I remember my mother, throughout my childhood, talking on the phone almost daily with my paternal grandparents. She organised meals with them. She bought their birthday and Christmas presents. She reminded my father to call. Time passed, and my parents separated. But by then, my father's family was already like a second family to my mother. After all, she'd put in the hours. I've since learned that all of this has a name: introducing the kinkeeper.
The kinkeeper is seen as "family members who help enable and assist family communication, plan family gatherings, and help the family keep in touch," per Psychology Today. What a nice role – the glue holding together personal relationships! Right? Well, yes, but at times like Christmas, it can be just one more thing that adds to the mental burden that tends to fall disproportionately on women.
I had not even considered that all of the mothers, grandmothers and aunts who were doing the work of being the ‘family glue’ had a name.
Christmas Eve theft, exes gone awry, and a woman dressed as Santa. All this and more are part of the streamer’s holiday offerings this year.
The kinkeeper often takes on an invisible (but no less exhausting) role. She takes responsibility for keeping in constant contact with family and friends. Calls, messages, an updated agenda of birthdays and important events. Just as my mother was in charge of reminding her ex-husband when his mother's birthday was, thousands of women continue to do the same with those closest to their own partners.
This role also extends to personal relationships. In addition to managing and scheduling meetings, the kinkeeper actively participates in them. She knows everyone's personal circumstances, talks to everyone, and, in short, is on the ball. All of this mental effort is a burden and leaves her – well – tired. And during the Christmas holidays, with so many family members around, this can turn into exhaustion.
The visible work of the kinkeepers is one thing that is noticeable. Buying and packaging the gifts takes time. Plus, there is the mental effort of choosing the best gift for each family member. Gifts for everyone (even for oneself, because how many kinkeepers have you seen taking care of their own Secret Santa?), preparing lunches and dinners, and activities to do with family and friends. It adds up.
Who decided that the role of kinkeeper belongs to us women? It is, of course, a symptom of the patriarchal culture that traditionally relegated women to household chores. The same culture that still has us fighting for co-responsibility in the home. The culture that leaves many men subconsciously assuming that their female counterparts will take care of all of the familial relationships.
Perhaps all of this has made you think about who the kinkeeper in your family is. And, if it's not you, perhaps you can not only support her, but also encourage others to do the same. If it is you, now is the time to ask for help, delegate and learn when to say no.
A version of this article originally appeared on Glamour (Spain).
