Are you ready for the war on bad sex?
Pleasure-less sex isn't bad luck - it's a bad lay. Now, a revolutionary army of female celebrities and educators want the penis-first attitude eliminated. Enlist now, says Gemma Askham
Designer bag or a shoddy fake? It's a no-brainer. Yet for years, women have been invited into the designer store, shown the goods, and just as their excitement was building - bam - they've been thrown out empty-handed or directed towards a second-rate fake. While men? Men have been barging in and claiming the designer goods every single time.
To bring it back from bags to bits: "Our sexual culture is toxic to the female orgasm," says Trisha Borowicz, a molecular biologist who directed indie documentary Science, Sex & the Ladies to debunk the "shit-ton of confusion" about female pleasure. "The silence around the clitoris - omitted from sex ed in a way that male orgasm and the penis are not - and the ridiculous expectation that women should orgasm through intercourse have become part of our sexuality. We were bathed from birth in the misconceptions that women were sexually lesser than men."
Now, a generation after the sexual revolution of the '60s to '80s - a time that normalised contraception and sexual expansion beyond a hetero label - change is hitting mattresses. "Those '70s feminists gave us higher hopes that we could enjoy our sexuality, but actual experiences have not reflected that. We're now finally starting to talk and dissect it," says Borowicz.
Where? First up, in comedy. "Comedians are always on the cutting edge of social issues, talking in frank ways about 'hidden' aspects of sexual lives," says Breanne Fahs, associate professor of women and gender studies at Arizona State University. Take Amy Schumer's orgasm entitlement: "I'll be like, 'Oh my God, have you met my clit?'" Or Caitlin Moran's masturbation praise: "It doesn't cost anything, I don't have to leave the house, and it isn't making me fat."
And it's not just lady voices; Louis C.K.'s brilliant feminist stand-up (YouTube it) crushes the tired idea of female neediness after sex: "She's not needy, you idiot, she's horny, because you did nothing for her. Her pussy is on fire. Of course you're fine, you climbed on and went 'KFHGSKG' and rolled off. And she's on you because she's like, 'What! Something else has to happen!'"
Getting from the microphone to mainstream thinking, Fahs credits path-breaking TV shows such as Broad City, "where women's masturbation is treated like a regular part of their lives". There's also the new wave of experience-sharing websites that encourage women to 'lean in' about sex in a previously unheard of way: from How To Make Me Come's personal essays on orgasm to the masturbation video tutorials at OMGYES.
"Women can only take having blue box for so long," reveals sex educator Jenny Block, pioneer of today's most sexually relevant term, 'blue box' - the female version of men's 'blue balls'. "Female pleasure has to be one half of the main course. I'm a clitevangelist. Every woman - every person - should be." Welcome to the equal-orgasm movement. Battle stations, please, as we take on the opponents of amazing sex.
Opponent #1
The jackhammer
Unless you're having sex with Thor, nothing sexual should involve a hammer. The action associated with banging an old nail into a garden fence simply does not constitute most vaginas' happy place. "I think the theory is that furious pounding hits a woman's pleasure spots, but it's a very inexact tool, prone to finding the cervix - very much not a pleasure spot when battered," says Rachel, 28.
Seize a position that lets you dominate speed controls. Woman On Top puts you in charge of pace and depth, while leaning forwards and backwards in Reverse Cowgirl gives you all the say about the angle of his penis. "When sex is slower, I get more aroused. It feels purposeful, like he's enjoying being inside me," says Jess, 32.
Opponent #2
The complexity myth
In 1953, a 6000-person study proved that women can bring themselves to orgasm in less than four minutes, yet in 2016 we're still sold the lie that female genitals are too complicated to climax. "Even experts say, 'everyone's different' and leave it at that. But there are common insights," says Lydia Daniller, co-founder of OMGYES.
To define this common ground, her team interviewed 2,000 women on how they liked to be touched by a partner, gave names to the most frequently observed techniques and then filmed a handful performing their go-to methods. Memorise the following for your clit-tionary: Edging - edge close to orgasm, stop, repeat; Orbiting - circle the clitoris; Hinting - tease the clitoris and vaginal opening, only occasionally indulging in stimulation. Homework has never been so pleasurable.
Opponent #3
The ego
Of all the poisons to great sex, a mean ego is arsenic. Sex educator Naomi Hutchings traces it back to male sexual superiority. "There's this gendered sexual positioning of women as passive and not needing to know much about sex, whereas men are expected to know what they're doing. Deep down, many men worry about not being a good lover."
It's this worry that, ironically, can overcompensate into arrogance. Her advice? "It sounds so simple, but you have to say what you want: noises can be misconstrued. Say, 'Next time, shall we do this…?' And name stuff. If you don't, the move you hate will grow into lasting resentment." Matt, 30, agrees. "Because men are almost certain to climax, it's our job to find what makes you tick. If you're with a man with so needy an ego that he can't handle kindly worded honesty, you need a new man."
Opponent #4
The V-all and end-all
The vagina. It's a super-highway that's consistently great at two things: babies and periods. When it comes to sex, vaginal penetration might feel good, or it might be so average that you lie back and think… of repainting the ceiling.
Fact is: only 8% of women reliably have unassisted orgasms during penile-vaginal intercourse - though the latest school of thought is that their clitorises may simply be closer to their vaginal opening. Problem is: according to study The Incidental Orgasm, 25% of men don't know where the clitoris is. Which isn't a great start. Add in the vagina's role as penis-pleasurer, "And anything non-vaginal is seen as extra," confirms Block. It demotes the clitoris' status to an optional add-on, when, for your orgasm, the clitoris is IT.
Hutchings suggests banning the word foreplay: "I call all prior [non-penile] activity sexual activity," she says. She's also an advocate of breaking society's P-in-V obsession. "If you're not having vaginal orgasms with a penis inside you, don't worry. Use a vibrator on your clitoris during penetrative sex. Rub his penis between your legs and masturbate. Take the pressure off the penis always being in the vagina. You don't have to orgasm in a specific way."
Opponent #5
Ourselves
"Women are taught from a very young age that female orgasm is a myth or a challenge, that masturbation is for men, that it's embarrassing to ask for things in bed. We're taught to look good, not feel good. So it takes a lot of guts to think, 'Yeah, I deserve an orgasm - however long it takes,'" explains Kate, 35, who credits stopping faking orgasms with turning bad sex into great sex. But behind every bedroom technique is one core component - self-worth. "We need to become more assertive, more honest, and learn to feel more worthy," says Borowicz. "Men need to change, too. Everyone must make hard, intentional changes for things to get better."
A start is to include good sex in the discussion of women being able to have it all. Because while the temptation is to eye-roll - another thing to add to women's plates - the point, really, is why we haven't valued our pleasure enough to include it all along.
"Don't not have an orgasm. Make sure he knows that you're entitled to an orgasm. I'll be like, 'Oh my God, have you met my clit?'" Amy Schumer
"A masturbate a day keeps the haters away." Miley Cyrus
"Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person." Chelsea Handler
"I demand that I climax. I think women should demand that."Nicki Minaj
"You can lie to your relatives at Christmas dinner and say everything on the home front is peachy. But you can't lie to your vagina." Olivia Wilde
"Orgasms are awesome because for a brief moment, you're not thinking about Instagram or how somebody was rude to you. It is like meditation but for your vagina." Jamie Lee
"I didn't begin enjoying sex until I started masturbating. It's a shame I didn't discover it sooner." Eva Longoria
Jenny Block is author of O Wow: Discovering Your Ultimate Orgasm.
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