Sweet Chelsea, with a heart full of love and a head full of hope. Nothing illustrates what trying to save a drowning man looks like more than her tragic narrative in The White Lotus. By now, you may already know what that results in based on the finale of the nightmarish holiday drama but spoiler alert: it mostly ends with them dragging you to the depths alongside them.
I know a storyline on TV is hitting me when I reach for my phone and start recording the screen to post my deep appreciation of its dialogue on my Instagram story. “It’s like we’re in this yin and yang battle,” she said. Chelsea’s cherubic face is fixed in an optimistic expression as she describes why her emotionally unavailable partner Rick’s sadness touches her. “I’m hope, and Rick is pain. Eventually one of us will win.” Fans fell in love with Aimee Lou Wood's portrayal of Chelsea and her purity but also seemed to be lured in by Rick (despite his callousness) believing that his emotional unavailability betrays a deeper back story that shows his anger is based on wanting to feel the love he lost when his father died. Those who worship at the church of Rick probably think if he can be loved hard enough by Chelsea, he may stop yearning, and if he can feel this deeply then he has the capacity to experience joy with the same intensity. There are many moments in The White Lotus where the rich characters feel detached from our reality but this soliloquy was not one of them. Romanticise this dynamic at your own peril.
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Cinemaphiles named the trope ‘manic pixie dream girl’, a quirky woman with a zest for life who is tasked with helping the male protagonist wake from his disconnected and discontented slumber. Think Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Along Came Polly, and There’s Something about Mary. Sad boys like Kurt Cobain or Mr Darcy are kryptonite for hopeless romantics who are drawn into the fantastical idea of helping them realise their potential, and blossom into a joyful and magnetic version of themselves. This doesn’t just happen on screen. I’ve seen so many sunshine women get into relationships with grey overcast-cloud men.
Alice, 32, was first attracted to her sad ex because of his eloquence around how he was feeling. “He was a great raconteur, he wrote music,” she tells GLAMOUR. He expressed his melancholy in the songs he wrote, and after social situations where he had been the life and soul he would share his true feelings with her when they were alone. Even though there were so many conversations that you could describe as pessimistic, his ability to connect with his emotions also at least felt like depth.
“I felt like if I worked harder and absorbed articles and podcasts about depression that I could get enough information to help. I would ask my therapist questions on his behalf and he became reliant on me,” Alice remembers. While it might seem noble to become someone’s crutch there is a difference between offering support and making yourself the solution to someone’s mental health issues. Healing is also a deeply personal journey that never happens overnight. Instead of fixing his problems, Alice gained her own as the relationship began to change her perspective, she was so immersed in his world that she began to subconsciously absorb his pessimism. Admittedly she was left feeling drained.
When he was eventually diagnosed with depression Alice didn’t end the relationship because she didn’t want to feel like she was “abandoning” him, but was eventually relieved when he broke up with her to focus on himself. “It might’ve been ego and that I liked thinking of myself as someone’s saviour but I also genuinely believed he was emotionally mature enough to be receptive to being happier and that he just needed the right person in his life to help him get there.”
A relationship coach explains that trying to save someone – regardless of gender – is a one-way ticket to co-dependency. “Fixing isn’t love – and it doesn’t lead to real connection. Relationships grow when we support each other, not when one person takes on the responsibility to change the other.”
While it didn’t end with a gun fight in a Thailand resort, Alice’s story shares similarities with Chelsea’s in that the worry she had for her partner led to a constant state of anxiety. Ammanda Major is the Head of Clinical Practice at Relate and a trained relationship counsellor and sex therapist who explains to GLAMOUR that she deals with a lot of women who believe they can change their partner, and even feel that it is part of their attraction.
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While the bulk of this is likely to do with genuinely well-meaning feelings, like empathy and a desire to help, it is an oversimplification of complex problems and also an overestimation of their role in their partner’s lives. “You’re saying if you only did a, b, and c, then you would be OK.” Even though it might be hard for them to admit, it might not be about the other person at all.
“In therapy we discover that people who are very confident and outgoing see signs of sadness, defeat, and loneliness in another person and it speaks to something they find difficult to acknowledge in themselves,” Ammanda continues. “It’s almost appealing to be around someone who is expressing those traits you understand, and it can be a magnet because you’re almost dealing with those feelings you’re experiencing vicariously,” she says.
There are many internal issues you could be hiding by pouring all your attention into your sad boyfriend. If you’re someone who has fears of intimacy, it’s easier to focus on someone else’s emotions. Or if you have an anxious attachment style, those moments of joy from a sad person give you a rush of reassurance or validation.
Ammanda warns however that the highs of this dynamic are often short-lived. “The message you’re sending is that how you found them isn’t good enough, which is often frustrating for one and tiring for the other.”
What a triumph it would be to personally change someone's life outlook even if it does reveal a messiah complex or some latent inner trauma. It’s an idea that is well-meaning but it’s best to steer clear because if you approach relationships as if you’re an architect renovating a fixer-upper, you may be ignoring that the call is actually coming from inside the house. Back away from that broken man and call your therapist.
