I came across a satirical headline the other day. It read: “Wow! These people have been in the same friend group for ten years and have never had a one-on-one conversation.” I smirked in recognition, because that’s always what friend groups have felt like to me. At the times in my life when I’ve flirted with being part of a friend group, I’ve found group hangs fun (albeit overwhelming for an introvert with social anxiety), but mostly I’ve struggled with not feeling actually close with each member of the group. It’s like our friendship only existed if we were all there. I wouldn’t text these people outside of the group chat, and I wouldn’t have lunch alone with one of them, for example. So, whether by chance or by design, I’ve always gravitated towards one-to-one friendships instead.
This preference of mine, and my inability to function well in large friendship groups, has been the source of a lot of shame throughout my life. I was bullied over my appearance and general uncoolness in school and have always found the art of fitting in to be elusive. To this day, I struggle to leave a group event without obsessing over what kind of impression I made — and over whether any individual from the group would want to spend time with me by choice, and not just because I happened to be invited to the larger group hang.
Obviously, lots of people thrive as part of friend groups. To use friend group aficionada, Carrie Bradshaw’s famous phrase, I couldn’t help but wonder what it is that attracts some people to friend groups, while others like me are borderline allergic to them. Is it insecurity? Circumstance? Just a personality thing? Unsurprisingly, it turns out the answer is different for everyone — though there are patterns.
“Friendship groups are a more complex social structure to navigate,” says Dr. Lynsey Kelly, a clinical psychologist who specialises in friendship and relationship struggles. “This may be challenging for some individuals — there is a lot to think about in a group. You may have a different level of closeness with each person, which can make it tricky to know how to respond in a group setting.”
“Even when I wasn’t talking to anyone, I didn’t feel alone.”
That’s definitely been true for me, but for others, this is less of an issue with friend groups and more par for the course. Cristina Jerney, a 30-year-old who’s happily part of a friend group, says that the differing levels of closeness she has with each member of the group don’t bother her. “It’s nice to see everyone when I see them, and I feel happy that we all have strong individual relationships as well (even if every individual relationship may not be ‘equal’),” Cristina says. While she didn’t necessarily have an individual friendship with everyone in her friend group at first, over the years those have naturally blossomed.
“Groups are sometimes not the best way of accessing friendship for neurodivergent individuals who may prefer a different way of talking and relating, e.g. some neurodivergent people prefer to take turns talking in depth about one interest which tends to be less suited to a group,” says Dr. Kelly. Again, this rings particularly true for me: I identify as neurodivergent, and sometimes have the urge to cover my ears like a toddler if a lot of people are talking over one another.
But others have the opposite experience: Hannan Boufas, 30, has lots of one-to-one friendships, but would prefer to have a friend group — though, like so many of us, she finds it hard to make new friends as an adult. “I feel quite overwhelmed having to maintain a conversation in one-to-one relationships,” she says. “In groups I’m able to disengage from conversations if I’m feeling too over-socialised.” So it’s almost like the things I find overwhelming in friend groups are the things Hannan finds overwhelming in one-to-one situations, which just goes to show how differently people process situations.
Meanwhile, Dr. Kelly goes on to explain that friend groups can foster more conflict than one-to-one friendships (and therefore not be the best fit for those who are conflict-avoidant), and that they can also become competitive. “Even if the group is not directly competitive, we may struggle if we feel outside of the group norm and feel left out if for example, all our friends have now coupled up and we are the only single one left,” she says.
And then there’s our “social history” and what we associate groups with because of it, according to Dr. Kelly. “We are also affected by school where being in a friendship group can feel really important and experiences of marginalisation or bullying can be painful, which may set us up to be wary of groups,” she says.
I certainly identify with that, as does Katherine Igoe. “The gist is that I was bullied quite badly as a kid and I have always been suspicious of [friend groups],” she says. “But as an adult I'm an introvert who hates small talk, so I'd rather have a deep and meaningful conversation than try to navigate the politics of a group.” My thoughts exactly.
Friend groups, like any other friendship dynamic, are not all the same — and whether they lean more functional or dysfunctional can deeply affect an individual’s experience within them. “When we think about a ‘healthy’ friendship group, we might think about one that is open and accepting, that offers different things to different people, but is fundamentally built on a grounding of mutual respect and support,” says Georgina Sturmer, a BACP-registered counsellor whose work focuses on relationships and friendships. “By contrast, when we think about an ‘unhealthy’ friendship group, we might think about one that is built on insecurity and competition, where members are jostling for position and feel insecure about where they stand.” For obvious reasons, whether your experiences of friendship groups have historically leaned more healthy or unhealthy is guaranteed to inform how you feel about them now.
In general, there are some personality traits that make it more likely for a woman to enjoy group dynamics. For example, I consider myself an extroverted introvert, while Hannan says she’s an introverted extrovert, which may partially explain why she and I seek out opposite friendship dynamics. “Introversion and extroversion absolutely plays a role in terms of the type of friendships we seek, and whether the complexities of friendship groups have the power to recharge or drain our batteries,” says Sturmer.
In a world increasingly focused on romantic connection and hustle culture, friendship, especially adult friendship between women, often gets left behind.
Our attachment styles may be significant too, according to Sturmer. “A securely attached adult might feel equally comfortable and confident in the company of different types of friends,” she says. “By contrast, a dismissive/avoidant adult might keep themselves on the edge of a group, and push people away when they become too close. A preoccupied/ambivalent adult might insert themselves into groups and appear needy, as a way of trying to be included.”
At their best, friend groups offer their members a sense of belonging, community and support — and some of the stories I’ve heard while researching this article have almost made them sound attractive to me, which is really saying something if you’ve been reading this far. Jenn Shadd, 30, is part of a four-person friend group of women whom she, poetically, calls “beautiful buoys through all of it.” Gabriela Rosales, 33, says the friend groups she’s part of are like “chosen family.” Yatta Elizabeth, 25, is part of a three-person friend group of women with whom she’s always FaceTiming or swapping memes.
“My favourite thing is our judgement-free approach to friendship — nothing is TMI or off the table and I’m grateful to have a group of friends to speak to regardless of how weird or sensitive the topic might be,” she says. Lucy White, 37, has built a friend group of women from her knife and axe throwing hobby, which she loves not only because they can support one another in a male-dominated arena, but also because she feels she can be fully herself with them.
Ultimately, there are many ways to thrive in our friendships — whether those are in groups or one-to-one — and it’s important not to compare yours to those you see around you or in the media. “We are exposed to unrealistic ideals about friendships and blaming ourselves for not living up to these can be just as damaging as being lonely,” says Dr. Kelly. “The quality of friendship is much more important than the number of friends we have, or whether those are one-to-one or group relationships.” Neither is better or more noble; it’s just about finding what works for you. And that’s good news for my own pervasive shame around the types of friendships I’m able to maintain.
