1.) 7am – Oh shit, that's your alarm
Oh shit, it's Wednesday. OH SHIT, you have work at 9am.
2.) 7.04am – Check Insta. HOW many Jägerbombs are on that tray?!
3.) 7.30am – Lie down in the shower
Conclude there's no way you can sit at a desk next to Barb from sales who sips tea after every sentence.
4.) 7.36am – Search online to see if McDonald's deliver
OMG, THEY DO! But not to your postcode. Sheds tear
5.) 8.02am – Draft email to boss
To: Richard
Subject: I have food poisoning....
...and have been projectile* vomiting all night and can't come in. Apologies.
*Delete 'projectile' – too much.
6.) 8.07am – Send email to Richard
Ugh, Richard's an idiot. Brainstorm back-up jobs if Idiot Richard fires your ass. Uber Eats driver? Inventor of showers with built-in beds?
7.) 8.32am – Crawl back into bed, watch Jurassic World on Netflix
Mourn the fact that Jurassic Park isn't on Netflix.
8.) 9.05am – Read "Poor you, hope you feel better!" email from Idiot Richard
Note to self: find a nicer name for Richard.
9.) 11am – Order pizza
It's not even lunchtime but pizza's the only thing that can save you rn.
10.) 1.15pm – Receive "Send help" message in group WhatsApp from your mate who didn't pull a sickie
Send smug pizza selfie.
11.) 4.38pm – See comment from colleague on last night's drunken selfie
"How's the food poisoning? 😉" PANIC. DELETE PIC. CONTINUE TO PANIC.
12.) 6.05pm – Realise you've run out of Nurofen
Freak out that someone will see you at the shops. Google "Can you get fired for pulling a sickie?"
13.) 9.33pm – Reach peak "sickie fear"
Devise strategic battle plans for sucking up to Top Guy Richard tomorrow.
