It would be so simple, wouldn't it? Your partner lets you down by being late yet again, or makes a not-so-kind comment about what you're wearing, and rather than trying to temper your feelings, see their side of things or communicate in the most perfect, tied-up-with-a-ribbon way possible, you simply react as your boss might: and put them on a performance review.
OK, it might sound bonkers, but with our work and personal lives increasingly blending into one another – see also: this recent research on work love languages, and how tuning into your colleagues' might work – using the framework of professional performance reviews is a strategy some are adopting for their relationships.
‘Please provide a one to two sentence explanation as to why.’
It's the subject of a trending Twitter video, from an apparently ex-Google employee called Pam, who tells her followers that her boyfriend has been put on “probation”. In the speaking-to-camera clip, Pam tells the Twitterverse how she's “PIPed” her boyfriend. For the benefit of those “not in tech”, she unpicks the acronym: “Performance Improvement Plan…It's what you get put on when they're about to fire you”.
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The PIP came about because the couple were having “issues” and on their “last straw”, before Pam came up with the relationship-saving strategy. “He's an engineer and sometimes it's really hard to communicate with him without using something he can already relate to”.
So how did this work in practice? Apparently, Pam assigned a set of “daily and weekly tasks”, plus “a set of things that he needed to work on”, and it “worked really well”. The couple have also, apparently, integrated a Kanban board (for the uninitiated, another project management from, you guessed it, the workplace) where Pam lists tasks for her other half, which he then does successfully. If it works for them…
A more spoof-y take on the “relationship contract” has simultaneously surfaced on TikTok, in the form of the “Boyfriend Pyramid”. The video series features a group of couple friends, going through a weekly “BF Pyramid of the Week” where the respective male partners are ranked from best to worst. The review assesses the boyfriends' weekly actinos ranging from being absent from the review (a black mark, putting him at the bottom of the pyramid ranking) to “top-tier” actions such as that of Logan (top of the pyramid) who changed his girlfriend Talia's car tyres.
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So is this a good, or ruinous, idea for a relationship? According to Dr Marianne Trent, clinical psychologist and founder of Good Thinking Psychology, a relationship performance review might not be such a terrible idea.
She says: “Professional reviews increase accountability and also help people personally and professionally to be able to exert control over the outcome of events. Couple’s therapy will often give people specific homework tasks to work though to help improve communication and to interact differently with one another to help meet both people’s needs. It seems that the social media trend might be demonstrating a really important reminder that it is safe for us to recognise our needs and to ask for them to be met.” So there you have it.
Can you relate?
It is crucial, however, that both parties are on board. That's according to Desiree Silverstone, a psychotherapist turned executive coach at Head Honchos.
“It isn’t a one way exercise. It involves mutuality in order for it to stand a chance of working: a mutually respectful contract between the couple about what they want and what that would look like for them.”
Practically, this might involve asking the following questions:
- What does each partner want?
- What does that look like?
- What is the “why” behind the request for wanting something to change?
- What does the contracting look like?
- How often do they want to review things?
Silverstone agrees with Trent that these relationships show a healthy relationship intervention, similar to how a therapy session might go: “What I see happening in these videos is that these couples have made an intervention on their own accord. Their relationships are in a place which is healthy and both parties are willing to put in the effort.”
I’ve never felt more committed, happy, or loved.
And what if it is one-sided? This is where problems arise, Silverstone believes: “Doing this kind of thing under duress isn’t going to work. All it will do is make one or both of the people unhappy. No one wants to feel judged and castigated. It causes bitterness and upset.”
Finally, she warns: “You can’t change people. People need to change because they want to. Encouragement, mutuality and respect are the only way to achieve healthy relationships.”
So there you have it. A “performance review” might just be the honest intervention your relationship needs – but only if you're both prepared to take a hard look at yourselves and your behaviour, together with your partner's needs and feelings.
