Timeline of a horrendous hangover

Big night out? Comic Stephen Bailey feels your pain...

Wake up and freak out. What's that under the duvet next to you? Phew - it's just last night's McDonald's.

Discover you didn't get in 'til 3.56am when you see the time on the "Amm himj ssdfe" text to your friends.

Your mouth still tastes like Jäger Bombs - must stay away from naked flames. Water required: position yourself by the tap for the next 30 minutes.

Try - and fail - to piece together the night's movements by deciphering the smeared stamps on your hand.

Discover 'Fit Brian' in your contacts. Who is Fit Brian? And why were you ringing him at 3am?

Find the strength to turn on your iPad. Netflix was made for hangovers. Watch season one of Pretty Little Liars without moving.

Feel a wave of selfie shame as friends start tagging you on Facebook/Instagram. Why did you do the duck face? WHY?

Check your bank account and realise you spent the deposit for your house on shots.

Make a confused Just Eat order: sweet and sour chicken balls, cheesy garlic bread and a samosa.

Get a text saying, "OMG is this you?!!" with a video of your Single Ladies dance. Pray it doesn't go viral.

Takeaway regret: curl up in a self-pity ball and whimper, "I'm dying."

You're wide awake, but your stomach doesn't feel like a washing machine any more - and the sweats have gone. Hallelujah!

Follow Stephen on Twitter @stephencomedy