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In the world of reality dating, there's nothing more damning to a relationship than ‘the ick.’ For the past few years, participants on Love Island, Love Is Blind, MAFS UK and every other show for singles have come to see ‘the ick' as the death knell for a potential relationship. But now, a new term has entered the chat: ‘the spark’. While people used to be more concerned about noticing when they were turned off, now, it seems more and more singles are happy to stick it out – even if they're not actually turned on. The basic line of thinking seems to be, as long as you don't actually have the ick, it's ok if you don't have the spark.
It's a tepid, limp kind of approach to dating – with a non-committal shrug of the shoulders and a defeated sigh, singles on televisions everywhere seem to be settling in for a slow burn as they patiently wait for that elusive ‘spark’ to suddenly appear.
On this season of MAFS UK, for instance, there's Paul, who wanted to continue in his relationship with Anita, despite her feeling no spark. Leigh and Leah were a similar case. The experts encouraged them all to keep trying, suggesting that the spark would come. Meanwhile, in the current season of Love Is Blind, there's Joe, who, although he didn't find his match Madison attractive, seemed willing to wait around in case that changed.
Seeing more and more singles seeking something different on reality TV begs the question: are we all too focused on “the spark”? Do you really need a spark for a good relationship? And just how long should we be willing wait for it?
Happily ever after? Or crumbling on the experts' couch?
Of course, the concept of the spark is nothing new. Whether we call it fireworks, love at first sight or chemistry, the human race has been talking about it since… well… forever. Angela Vossen, a Sex and Relationship Coach, describes it as a “rush of attraction, chemistry and excitement.” It is, in scientific terms, nothing more than a burst of hormones — a potent concoction of dopamine (signalling pleasure and reward), norepinephrine (delivering energy), and serotonin (the happy hormone). In other words, it feels really good. It's the body's way of telling you “yes, you want to be with this person.”
In normal circumstances, we tend to rely on the spark to tell us that, you know, we're into someone, at least on a physical level, before we put the time and energy into getting to know them on a deeper level. Interestingly, however, popular dating shows seem to be encouraging their participants to forget about the spark and to focus instead on building the deeper connection first and trusting that the spark will come later. After all, these shows are framed as “experiments” that offer a different approach than can be found in the real world where potential relationships are often dismissed in no more than a millisecond with a quick swipe. And many of the people who find themselves on these shows seem eager to try something new. In fact, they often note that their reliance on initial spark hasn't exactly served them well in the past.
According to Vossen, an over-reliance on the spark is all-too common in the modern world.
"In today's fast-paced dating landscape – especially online dating apps like Tinder and Bumble where swipes are based on split-second judgments on profile photos and flirty headlines – people are more likely to rely on and even demand a quick spark," she notes. “The abundance of options and the dopamine rush of likes and flirty chats tend to drive us towards seeking instant gratification. If that immediate chemistry isn't there on the first date, many move on to the next ‘match’ without giving it a chance to develop.”
It's a reasonable ask, right?
However, our modern approach may be all wrong. There are plenty of great relationships that begin without a spark – relationships that “evolve from a quieter initial connection where attraction and sexual connection build over time.”
She adds, “Taking the time to get to know someone also enables you to discover whether there’s compatibility in interests, values, and lifestyle, which are more likely to lead to a longer-term fulfilling relationship than those where the only thing you have is a sexual spark.”
In fact, some people actually need that deeper connection before that can feel a spark. "Some people describe themselves as ‘demisexual’ which means that their attraction and desire for someone only comes when they feel there’s a deeper connection and they’ve got to know one another a bit."
Vossen even warns that relying too heavily on the spark can get us into relationship trouble further down the line. “Relationships that develop from a strong spark of erotic connection can blind us to ‘red flags’ or more subtle signs that this person isn’t really ‘right’ for us,” she notes. “Before we know it, we can find ourselves in a sexual and, possibly, romantic relationship, which can make us feel bonded to someone who in other respects isn’t a great match for us.”
It was a “dream” wedding, after all.
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All of that said, it's not as though the spark is completely meaningless – and trying to ignore a total lack of attraction isn't going to help anyone. “If there's zero attraction or interest from the outset, forcing it rarely works,” she says. "While it’s true that some place lower importance on sexual attraction and sexual compatibility, most people are seeking someone who they feel that spark of connection with alongside other aspects like friendship. So, the key is distinguishing between a slow burn and a complete fizzle— focus on whether the person intrigues you enough to explore further, rather than chasing Hollywood-style thunderclaps and lightning."
And don't be discouraged: a spark can develop over time. “A spark can emerge later for several reasons, tied to emotional, psychological or circumstantial factors. Initially, nerves, past traumas, or external stressors – like work pressure or recent breakups – might dampen that immediate attraction, creating a guarded dynamic,” she explains. "As trust builds and vulnerability increases, so does intimacy, which can ignite passion that's been simmering beneath the surface. Shared experiences – be that going on
different types of dates with someone or even going through a challenge together – can foster deeper connections that translate into romantic or sexual chemistry. Sometimes we meet someone who isn’t our usual ‘type’ and it takes a while for the feeling of attraction to creep up on us."
Ok, so just how long should we wait for a spark before calling it quits? Take Sarah and Dean from MAFS, who continually complained of no spark but kept sticking it out until the experts subtly told them to throw in the towel.
“There's no one-size-fits-all timeline, but as a general guideline, give it 3-6 dates or a few weeks of consistent interaction before deciding if the spark will ignite. This allows time for initial awkwardness to fade and genuine compatibility to reveal itself without dragging things out indefinitely,” Vossen suggests. “If after that period you're still feeling platonic or unexcited – despite open communication and effort from both sides — it's probably wise to move on, as forcing chemistry rarely leads to satisfaction.”
She suggests asking yourself these questions before deciding whether it's time to stop waiting for a spark: “Are you enjoying their company? Is there mutual appreciation and curiosity? If yes, a little waiting can pay off, but don't wait forever – life's too short for lukewarm connections.”
Your next cosy autumn bingewatch, sorted
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