfaction (judged by linked factors such as effective listening, empathy and self revelation).
How can we navigate this without losing friends, or our minds?
In this study, phubbing was defined as “individuals' ignoring the other person and concentrating on their smartphones while using smartphones in social environments”.
What does phubbing mean for your relationship?
The researchers investigated the negative effects of this behaviour, for instance a “disappointment” on the part of an individual receiving the “phub” (ie, being ignored in favour of their partner's phone.
“Individuals may have some expectations such as making eye contact, resting effectively and receiving feedback during mutual communication,” the authors write. However, in the case of phubbing, these expectations are not met, causing the phubbed partner to experience “negative emotions” and consider their partners “rude and negligent”. This can lead to “more conflict and less intimacy in relationships”.
“In this study, it was determined that phubbing behaviours of married individuals predicted marital satisfaction negatively and significantly,” reads the report's conclusion – unsurprisingly.
According to Hilda Burke, a psychotherapist, couples counsellor and author of The Phone Addiction Workbook, “phubbing” is a practice that comes up often in her therapy sessions.
"Attention is the most precious resource in our modern era, where we’ve never had so many distractions: things vibrating, beeping, pulsating at us all the time. It’s a topic that often comes up with couples I work with: frustration over their partners being distracted by their phones. I have one client who said the only time his phone was off was during therapy – he left it on vibrate while he slept. I’ve also worked with clients who’ve taken calls when they’ve had sex."
The reason this is so uniquely emotive? It all comes down to childhood, adds Burke: “The first way we knew we were loved as babies was having eye contact with our primary caregiver. There’s something in us that craves that connection to feel loved beyond words, beyond gifts, beyond actions. Without this attention, we feel unloved and neglected."
How to deal with phubbing in a relationship
So how to navigate phubbing in a relationship? Burke advises communication above all. “Discuss with your partner, for instance, if you want to keep phones aside while you're having dinner. Find our what those boundaries are.”
The other useful thing, she adds, is “modelling” the behaviour you expect to receive. “If you want that attention from your partner then you show them how it’s done by being mindful of how you use yours". This can be handy advice if you and your partner are guilty of what's known as “double phubbing” which is – you guessed it – both ignoring each other at the same time while you sit on your phones together.
Another tip comes from journalist Claire Cohen, who – addressing the subject on Woman's Hour this week – described how her and her husband resolved to leave their phones on charge in the kitchen downstairs during bedtime in order to avoid the “phubbing” trap affecting the quality of their marriage.
Our romantic relationships aren't the only ones that suffer from phubbing. A previous study found that anti-social phone usage around anyone you share a one-on-one social situation with “significantly and negatively affect” your relationship.
What to do if you're a phubber
What about if you're reading this and thinking, “I'm the phubber”? It may well be a sign to tend to your own mental health, some research has shown. As a 2021 University of Georgia study found, if you often find yourself “phubbing” those around you, it might be a sign of social anxiety and/or depression.
That said, it might be simply a routine behaviour you need to address, rather than a mental health warning, suggests Burke – “Like smoking a cigarette, phubbing can simply be a habit that’s got out of hand”. Whichever way, whether it's out of concern for yourself and/or the feelings of your loved ones, if you find yourself phubbing frequently, hopefully this eye-opening research will give you food for thought.
It’s not easy, but we’re in a better place now…
